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Best Friend Sex. Romantic Relationships or Good Friends? |
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So let's start working with the basic problem
Hillary was dealing with in this artificial world
of “The Bachelor,” which is the same problem I was
experiencing with man after man, and perhaps it's
the same situation you're now finding yourself in: Hillary and I believed he was IT. We believed that the man in front of us was the ONLY man. Now it seems so hard to believe that we could have believed it, but when you're in the middle of it, sometimes that's how we've all been trained to believe. We believe a man our heart is involved with is the ONLY man for us. And that's just a plain lie. I know it's a lie, because not only did I meet my wonderful husband many years later, but BETWEEN that man and my husband, there were SEVERAL men I felt even MORE strongly about than I did him. I can laugh now, because as I write this, all those men come back to my memory and - yes - they ALL played me the "friend card." Clearly, that was my pattern. And clearly, that was the way my own fear of intimacy showed itself. I couldn't really handle "True Love." I could only handle "Good Friends." Of course, "Good Friends With Sex," but since I had no way, at that time, of separating "Sex" from "True Love," the whole idea of "Friends With Sex" never even occurred to me. If there was sex, it HAD to be a relationship. Even though things have changed - and we realize that sex is sex and friendship is friendship and romantic love forever is romantic love forever - in all our hearts, I believe, we women feel sex and romantic love as the same thing. In my opinion, that's a GOOD way to feel. That doesn't mean we can't make exceptions, and have sex with "good friends" of our CHOOSING, but it has to be OUR CHOICE, and to do that in a way that really serves us, we have to know the difference. I wish I could reach out and give Hillary a huge hug for teaching us all this lesson (in fact, I likely will find a way to write to her). If she had allowed herself to see what the Bachelor was showing her, and hear what he was telling her, she would have enjoyed herself on the show so much more, and she would have LAUGHED on the night she went home because she'd actually appreciate how long she'd stayed - or, if she stopped having fun - she might have CHOSEN to leave on her OWN! So how can this help YOU? The "friend card" can ONLY be played in an Imaginary Relationship. And it can only HURT if you've made yourself exclusive. And it can only make you feel foolish if you've let yourself get emotionally and sexually and hormonally tied up in him. So, this is NOT about protecting yourself from the "friend card." This is about AVOIDING it ALTOGETHER! So here are some basic steps: Do NOT sleep with a man until you feel CERTAIN he sees you as a future "wife" and not a future "friend." So, how do you do that? You don't have to pepper him with questions. You wait until he pressures or pushes for sex. And then you think this: "I'm not looking for a boyfriend, here, and I don't want to be in a "friendship" with sex. Sex is important to me, and I don't want to get all hormonally involved without knowing where a relationship is going. I feel really good with you, and I don't want to put pressure on this to become some kind of serious, or even exclusive relationship, so I'd feel so much more comfortable waiting until you know what you have in mind, here." If you're very brave, you can even SAY this! Notice how these words don't ASK him for anything? They don't ask him how he feels, they don't ask him what he wants. They simply express what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with, and what you DON'T want. Okay, now if you're already sleeping with him, but don't know how he feels, and are afraid he's "stringing you along"... try this: Next time you're with him, notice how he behaves. It's entirely possible he ISN'T "stringing you along," he just isn't FEELING IT yet, and he likes you a lot and is hoping that there's still a chance something might catch fire. So, turn up the heat by saying how you feel. Think this: "Can we talk for a minute? I've noticed that sometimes I'm feeling really uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting our relationship. I'm starting to feel hormonally all attached to you, and I can't help wondering what it is that's going on for you. I only know that - "I'm not looking for a boyfriend, here, and I don't want to be in a "friendship" with sex. Sex is important to me, and I don't want to get all hormonally involved with a "friend." I feel really good with you, and I don't want to put pressure on this to become some kind of serious, or even exclusive relationship, so I'm not sure what to do. What do you think? Now, these speeches are about you taking care of yourself. He may not KNOW what he feels, but at least the conversation will get started - and, for the first time, he'll know how YOU feel. Knowing how you feel and hearing you speak it in a Feeling-Message way will bring him in closer no matter WHAT he's feeling. "Playing along" and trying not to listen to words he says and notice the things he does that make you uncomfortable, will NOT bring him CLOSER! In fact, playing along will do the opposite of what you want. Playing along will make you into more and more of a "friend." So to AVOID the "Friend Card," listen to your heart, and SPEAK from it. I know that the most challenging part of "Speaking From Your Heart" is in knowing what words to use. My CD program "Reconnect Your Relationship" will help you by giving you EXACT WORDS for so many different situations - and you'll be able to use them right away. The Tools in "Reconnect" will help you bring your man closer - even if he's pulling away and making you feel angry and afraid. These are powerful new Tools that will shift the way he sees you and relates to you. I know "Reconnect" will help you - let me know exactly how it works for you. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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