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Why Are Men Commitment Phobic? |
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If you don't want him, then don't waste your
time beating yourself up or trying to get your
anger out by participating in fights or arguments. Instead, figure out a good financial and emotional plan for yourself to leave him - and do it. Whatever you decide, I know you can improve your situation and have the life and love you want and deserve - with or without this particular man. I can guarantee that there's a huge world out there for you - go get it!!! Love to you, Rori "Dear Rori, I have been married for 12 years now and it seems the older my husband gets the worse he behaves towards me. I have recently stepped back but I guess its going to take some time. Or maybe he has fallen out of love with me. I just need some input on the women who already have the man of their dreams but then maybe he isn't. Thank you so much, Giselle" ***Dear Giselle, your story is my story. My ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, started out as a book for married women, because it was my own marriage that I saved. The Tools you get in these eletters are very powerful, and they will work, but everything is based on the principles in the book. If you don't have it, you'll want to get it (it has a free 7 day trial, so you'll have time to try it before you buy.) I know it will help you put all the Tools into action. Then, try out Reconnect Your Relationship. It's the cost of about one phone session with me, and you can listen to it every day for the rest of your life. "Reconnect" will help you so much - it will not just explain how to turn your marriage around - it will walk you through exactly how to do it. A combination of "Boundaries" and "Surrender" will completely turn his behavior around. But it has to start with you - with knowing how to think, how to speak to him, how to know what's really going on with the marriage instead of guessing (we're usually so off the mark when we guess), so that your marriage can heal, like mine did. It only took me a week to experience a complete turnaround in my husband's behavior toward me, and it felt like it had ALWAYS been great after about only a month - so I know you can do it, too. Let me know how the ebook and Reconnect work for you, and then I'll be happy to answer a more specific question to help you even more. Love, Rori "Dear Rori, I don't know where to start except to say that I am a beautiful 38 year old woman dating a 45 year old man who has never been married. He says he does not want to be in a committed relationship with me. I overheard a conversation with his male neighbor (24 years old) saying he wants to be in a committed relationship but the girl he is dating (me) is too old, and has been divorced and he would rather be with a 30 year old. He also has a myspace page and has hidden his "friends" on his page so he can add lots of girls without me seeing (again...overheard the same conversation). So...I confronted him...and he said that was JUST GUY TALK. The following day he was super loving to me but quite frankly I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth! I love him and we laugh all the time and have a very good friendship as well as "being his special friend". I KNOW he is a committment-phobe and that scares me to death, I know he is insecure and has to constantly be told how great he is. I had to tell him I could not be with someone who deliberately asks girls for myspace addresses and is keeping this and what else from me. He does not want to let me go...I know he has feelings for me... I need to establish trust with this man...I know he has to come half way but how can I show him that I am not a jealous freak and I really am a cool girl who wants to have fun and be loving? How can I set boundaries without going back on them? I can't trust this man and it is killing me! I can't sleep and it is breaking my heart! Help! Julie" ***Dear Julie, So much of this depends on how long you've been dating him, and whether or not you're allowing yourself to be exclusive with him. If it's only been up to about 8 months, you should be dating other men right along with him. In order to get you to stop seeing other men, he has to come across with a commitment - and for you, I gather, that's marriage. I know this sounds scary, weird, and just wrong - but this is the way it's always been successfully done! I just talked with my aunt and uncle. My aunt is a still lovely woman in her 60's, who told me (and her husband talked abut it too - with a twinkle in his eye) that when she got to certain point in her relationship with my uncle, she had to send "Dear John letters" to 3 men, telling them she was getting engaged. No self-respecting woman throughout time would consider sleeping with a man and giving up her options of dating other men without the commitment she wanted. That's a recipe for a broken heart. And for stress and misery along the way. So, if he wants to continue to see you, great. If he's a commitment-phobe, fine. What's important is that YOU keep dating other men until HE decides his commitment-phobe days are OVER, and that he wants to settle down with you. This is how men think. It's how they do it. It's the challenge for all us women to hold onto our own hearts even when we feel strongly for a man. We must ALWAYS keep our hearts open to everyone, to our man and other men, too - but we have to make sure that our hearts BELONG ONLY TO US. We SHARE our heart with our men and with the world - but it BELONGS to us. So get out there, allow other men to buy you coffee and dinner. I know this last part I'm going to talk about is hard to hear, and none of us ever want to consider that this might be true (I can't tell you how many times before I met my husband I willingly did NOT see this one, hugely important Red Flag): In my experience, if a man says he "doesn't want a relationship" with you - that's what he's feeling. It might be that he sees you as a "friend" and will ALWAYS see you as a "friend." The words you use in your letter (and I hear you saying that HE uses these words) - "special friend" - says to me "friends with benefits." It does not say - "You are the one I want...forever" If this is true, then there is NOTHING you can do about it. This makes him a "Toxic Man" for you, and someone you should STOP seeing right now, to MAKE ROOM in your "dating rotation" for another man with more POTENTIAL. I know this sounds like a cold, unemotional and business-like way to be with men - but it's the BEST way to BE with men - and it will get you what you truly want with a great man, and so much faster than you can imagine right now while you're stuck in the middle of this difficult situation. You owe it to yourself, and to the investment you've made in yourself and your relationships with men - perhaps the man you're with right now - to try it a NEW WAY. A way that actually WORKS with men. These Tools seem like moving AWAY from a man instead of TOWARD him, and it goes against our instinct to NOT give a man multiple chances to make us happy. The TRUTH is, when a man has strong feelings for you, and is considering being in a serious relationship and making a serious commitment to you, he INSTINCTIVELY wants to make you happy. He may go back and forth, come close and then withdraw, but OVERALL, you'll feel him CONTUINUALLY coming CLOSER. You'll feel him ACTUALLY moving the relationship forward, instead of just TALKING about it. Men are about ACTION, and if he's NOT doing what he KNOWS you want, then you must try a different way of being with him. Otherwise, you'll stay stuck in a holding pattern, he'll be unmotivated to do anything to shift things to a higher level, and your misery will continue. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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