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Are Men Intimidated By Successful Women |
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Have you ever experienced a man backing away from you the moment he "gets" that you're a self-sufficient, smart, successful, accomplished woman who can handle anything and still be sexy? Or have you found yourself stuck in your life, almost holding back, because you're AFRAID that being "successful" would scare men away? I remember choosing men who were in the process of "building" their careers or businesses, and finding myself "watching myself" every moment so I wouldn't appear smarter than they were, or more talented and successful. If you're like I was, it makes you feel so tense not being yourself and showing yourself for who you really are. And then that makes getting close to a man so much harder than it's supposed to be. Here's a letter from Kelly, who believes the qualities that make her successful in work and most other areas of her life are "intimidating" to men. Dear Rori, I wish I'd known all this years ago; I realize I have done EVERYTHING wrong every time. Thus, I find myself recently dumped after a 2.5 year relationship by a man I deeply loved and wanted to marry, who left a voicemail and simply said he "liked his life the way it is." Needless to say I was heartbroken and pissed. Question - where do I go from here? I am a busy, professional with a demanding job and young teenage sons. I don't have time to waste trying to be in the dating "scene" but also don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm athletic, independent, extremely well-educated, make good money and can't seem to find a man who's not intimidated. Got any ideas??? Thanks, Kelly My heart goes out to Kelly for the brutality of her man's behavior, and for finding herself in this awful situation after 2 and 1/2 years. And I also want to tell her that she has all the hope in the world. Because if you're able to take GOOD care of yourself - you can have the love and romance you want. You can have it all. But we have to stop thinking the way we've been thinking, and doing what we've been doing. Otherwise, we'll just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. And then we'll keep beating ourselves up for our painful results. And then the cycle just starts all over again. We make the same mistakes again because it's all we know to do. And we get the same results. And we keep feeling angry and we despair of ever having lasting love. We can stop this pattern by first uncovering the mistakes, and then trying completely new things. And it can be fun along the way, too! Because once you stop doing what doesn't work, and start doing what does work, different results start to happen almost instantly. You'll see. So, let's start you down the road to the relationship you really want by taking a real look at one of the mistakes Kelly made that are causing her to feel terrible. This is a mistake that will ALWAYS work against you with a man: Believing that being a "successful" woman is "intimidating" to a man. This is a convenient and seemingly logical reason for why a man doesn't pursue us with great interest. And it's just not true. It's an out-and-out bad excuse. It's a myth we powerful women have made up to explain why we sometimes seem to repel men instead of attracting them. It's an easy, but untrue, answer to the question of why, whether we're in a relationship or on a date, we often push a man away instead of bringing him closer. So...if men are, as I say, not intimidated by a powerful, CEO capable, smart, successful woman, why do we think they are? Because we don't want to know the real answer. And here it is: The problem is NOT that we're successful in the world. The problem is that we take that success-oriented, make-it-happen, get-things-done style we USE out in the world, and bring it into our relationships with men, where it doesn't belong. Truly, being a successful woman is fabulous. Men LOVE successful women! A man loves you being so independent and fierce and powerful. It makes it doubly sweet for him when you open your heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable with him! Think of it this way - what man doesn't want to be with a super model? Even if she would tower over him height-wise and success-wise? As long as she loves HIM, and is willing to let HIM lead the relationship, he's in heaven. Just take a look at some celebrity pairs. Though relationships are clearly difficult to maintain in the public eye, there are some very successful marriages even in the entertainment world. Meryl Streep is married to a sculptor. Barbara Streisand is married to a "B-List" actor. Julia Roberts is married to a cameraman. Madonna is married to a much less successful man. (Could she even have FOUND a man more successful than she?) So, if we see men cower whenever we talk about our accomplishments, it's not our accomplishments that are pushing him away. It's the way we're talking. And the way we're listening. And the way we're leaning forward, and the way our "vibe" is coming across to him. He's not intimidated, he's just not attracted. So, what makes one man totally thrilled with a successful woman on his arm and in his life, and another man run? The simple answer is self-esteem. If a man feels good about himself, he'll interpret the fact that a great woman has chosen him as a huge WIN. He'll feel even BETTER about himself. He sees a successful woman as a "trophy." He sees us as a "high status" woman (unless we wreck that image of ourselves by being easy, cheap and not expensive in terms of requiring commitment, affection, attention and all the other non-negotiable items a "high status" woman requires). And having a "high status" woman on his arm and in his life makes him feel great. On the other hand, a man who has low self-esteem will try to put every woman he meets DOWN. A man who thinks little of himself cannot be with ANYONE who is successful, because it makes him feel little and unsuccessful by comparison. It doesn't even register that this fantastic woman