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How to Get Over a Bad Relationship |
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Have you ever thought you were emotionally stuck forever with one man who's causing you pain? Where you believe with your whole heart that you have to "let go" of him before you can "move on" and so moving on seems impossible? And it makes you feel so bad, sometimes you just want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head, so you don't have to make a decision? If this has happened to you, or if you're struggling with it right now, you are in good company. When I was in my darkest place with a man, feeling bound to him and yet having NOTHING REAL to hold onto, I didn't know what to do. I just naturally assumed I'd have to suffer. Everyone around me either had a boyfriend or was alone, and so I never saw any other possibility. And NOT ONE WOMAN I knew had a GREAT relationship with her boyfriend. And not one woman "alone" seemed happy. It was an "either-or" that I just couldn't handle. I'd hang onto the man I was with, no matter what, for fear of what would happen if I didn't. I truly believed that if I "let go" of the man I was so devoted to, even if he was giving me NOTHING, I'd end up alone. Even though I'd had "boyfriend" after "boyfriend" after my first marriage ended in divorce, I believed there were no more men. I believed I'd never attract another man, period, much less a "good" one. I believed I was just "lucky" to have each crummy boyfriend I'd had. Well, that was rubbish for me, and it's equally rubbish for you. There are plenty of men out there - good men. I've seen them flock to my clients, and I know they're out there for you. You don't have to be perfectly put together to have a great relationship! I believed - because it was what everyone told me and everything I'd read, that I couldn't have a good man until I'd done my "Inner Work." That it would take me a certain number of years to recover from my divorce before I could get into another, hopefully better, relationship. It was almost as though I was paying my dues. I was hanging out in "suffering" because that's where I thought I was supposed to be. I was afraid to "date" (of course I had no idea then how to even do that) because I was sure I wasn't "ready." We've all been taught that it takes years and years of therapy and hard work to get to the bottom of what our problems are with men so that we can even begin to feel better in our relationships. And yet - knowing yourself deep down and relating to men aren't separate things. Relating to men can help you know yourself better and deeper inside, and knowing yourself inside can help you with men. They work together - from the outside in, and from the inside out. Men can help us do the inner work on ourselves, and doing the inner work on ourselves can help us with men. So, you don't have to put your life on hold and suffer one more second! You don't have to be afraid to LET GO, because letting go doesn't have to be so difficult or painful. Letting Go is something you can do all the time, in little ways - and sometimes that's all it takes to change everything. Letting Go doesn't have to be about one man or one situation. It doesn't have to be final, or even frightening. It can be a state of mind and state of heart that feels good. So, right now, we're going to make LETTING GO the way you are 100% of the time - and it's easy! Here's a letter from "Jane" who's having a very difficult and painful time trying to let go of a man who gives her practically nothing. "Dear Rori, Two years ago I met and fell in love with John...it's been a battle to get him to commit to tomorrow night's date, let alone a lifetime. I have broken it off too many times to remember and either he comes back or I do. It's gotten to the point where even I think it's crazy. He doesn't show me affection and knows I want and need that...he will for a short time after we get back together (and that's usually because I have to ask) and then nothing. He has told me that he will never marry me or live with me and yet he knows that is what I want...so of course I want to believe that's why he keeps coming back...because he must want that too. I struggle every single minute of every single day about what to do...on the inside, I hurt so much because I have no idea of where we are headed and am always afraid to ask...on the outside...I pretend that every thing's o.k. I don't even know the real me anymore. Friends and family are getting tired of me always crying and complaining about him and he refuses to meet any of them. I want to know how to let go of him. I was married for 30 years and ended it when I met him even though I was going to leave anyways...honest. He was married for 9 years and his ex got him in a lot of financial trouble that after 6 years of divorce he is still paying for. I don't know what to do...please help me. This is really starting to take it's toll. Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you have any advice...let me know...it would be much appreciated. Sincerely...Jane" ***How does Jane's situation sound to you? Is it familiar - this frustration and longing, even though you just KNOW the man is no good for you? It's this tug-of-war she's experiencing and the suffering she's enduring that made me choose Jane's letter. It's such a dramatic expression of something we all do, at least a little. We all feel compelled to hold on to what we have, and until we know we'll have something equally as good or better if we let go of what we have, we're paralyzed. Though you and I can see Jane's situation clearly, we know, too, from our own experience, how hard it is to see what's really going on when you're inside a situation like hers. In reading her letter, it seems obvious - this man is a no-win situation and she should move on immediately. Isn't that what you'd tell her if she was your girlfriend? But it's easy for us to say to her - "just let go." If you're afraid, like Jane is, then letting go may not BE so easy. Let's talk about how letting go can be a lot easier than we've all been taught it is. And a lot easier than it's been for us in the past. First - let's start with a completely new idea: YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMPLETELY "LET GO" OF ONE MAN IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE BEING WITH ANOTHER, OR MANY OTHER, MEN. (This is my concept called Bridging, and I'll be talking and teaching a lot about how to Bridge in my Letters to you.) For now, to get a better idea of how this easy kind of "Letting Go" works, let's use an imaginary mental picture (and then I'll give you a physical Tool to help you Let Go right now). The imaginary picture is being at a kid's playground. Remember that swing apparatus in the sand box that had rings hanging from chains all around a center pole? And the idea was to swing from one ring to the next? And in order to grab onto one ring with your one free hand, you had to let go of the one you're riding with your other hand? And if you don't take that chance and let go of the last ring as you grab onto the new ring, you get stuck hanging between the two? You lose all your momentum and have to drop off the rings into the sand? Well, in a way, that's what happens when w can't let go of the old man we're holding onto. We can't really fully enjoy or be present with the new ring - or the new man. But, if you're like me, you never even did those rings in school. The idea of flying free - those moments between rings, was just too terrifying to even imagine. When I did get on them, because I was required to in gym class, I remember holding onto the first ring with both hands, and attempting to swing toward the next ring. Sometimes I believe I actually got close enough to reach for the second ring, but never, ever trusted myself to try. I preferred swinging backwards, to where I'd started, and then jumping off. I preferred jumping off on my own, rather than taking the chance of flying off out-of-control. But love and relationship doesn't have to be so intense. It can be more like the monkey bars. Where you can hang forever if you like, then tentatively reach out for the next bar, and only when you feel comfortable swing your weight over to the new bar. Perhaps you're not even about swinging on the bars, to keep going with this idea. Some of us just liked to sit up on top of the whole thing, or hang over backward from our knees. In other words - THERE ARE NO RULES ABOUT HOW TO LET GO! It's almost just a state of mind. To some people, dancing on table tops is letting go. To some people, falling in love with a man who is no good for you is letting go. To me, and to my Rori Raye philosophy, letting go is about letting go of things that don't feel good, and when you touch something that DOES feel good, you keep going in that direction. Simple enough. This could be letting go of horrible thoughts. This could be letting go of painful feelings. This could be letting go of whether or not a certain man calls. This could be letting go of ANY OUTCOME. In Jane's letter, the obvious thing to let go of is the MAN. But, let's look deeper. There are a whole bunch of things Jane can let go of. She can let go of ASKING him for anything. She can let go of some ideas. For instance, the one where she's in a "battle" with John. Or the one where she has to work to "get him to commit" about anything. Or even the one where she needs to struggle so hard. She can let go of PRETENDING everything's okay. She can let go of telling ANYONE, her friends, her family, about her relationship with John and trying to get help from them. She can let go of the idea that John is so important. There are many other small ways she can begin to let go, and they're ways you can start for yourself, too, to let go of things that are not working for you. So let's start together with that impulse we all have to stay stuck in painful feelings. At the beginning of this letter, remember when I brought up that place most all of us have been in at one time or another, where we just feel down and blue and can't imagine feeling any other way and want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over our heads. Well, having an impulse to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head is not necessarily good or bad. If it feels good and cozy and warm and you feel happier under there, then that's a good thing to feel, and a good thing to keep doing. But I know from experience, after 5 minutes of ALLOWING myself to lay under those covers, I get restless. All of a sudden I have to go to the bathroom, or I feel hungry, or I want to watch something