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Find a Boyfriend by Getting Over Hang Ups |
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In just the way I figured out how to ease my
fears instead of having to fight them, so that I
could be attracted to and attract men who WANTED
to do the job of relationship - and wanted ME -
you can, too. About 6 months before I met my husband, I started to figure out how to "date" and how to manage my emotions and my old ways of doing things, and started, for the first time in my life, to FEEL real POWER and success with men. But just before that, I couldn't let go of strong mental images of not only "one" man - but several, including my imaginary "dream" man. So let's start with a simple change in tactic. Here's how it worked for me, and I know it will work for you, too - I call this Tool MAKE HIM YOUR MUSE: First, when I was "hung-up" on one man or many, I spent a lot of time and energy and heart looking back at those imaginary relationships. And I spent most of that time, energy and love in trying to recapture and remake and just GET the good feelings of that relationship and that man (the feelings I was remembering), and then, mostly, mourning the loss of those feelings and telling myself I'd never have them again. When I finally figured out how to STOP that whole cycle and look at the world and new men with fresh eyes, it wasn't by strong-arming myself about it. It was by being GENTLE with myself, and shifting the way I looked at those imaginary relationships and the men who'd "hurt" me. So, if we look back to those men who "got away" or "never got close," we can find all kinds of things. And almost all the time - we only find the GOOD things. We sort of skip over remembering the ickyness of being WITH a particular man, and instead we remember the pain of being WITHOUT him. It's almost as though our feelings about ourselves for not having power in that relationship make that man look so great, even if he wasn't. And then we imagine that we'll never feel the way we felt with him, again. And if we put it that way - yes, it's true! We'll never feel that constant uncertainty, the thrill of never knowing how he feels about us, the sparks that went off in our bodies when he kissed us because we'd NEVER KNOW HOW LONG IT WOULD LAST. And I, for one, think that's a GOOD thing. So what did I do that turned things around for me? I STOPPED TRYING to LET GO of that man I was hanging onto. I stopped trying to put him out of my mind. Instead, I accepted him as a man along the pathway of my life, a man who was somehow a messenger for me about things I needed to learn, and things I wanted to do that I couldn't do with him - and then turned him, in my mind, into my "MUSE." I know muses are supposed to be creative and inspiring instead of painful and keeping you stuck, and that it seems like a leap to turn those horrible memories of horrible experiences we've had with men, and the sometimes horrible feelings we still have now about them, into "creative and inspiring" mental images, but that's exactly what I did, and it'll be EASY for you, too! In order to see a man I couldn't get off my mind as "inspiring" instead of "painful to think of because I don't have him," I had to look at what it really was I might have actually LEARNED FROM HIM. Did he teach me to Trust My Boundaries? Did he teach me to stand up for myself instead of become a Doormat For Love? Did he teach me to stop chasing men because they can run away faster than we can chase? Did he teach me to Love Myself First, instead of giving myself just crumbs of love after loving HIM first? And what I found was, as soon as I asked those questions, my mental image of him CHANGED. It was as if he turned from a sexy, tragic reminder from my past, always telling me about my shortcomings and making me ask myself over and over why I couldn't MAKE that relationship WORK, into a brotherly personal ASSISTANT. All of a sudden he was my HELPER instead of my HURTER. I know it sounds a little fanciful - but the truth is, our brain doesn't know the difference between what we TELL IT happened, and what really DID happen. Our brain believes what we tell it! As long as we tell it in a way it can really HEAR. And often, it's PICTURES that our brain really gets excited about. And these pictures can be ones we remember, or ones we MAKE UP. Our brains will believe us either way. There's a huge benefit in turning your haunting ex into an "imaginary helper who you're allowing to OCCASIONALLY assist you in the present," instead of thinking of him as a "painful boyfriend from the past who you're STUCK to in the present." It's way more pleasant and powerful than trying to push the image of him away altogether. So try it. Instead of forcing yourself to FIGHT your instinct to hold onto images of the man you'd like to let go of, (but also in some ways don't really want to let go of), let's just soften the whole problem. And by "soften," I mean let your shoulders go limp, let your belly relax, allow yourself to feel what you feel, and don't give yourself any instructions about what you "have to do." Instead of seeing the man in a poetically miserable, tormenting way - imagine him waving to you and wishing you well and thanking you for the time you spent with him and HELPING you GET WHAT YOU WANT. Imagine him being like an otherworldly teacher who is warning you about men like him. Imagine him as one of your many, many ASSISTANTS. Imagine him HELPING you find the man of your dreams. The moment I was able to imagine the man I was still hung up on as my GUIDE to the man who'd love me forever, everything changed. Only one rule here. It doesn't work if you ACTUALLY hang out with him IN PERSON. In other words, if you're hanging out with a man you're still hung-up on, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot. Because in your imagination YOU'RE IN CONTROL of how you think about him and what he does, you can CREATE him as your MUSE. In real life, it doesn't work that way. The hormones in our bodies make sure of that. If you hang out with him, you'll find yourself fighting yourself. In real life, you'll find yourself trying to change a real man who is absolutely NOT under your control. So use my Rori Raye Boundary Tools to stay away from him physically and for real, and let him HELP you in every other way in your imagination. And the way he helps you - you get to control THAT. That means he scouts men for you, he pushes you out of the house and onto dates, he tells you how gorgeous you are and teaches you about the Red Flags other men are waving that you might have missed when you were seeing him. He cares for you in a deeper way than he ever could in real life - because YOU'RE MAKING IT UP! If you're having trouble getting the hang of this, please write me, and I'll be happy to devote another eLetter to answering your question. In the meantime, be sure to try out my Reconnect Your Relationship CDs - they will help you so much, and they have a 30 day Free Trial, so you have nothing to lose but the time you're now wasting trying to save your relationship on your own. "Reconnect" will clarify so many things about men and relationships for you, and give you HUGE help and Tools to shift everything you're doing now that doesn't work into simple, easy, and lightening fast ways to bring your man - or any man you meet for even the first time - CLOSE to you. So go ahead and make up the man you're still hung up on any way you want. Make him your MUSE. Don't hit yourself over the head and try to FORCE yourself to do the big "let go of him" before you feel ready. Instead, be gentle with yourself. If images and thoughts of him come up, and he's just hanging around in your mind, then let him hang there in a way that works for YOU! A MUSE can start as anything - even something painful. And then, you'll be able to take the next step. Once you've noticed him hanging around in your mind, and ALSO noticed that you feel more RELAXED and IN-CONTROL, and that you've stopped fighting the feelings that are coming up (it'll happen fast for you if you use the Tools), try the next step of simply taking your focus off of him. When you experience - even the very first time you try it - taking your focus OFF of him and putting it TOTALLY on YOU - on something important to you, something fun, something meaningful - you'll have this beat! You can turn it around all by yourself. Let me know how this works for you. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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