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Older Women Dating Younger Men |
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Here's a letter from Elizabeth, who's in a
situation with a younger man - but you'll see -
it's not about his "age"... Dear Rori, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! My name is Elizabeth and my boyfriend is Joseph. We've been together since April, 2007. At first he was SO into me. He called and text me 3 to 4 times a day. He even sent me roses on Mother's Day. I am older than him, He's 22 and I'm 29.I had a problem with age but he didn't. Well, he convinced me of how mature he was and was so sweet. So I let my guard down. And right away I noticed a change in the relationship. At the beginning of July, he told me he got scared of how close we had become because he finds it hard to trust, but that he had talked about it with some friends and he knows he can trust me and how much he loved me. Well, he continued to call me everyday. I could tell something was different though. I only see him once a week because he works long hours through the week. Then he stopped making plans in advance and our time alone became time with us and his friends. Then he broke up with me at the beginning of August. He said he didn't have time and I deserved better. He is taking over a business and I know that he is very stressed out. Well, he sent me a message and broke up with me. So, I sent him one back and told him that he should not tell someone that he loves them unless he means it. That I cared for him but he obviously didn't care for me but I hope things get better for him and thanks for at least giving me some kind of explanation. Well, then he sent me a message back and said that he did love me and care for me and he wanted to get together and work on things. So told him to be sure of what he wanted before he called me. Well, he didn't call. He sent me a message once a week. Like "Do you hate me?" for 3 weeks. Then he accidentally saw me. I was out with my friends last week and he was there. We talked that night and now we are back together. He said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that I had no idea how much I meant to him. He promised me that he would spend as much time with me as he could but I haven't seen him since that night. He has sent me messages or called me everyday. Like "I love you, hope you're having a good day," but today is Sunday and he is off. Instead of calling me he text me for about an hour and hasn't made any plans with me. I am sure not to call or text him first and I'm not asking him to go out because I want him to chase me. I'm trying to work this the right way but I don't know what else to do to. Could you please give some advice?? I love him and I want things to work. But I want him to want me like he did at first. Help, Elizabeth." ***I instantly related to Elizabeth's story because I once had a relationship with a 22 year old fellow when I was much older. It was one of the most fun and rewarding and memorable times of my life, even though it ended in heartache. However, the heartache ending was appropriate, because I NEVER could have had the fulfilling relationship with him that I have now with my husband. And it wasn't because he was so much younger, or even that he was "young." I know now that it wasn't even because he just wasn't able to communicate on a deep level, or that he was "too young" to commit. We all know, from the celebrity relationship and marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, that a relationship with many years difference can work out fine, and that even a 24 year-old guy (I believe that's how old Ashton was when they got serious) can want the same things as a 40 year-old woman (Demi's age), and be mature enough to make those things happen. I also personally know of several brilliant marriages with this kind of age difference - the nurse in my doctor's office was 44 and had 4 children when she married her 22 year-old boyfriend, and a therapist I know married her 24 year-old boyfriend when she was in her late 30's. So, like everything - it's not about the "numbers." It's about the ability of the man to DO a relationship, regardless of his age, whether he wants that relationship or not, and whether WE'RE the woman he wants to BE WITH enough to make that major commitment at such an early stage of his life. At 22, my young "boyfriend" was just starting out his life as an adult, and I was totally and completely ready to be married and have children. I was at a place in my life where I was done with "flings" and wanted a stable sort of grown-up man to be a life-long partner for me in REAL LIFE. So, what I did was JUDGE his ability and desire to be in a relationship with me because of his "age," and never really gave him a chance. I filled in the empty places in our conversations, I gave him advice when he didn't ask for it, I allowed myself to become so deeply attached to the "chemistry" in our relationship that I almost FORGOT what it was I WANTED for my LIFE, and I focused more and more on how to GET him. And this is the one thing that NEVER WORKS. The more I focused on him and how we could possibly have A REAL LIFE together, the more he drifted away. I always thought it was because he was so young, but now I know it was because I was - without even being aware of it - pushing him away. On some level I didn't really WANT him. I wanted the "fling" but I didn't want the "whole package." I didn't want to be with a man who still had some "growing up" to do. But I knew no other way to be with him than to put my whole self into it, try to make it REAL and life-long, and HELP him "grow up." I didn't want him just the way he was. I wanted him the way I THOUGHT he SOMEDAY would be. I wanted him already "grown up." My husband was not completely professionally settled when we met, either (and he's younger than I am, too), but he seemed to truly UNDERSTAND what a relationship with me would be like, what he'd have to do to have that relationship with me, and he KNEW he WANTED it all. And THAT was the difference. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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