on TV or finish the book I started last night, or write to you. So here's a new Rori Raye Tool that will help you to shift away from anywhere you feel stuck and move on to a new thing or a new feeling that feels better. I'll call the Tool simply LET GO: First, line up a bunch of objects on a table. (As you know, I love objects and think they have vast healing properties if we relate to them in the right way.) Make them different weights and sizes, but make sure you can hold them easily in one hand, and that they're not fragile, because they're going to fall! Pick out things you like, that you use, that possibly have meaning to you. Now, start with the object farthest to the right of the line-up if you're right handed, and to the farthest left if you're left-handed. Pick it up in your hand. Hold onto it for awhile. Hold on until it feel warm in your hand, you start to have some cozy feelings - perhaps even feel a sense of safety about holding onto it, even if it's just a pen or a pencil, a hair clip, a bracelet. Now, take a breath in and without moving your arm, let it go. Just open your hand, and let the object drop to the table, or to the floor at your feet. (experiment to see what works best for you.) Now, notice your hand, now that it's free. It should be hanging in space, right where it was when it was holding onto the object. Notice that it's not holding onto anything. It's not in contact with anything. It's just hanging in space. I want you to FEEL what that feels like, to be hanging in space. Now, move to the next object. Pick it up, hold it for awhile, FEEL what it feels like to hold onto this particular object, the feelings and memories it brings up. Settle your breath, relax your shoulders, keep your arm right where it is, and LET GO. Just let the object drop away from your hand. FEEL what it feels like in that instant of LET GO. Feel what it feels like to have an empty hand. You may feel all kinds of things. You may have a memory come up and so you'll feel sad - but what I'd like you to focus on is the wonderful qualities of not holding on to ANYTHING. The feeling that you're about to hold onto the NEXT object, and that you can let that one go, too. The feeling that there will ALWAYS BE another object for you to hold, experience, and let go of. Now - let's see how this can help you when you want to stay in bed with the covers over you. Feelings change all the time. In fact, we feel many feelings all at the SAME time. We are naturally in a feeling state all the time. And it's not our feelings that rule us, it's all the energy we put into NOT feeling those feelings that rule us! So let's put this to use with feelings that we feel bad about - hurtful painful feelings about a man. Perhaps one we're in a relationship with now, or one we were once in a relationship with. Let's think of depression, anxiety, grief, pain, happiness, excitement, joy, anger - all kinds of different and sometimes difficult feelings as the line-up of objects. There are zillions of them - imagine all the choices you have! Every moment, your feelings can change. Emotions shift. Memories come and go. Fabulous things show up when you don't expect them to. Signs and signals that life can feel good are all around you, just as things that trigger the painful thoughts and emotions are around, too. So, think of the painful feeling you're holding onto under the covers there as one of the objects. Imagine letting go, as if all you have to do is open your hand and the icky feeling will drop to the floor. See how that feels for a moment. Now, breathe - remember always to take a deep breath - and notice something, anything, perhaps an object, that feels new. That feels different than the painful feeling you've been holding onto. Now just put your imaginary hand around that thought and hold onto it for a second. Get comfortable with it, then let go. Keep doing it in a very gentle way, and see how soon you feel better. Now - to translate this to ROMANCE. Romance happens when your HAND IS OPEN AND EMPTY! When your hand, when your arms, when your energy is just hanging out in space. That's when the man you want walks in and holds YOU. As with all my Tools, don't worry about thinking about the connection between the LET GO Tool and a real life relationship. Just do it - like you're practicing a new language, or an instrument you love, or a dance step. And then, in a moment when you feel needy and clingy and you fiercely want to go over and grab the man you love or a beautiful man you see, you'll remember the feeling of the LET GO. And you'll just bring that to mind, and practice, right then and there, letting go of the man who's right in front of you. I promise you he'll feel it. He'll instantly feel you as a NOT NEEDY woman. He'll instantly feel relaxed and drawn to you. He won't be afraid to take you in his arms for fear you'll grab on and hold on and never let go. He'll feel that he can come into your heart and leave whenever he wants. He'll feel INSPIRED to STAY, because he'll just know that if you don't like his coming and going, if you don't like the way he treats your heart when he touches it, then you'll LET GO of him forever. And that's what makes a man want to be with you forever. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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