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He Says He Just Wants to be Friends |
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If you've ever been caught totally believing that a relationship was going somewhere, only to be BLINDSIDED by a man who's giving you mixed signals and keeping you off balance, you're not alone. Almost all of us have been shaken (and very rudely sometimes), into finally seeing that we're actually in an Imaginary Relationship. And that we've been investing so much of our time and energy and love into a man who never intended to be in a Real Relationship with us. Sometimes we're confused even after the bad news hits - we can't remember the clues that would have helped us at the beginning. And sometimes we admit to ourselves that we noticed the Red Flags all along. Here's a letter from "Maria," who's in a situation like this. It always looks so different - even obvious - seeing it from here, from just her letter, But you and I know from experience that when you're inside a relationship, even an Imaginary one, it takes practice, experience and help to recognize the Red Flags before you get sucked in. Hi Rori, I just bought your book and I feel hope. I want to change and do things that work. But I need your help. I dated him for 2 years and a half. He slowly committed but "was not sure I was the one". He broke up with me a year ago. Since then we talk on the phone and maintain contact. Last Thanksgiving he came to visit me (he lives in another city, 2 hours from me). We had passion, love, respect and I was in heaven. I traveled abroad for 2 months, but I called him 3 times this year 2007. He is always friendly, talks a lot on the phone, and keeps telling me things about his life that demonstrates respect and trust such as money, how much he has, his plans, etc. So, although we're not together, I have this faith we are going to be together again on another level. I have been investing in myself, changing, etc. But last weekend he asked me to pick him up at the airport; he is traveling looking for jobs since he was fired last February. I went.We had lunch, he was friendly, but BOOM... This is why I am writing and why I found you. He told me he has been dating someone for 3 months. I didn't expect that. I was expecting him to be closer to me. In the past, I would have given up and moved on. Now I want to act differently. I want to win, as I have won challenging competitions in my career, and even when I won the cancer battle. I love him, he loves me but there is a fear from him towards me. He is coming to my city more frequently now to look for jobs. He is here today and I want to call him. My strategy is to change my attitudes, my feelings, but be around, as a friend. How could I approach him on the phone to see how the job interview was, but at the same time attract him back? I know I need to change. I know I have the knowledge and I can change, but when I am with him I keep repeating the same things. I opened my heart to him after he told me about this other girl. I felt I had to demonstrate what I feel without shame or fear. But perhaps I was too available. Can you help me? Thank you for being there for us, Maria I can hear Maria's frustration and pain, and also the tell-tale signs of an Imaginary Relationship. Can you recognize some of the signs? Her man actually "broke up" with her, and so he now is able to see her, be with her and be intimate with her - and all "commitment-free." I don't know much about her man and the kind of work he does, so I don't know how much "being fired" is effecting him. Work is always hugely important for men. Without work or career security, they are often unable to step up to the plate for the long term with a woman they consider to be high-quality. They lose confidence. The problem for us starts when we sense this about a man. Even though the work issue might be temporary, we tend to put down our Goddess crowns and turn ourselves into "Good Women." We somehow start to think that being a good friend and being understanding - being there and sometimes even making excuses for a man's behavior - is the way to his heart. And it's not. The way to a man's heart is ALWAYS to be ON OUR OWN PEDESTAL. The way to a man's heart is in being exactly who we are and EXPECTING a man to appreciate us - no matter WHAT the state of his own life. So, if you've ever found yourself in the same place as Maria, think of it this way: You are not a good friend who is also sexy and fun - you are a sexy, fun, fabulous woman who is in a LOVE relationship, not a FRIEND relationship - and who is also capable of being a good friend. The way to make that shift RIGHT NOW is to STOP being a "Friend." If a man hasn't made a move, chances are he sees you as a friend. If he's dating someone else, he sees YOU as a friend. And that's all he will ever see you as. I spent most of my own life (before I figured out why I was doing it) wrapped up in longing for men who weren't interested in me. I thought my warmth, humor, niceness, givingness, compassion, sex, etc. would bring a man in, but it only made him want to be with me as a friend (with sex, of course). It was the women who seemed to actually absorb the love those men had to give (especially if it was a small amount to begin with), who got these men. So, what you want to practice most, from my book and in my Heart Connection Toolkit CDs is how to RECEIVE whatever love this man has to give. To Leanback and STOP doing anything that seems like friendship stuff. AND - and this is important - he has to sense that you have a life outside of him. This means you have to DATE OTHER MEN, or at least start flirting. Go out on coffee dates,lunch and dinner dates, and forget about this man when he's not near. Don't call, don't initiate contact. Change your hair, your clothing style, everything about you when you do see him. (Remember this isn't for HIM - this is for YOU - so you FEEL different inside.) If you are happily dating a bunch of other men, it might even shift the perception your man has of you. If he's involved with "another woman," like Maria's man, things might change after 3 months. He might run from that "relationship" too. And if that happens, you absolutely DO NOT want to be his "friend"! You want to be the fresh, sexy, interesting, confident woman he never really saw before, when he was only looking at you as his "friend." You want to be the REAL you he somehow missed. So, please make yourself available to men everywhere, go out on dates with as many of them as you can find room in your schedule for, and have as much fun as possible. Please believe the man who'll be a great partner for you is out there and don't focus in on this one man. It limits your options, and you deserve better than that. You deserve to have everything you want. Your dream man WILL show up, and there won't be any question about whether or not he wants you. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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