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Keeping Your Feelings Inside - Stop Lying to Yourself |
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If you're not feeling all so Thankful this
year, because every time you look at your man you
feel frustrated and sad that things just aren't
the way you want them to be between you, you can
fix it in time for the Holidays. This time of year, we all get "blue." It's something about the changing of the seasons and the weather, but even more, it's just the whole family thing grabs us by the throat and won't let go. It's like memories around the Holidays pack so much more punch than memories at any other time. There are so many symbols around - trees, decorations, snow that it TRIGGERS every feeling we ever had - warm ones and horrid ones we wish we could forget. I remember my Thanksgivings by which "boyfriend" was or wasn't around my family's table. I remember mostly that there were so very few. It was almost like a man would choose just that time of year to disappear. So, for me, Thanksgiving is about the school play, about Pocahontas and John Smith, and the beginning of the time of year when my relationships either got wonderful for a few weeks with parties and romance, or they went down the tubes. I remember being with a man and feeling even more alone than ever if he wasn't loving me. Things I could manage not to fall apart over the rest of the year became impossibly painful. It was always the "clingiest" time of year for me. One of the worst moments was when the man who's now my wonderful husband and I were living together, and I'd given him basically until the "end of the year" to propose marriage, and he chose New Year's eve for his "I'm not ready," speech. I think I shut down right then, because I didn't want to feel as if I'd wasted yet another year on another man who wasn't "ready." My husband got "ready" two months later and proposed on my birthday, but those were some of the least pleasant two months I can remember. Trying to stay IN the relationship without becoming demanding, angry or desperate, after feeling betrayed and fooled for letting him move in with me and then getting the "I'm not ready speech" was something I had no idea HOW to do. But, somehow, I muddled my way through, and he did propose, and we did get married. From here, knowing now what I wish I'd known then, I can see what I did - accidentally - that worked to get him to be "ready" to commit. So I'll share those things that worked with you - so you'll know what to do if you get dealt the "I'm not ready" card. The very first and most important thing is to NOT PANIC. Once we've opened our hearts and bodies to a man and then get what feels like a slap in the face from him, all the pent up feelings we've ever had suddenly come up from deep inside, all at once. We feel overwhelmed by anger, frustration, despair and fear. And if we have no way to let it out and express it to him in a way he can hear, we either let him have it and drive him away for good, or stuff it down and go to the WORST thing we can do - being "nice" and "understanding." Trying to be "nice" to your man when you truly feel ANGRY and SCARED is not only phoney, it makes you feel even WORSE. You know you're lying, and HE knows you're lying. What if, instead, you turned all that wonderful niceness and understanding around and showered it on YOURSELF. That would be this Tool: THANK YOURSELF. Let's use Thanksgiving to give Thanks To Ourselves for just BEING WHO WE ARE, and for just BEING HERE. For working so hard to make our lives better and to feel good inside, and to share all the wonderful good feelings and love we have inside us with our men and everyone we meet. So, First, (always a good first step) - take a BREATH. Noticing your breathing will help you mark the beginning of a Tool, so you will automatically focus on changing the panic, upset vibe into something that feels better. Okay, so take that breath, let it out, and then say - out loud if you can - "Thank You!" Here are some things you can thank yourself for (make up your own - there are unlimited things to thank yourself for): "Thank you for being so warm and caring, and Thank You for taking care of things, and worrying about getting what you want, and Thank You for trying to make things better. Thank You for standing up, and for keeping going even when you feel bad, and Thank You for getting rest and eating and going to work." "And Thank You for having so much love in your heart, and for providing so much value to the world just by being here. Thank You for being so unique and unusual and special. Thank YOU." Keep going until you feel the panic get lost somewhere in all the Thank You's. Now notice your breathing again, and keep it going, too. Now caress your arms, and say Thank You, some more while you're doing it. So, what does Thanking YOURSELF have to do with him wanting to commit to you? EVERYTHING! The very moment - I guarantee you - that you switch your focus from even CARING whether he's "ready" to Thanking Yourself for just BEING WHO YOU ARE - he'll feel it. He'll turn around like a dog hearing his food being poured somewhere. He won't know why, he'll just feel, for a moment, exactly the way YOU do when HE catches YOU off guard. Think about this - when he upsets you the most, it's not because he's TRYING to, it's because he actually FEELS the urge to pull away. And if he did it out of anger, you wouldn't feel so upset - because anger is a strong feeling, and even having anger directed at us can make us feel connected to him somehow. But when he pulls away in an offhand manner - like he just isn't THINKING about you, or CARING for you - that makes you just want to go running after him. It's NOT something you can FAKE. It has to be real. And all the other things we've been taught to do don't work. It doesn't work to shut down. That just makes us both feel closed off and bad and creates more distance. It doesn't work to get angry and attack, because that's just too much energy directed at him - he'll run away faster. And it totally doesn't work to be "nice" and "fine" and "understanding," because that's totally FAKE and he'll pick up on it in a second. What WORKS is to turn your energy to yourself - not with anger or depression or blame - but with LOVE, AFFECTION, TENDERNESS AND THANKS. So try this Tool, and Thank Yourself for being you. And now, I want to Thank You, too, for being you, and for being here and being willing to want what you want. You are totally unique - I know you are, because your story is different from anyone else's, and your heart has unique qualities and unique - and HUGE - things to contribute to this world. Love to you on Thanksgiving, and I'll be breathing and doing my Thank You's to myself right along with you, no matter what happens. Let me know how it went for you. Love, Rori Here's a lovely story from Suzanne, so I thank her for her letter, and for her brilliant and brave baby step: Dear Rori, I was dating a man for several months and then we broke it off, just went too fast. We reconnected after a few months and have been taking it slow ever since, getting to know each other like we should have in the first place and I've been putting my Tools to good use ;) To be honest, even though I've been married and divorced, dated several men, etc., I realized after that particular breakup that I had very little in the way of actual relationship skills. Great career woman, just not so good at the relationship stuff, so I figured I'd better get my act together. I've been listening to your Reconnect CD in the car to and from work and it's making a great difference! I have always had a very hard time expressing myself, I would stuff down and stuff down, being "cool' and "laid back" until one day I wouldn't be able to stuff down anymore and would overreact at the smallest trigger. I wasn't doing it intentionally, but that's what would happen and of course it would work against me. Tonight we were talking, and something about the conversation didn't feel right. Towards the end, it just seemed like he couldn't wait to get off the phone, seemed very uncomfortable. I had just finished listening to some of "Reconnect" a few moments before the call and so I said one thing, "I feel uncomfortable." Right away he asked why and then I said, "Because I feel rushed," to which he asked what was the reason for that and then I was able to tell him and we cleared the air immediately. Tension gone, no stewing and no stuffing. It may not be a huge success, but to me it feels like a personal breakthrough. Baby steps all the way. Thank you, Suzanne. If Suzanne can have a small moment that feels SO GOOD she wanted to write me about it - and just from listening to my "Reconnect" CDs, so can you. It will be the support and information and exact WORDS you need to change everything in time for the Holidays. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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