chose him. He feels compelled to make her smaller in order to make himself feel better. This is a man you want to avoid. This is a man who is waving Red Flags of warning to you. He's practically screaming "BEWARE - I will never care about you as much as I care about ME!" But what about a regular, average, good man? Won't he be intimated by us if we're successful and strong? And the answer is - NO. Men are not intimidated by what we do outside of the relationship. In fact - they are not "intimidated" at all. What they are, when they don't like the way they feel when they're around us, is "turned-off." So what might Kelly be doing that's "turning men off," that doesn't have anything to do with how successful and strong she is? Well, let's explore some possibilities. First, she could be drawing in men who are waving Red Flags. She could be attracted to these men, who are not able to feel good enough about themselves to see her as a WIN, instead of as COMPETITION. And because she is ATTRACTED to men who are basically insecure, she is ATTRACTING them. And, bottom line, the reason we are attracted to and attract men with low self-esteem is because of our own insecurities. In other words, Kelly could, even though she sounds so successful, actually be feeling not- quite-so-good about herself. That would make her try extra hard to appear smart and successful - and make sure everyone knows it - in order to cover up her own inner negative beliefs about herself. Have you ever felt that way? It's the old thing about going to your high school reunion. We want all those kids who tormented us when we were teenagers to see us now as amazingly different - beautiful, sexy, successful, and with a great man. But if we actually FELT fabulous, we wouldn't need to demonstrate it so grandly. Same with everyday things - like coffee dates and lunches and flirting with men. If Kelly is feeling low on her inside, and trying to adjust for that by building up her successfulness, that could be what's pushing men away. They will not be intimidated by the "successful" image she's putting out, instead they will pick up on the insecurity she feels beneath all that. We don't give men credit for the sensitivity they truly possess. A man can pick up on what's underneath, no matter how hard we try to show him something else. Or, perhaps there's something else going on with Kelly. Perhaps she's trying to play down her "successfulness" out of FEAR that she'll "intimidate" him. And believe it or not, a man will pick up on that, too. What he'll pick up on is that she's not being genuine. Not authentic. Not really "herself." That she's PLAYING at being a "regular" girl, even though ANYONE can see, just by looking at her and talking with her that she's fabulous! And if that isn't bad enough, when we "dumb ourselves down," a man picks up on it and takes it to mean we don't RESPECT HIM. So, we shoot ourselves in the foot either way. If we try to show him a stronger, bigger, more successful and cooler "mask" than we're really feeling at the moment, he'll pick up on our insecurity. And our fear, and even anger at men. If we try to show him a "softer" person underneath our "success," by overly deferring to him, or being especially what we would consider "girl-like" by asking him about him, and being nurturing and warm, he'll pick up on our insecurity, fear and anger. Not only that, he won't feel comfortable, because no man will trust a woman who acts different on the outside than she seems to him to be on the inside. So, what is Kelly left with? She has to be "authentic." So what exactly does "authentic" look like for a successful, hard-working, smart woman like Kelly? (And we're ALL smart, hard-working and successful in some way - yes we are!) The key to authenticity is to notice how you FEEL. This concept is so important that I've devoted several different programs to teaching women about HOW to be authentic, and how to express that authenticity, so she can draw her man close to her. And it's not hard - it's just a different way of looking at relating to men, and it takes the right Tools so you can practice on men. By using my Feeling Messages, and using words and body language that a man can hear because they are AUTHENTIC to YOU, you will make him feel comfortable. And you'll feel comfortable too. In fact, you'll automatically become "soft." Because being soft, and truly girl-like, just means BEING WHO YOU ARE. At every moment. Even if you don't much like the way you're feeling in a given moment. One more thing... I'm sure you've noticed that Kelly is thinking about herself and her situation in a negative way. And that this is quite possibly helping to create her own situation. My Tools will help you to raise your spirits and your self-esteem, but for now, please do this for me: I want you to make an agreement with yourself to CHOOSE, in every moment, to NOT put a negative "spin" onto ANYTHING. That means not beating yourself up about your past relationships, or that you were "doing things wrong" before you started learning from my eLetters, book and programs. It means not beating yourself up over ANYTHING. ***This work we're doing is all about MOVING ON FROM HERE, as fast as you can. If we spend ANY of our energy believing that we "can't" have what we want, it'll slow us down. Sometimes it even stops us. You have absolutely nothing to lose by interpreting everything you see and everything you hear and every statistic you read as a POSITIVE sign that you CAN have what you want. Every time you see a couple walking by, hand-in-hand, take it as a sign that romance exists, and that those particular two people showed up to tell you that YOU can have it, too. By making up GOOD stuff, instead of BAD stuff, you increase your chances tremendously of the GOOD STUFF showing up for you. I'm here for you, and I'll keep talking, teaching and supporting you until you have exactly what you want - and I know that will be way sooner than you ever thought possible. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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