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Get Control of Your Feelings and Stop Heartache |
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Have you ever felt completely "Out of Control," where your emotions are RUNNING you? And the more you keep trying to control them the more you beat yourself up because you can't? Sometimes it feels a little like an addiction, doesn't it? Whether it's about food, sex, alcohol, drugs or the man you're in love with, anytime you feel helpless to make any other choice except the one you've ALWAYS chosen in the same situation - it feels awful. I remember feeling like I was in the same pit of molasses at the same point in a relationship - no matter who the man was. If I felt insecure, even for a moment, my stress would get so high the only thing I thought would make it all alright was to see him or talk to him - to somehow make CONTACT. Sometimes I could stop myself before I picked up the phone, or asked him what was wrong, or tried to discuss my hurt feelings - but it almost didn't matter. It didn't really matter because just THINKING those thoughts made me so tense and on edge that I felt like a stuffed doll or a robot when I was with him. I'd be thinking how upset I was, but acting like everything was okay. I was hardly even there with him, because what I was thinking and feeling on my inside was so different from what I was expressing on the outside. And I just knew it wasn't working. I felt awful and I knew I was contributing to the distance between me and a man - but I had no idea how to express myself and my emotions. Every time I tried to "share my feelings" it blew up in my face. I'd think I was doing what you're supposed to do to "get close to a man," but I could practically see his eyes glaze over and feel him move even further away from me. It doesn't have to be like that. You can feel your feelings without being overwhelmed by them and letting them run you, and you can express those same feelings to a man without pushing him away. It all starts when you discover a strong sense of confidence and well-being inside yourself by getting in touch with your feelings - and the magical thing that will happen next is that your feelings will change all by themselves. Without doing anything except practicing my Tools, you'll just start feeling better inside, and as you feel better, you'll feel stronger. And as you feel stronger, you'll feel truly empowered in a relationship with a man. And then another magical thing starts to happen - you don't care as much about every little thing a man does or doesn't do. In fact, you stop feeling "hurt" so much, and instead of needing to always tell him what he's doing wrong and trying to get him to do what you want, you'll begin to simply REQUIRE great treatment from him - and, amazingly, HE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. Let's lay out what's going on when you feel out of control, and then I'll give you a Tool that will help. First, we each have different experiences that make us feel differently whenever we're "triggered" by what's going on in our lives right this minute. Just a man saying something or not saying something can trigger those old feelings. And the first feelings that get triggered are different for all of us. For some of us, the first feeling is Anger. For some of us, the first feeling is Guilt. For some of us, the first feeling is Fear. For almost all of us, all these feelings happen at once. And it can be just so overwhelming. It's hard to find our "center" when we're at the mercy of all these feelings at once. So, let's start with a question - What makes it so some of us, no matter what our backgrounds or our lives are like always seem to have the attitude that "I can do it, and I can have what I want!"? And some of us can't help expecting that the worst thing that could ever happen to us is right around the corner? So, what if you could - regardless of where you've come from and what's happened to you, or what's happening right now - turn yourself, instantly, into a woman who thinks the thought "I can have what I want!" more than the thought "I can't"? And even more amazing, what if the man you're struggling with noticed this change in your attitude right away and felt compelled to come closer to you? Well, that's exactly what would happen. Even if your man is half-way out the door, or backing up, or turned away from you and walking away - if I can help you make peace with whatever you're truly feeling at this moment and shift your attitude even a little (and I know I can) - he'll turn back around. He'll come closer first just out of curiosity. And then, when he can feel that new attitude about you is here to stay, he'll be irresistibly drawn to you and want to stay, too. So how do you do it? There's many different tools that can help here, but I've decided in this eLetter to first get to the bottom line, which is FOCUS. We're going to change your focus, which will shift your VIBE. We could get into the deep psychological reasons for low self-esteem that causes us to focus on one man and put out that "vibe" - but you know from all my eLetters and Tools that I'm about making everything simple and do-able. So, let's treat focusing on one man as a HABIT. The truth is - the line between a "habit" and an "addiction" is very thin and unclear. So let's treat it as both. Let's say we're ADDICTED to the HABIT of focusing on one man. Let's just say it's the way we were taught, the way we've practiced our whole lives, and - most important - the way that makes us feel MOST SAFE. I know it sounds weird to say that causing yourself heartache makes you feel safe, but trust me, it's true. For another day, another eLetter, I'll talk more about this, but the truth is that heartache is easy! It's REAL intimacy and real love that's hard. And the only reason it's so hard is because most of us have NEVER EXPERIENCED IT! We never had a model to follow. We're flying blind in the dark. We're blazing a trail for ourselves. And most of our girlfriends and family can't help, because they've never done it either. They're watching you and wondering what you're doing. YOU are a PIONEER! So - everyone knows heartache. The best songs are about heartache, the best movies, the best cries are over heartache. In a way, heartache is romantic, and almost everyone around us can understand and sympathize. But success in love? Real Intimacy? It's like a foreign country. That's why I like to talk about my marriage so much, so you'll know you CAN have a happy ending. Before I figured out how to create a genuinely intimate relationship with my husband, I was as lost as any woman could be. I was safe and comfortable in my pain and heartache. Heartache is a habit. One that doesn't get you anywhere good. So - first - in order to switch a habit, you have to have some idea of what you really want. You have to know what you're going for. SO HERE'S THE FIRST STEP OF THIS TOOL. LET'S CALL IT "SWITCH FOCUS": Wherever you are, even if it's just for 5 seconds, try this: Visualize, imagine, and perhaps even write down on a scrap of paper, in a special journal or my eBook, the kind of relationship you want. Imagine and write it in great, sensual, tactile detail, to make it as real as you can for yourself. While you're imagining this great relationship, any time you come back to thinking about the heartache and misery you're experiencing right now with this man (yes, your thoughts will go back there, don't worry when it happens), NOTICE what's going on in your mind, your body and your heart. Then SWITCH! As gently as you can, without beating yourself up - please no beating yourself up - switch from the thought about this man to the thought about the RELATIONSHIP you want. Get into the detail, the closeness. Now - FOCUS on that! Every time you start to think of the man who's breaking your heart right now, tell yourself you're done being safe in heartache, and you want to take a chance on real love. Tell yourself you're brave and strong. When you find yourself slipping into a "heartache" thought, switch to the detail you dreamed up about what it would be like in a great relationship. Don't worry if you feel like crying - go ahead and cry - that's a good thing! Let your feelings out but don't let them stop you from Switching Focus. Just keep on doing it. Okay - now we need step 2 for this SWITCH FOCUS Tool. Take the switch one more level. Once you've got the hang of switching from the misery you're in to the fabulous relationship you want, I want you to start switching that great, fabulous, detailed imaginary experience of the great relationship you want to be in, to something REAL that's right in front of you. This could be: The man you're on a date with. Instead of thinking about whether or not you're bored with him or how he doesn't measure up, get curious. Use every Tool in my Toolkit that sings to you personally to keep yourself grounded and in the present moment, and look at him. Count the hairs in his eyebrows if you must to keep yourself FOCUSED on what's in front of you. It could be the flower on the table at the diner. It could be the feel of the tablecloth. It could be the rug you're sitting on. It could be the fork or spoon in your hand. Get yourself focused on your EXPERIENCE of something real and physical in the moment. This is plenty Tool for now. Remember - noticing what you're feeling, on as deep a level as I can help you get to, and noticing what's around you are the hugest steps to take toward getting the relationship you want. I promise you, if you try these small Tools, you'll feel better. Your focus will come off this man and onto the rest of your life. And that will shift your "vibe." And he'll notice that. Soon you'll be on your way from chasing after this man and feeling out of control to feeling grounded and good inside yourself. And the minute you get even a little bit grounded and feeling good inside yourself, either this man will snap-to, or another man who's even better - Yes - he exists, he might even be looking hard for YOU - will show up. Out of nowhere. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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