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What To Do When a Man is Vulnerable |
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Here's a letter from "Carol," who's dealing with something we caring, loving, Good Women experience often - a man who's emotionally wounded: Hi, I started dating this man a couple months after his father died from a long illness. Although we'd met each other about 1 ½ years prior and had gone out several times, this time he was present and attentive and eager to spend time with me. Then he started to withdraw both physically and mentally (I think in part to dealing with his grief). And after reading your book, realizing I was relating with him all wrong...playing it cool, not really opening up with my feelings or allowing myself to be vulnerable. So we started talking about this distance and he said that he didn't really understand what was going on with him other than he felt he was closing off (and that he didn't know if it was his dad's passing or what)...he had no libido and that frustrated him... Well in any event we are now just friends but I still want the chance of a relationship with him. Do you think its possible to start again? He hasn't been staying too close in touch with me lately so I do not know what he is thinking or feeling. I told him that I wanted to give him his space and I do. I want to honor his feelings and let him do what he needs to do...But, it's a disappointment for sure and I wish that I would have read your book before we started seeing each other. And I wish I knew what to do to possibly open the door for romance with him again. Any advice for me? He is a really good, honest man deep down. And I know that I want to be more open and vulnerable in my relationships. Thanks (sorry for the long rant) :) Carol in San Francisco Carol is, like so many of us, a sufferer of the Good Woman Syndrome. You've somehow got it figured out that he's tender from his dad's death (which he is) and so you want to sway him into your arms with kindness, lovingness, respect, space, honoring him, goodness, maturity, all that. And that will never work. Not ever. What a man in a grief situation wants is someone so full of life and so focused on herself and completely UNNEEDY of attention and yet REQUIRING attention that he has to come out of himself to meet her where she is. This woman he has in mind is a woman who is desired and being chased by every man around. She's a woman who is CHOOSING to be with him. And her choice is NOT based on how SAD he is, but on what he does for HER. So many of us women are drawn to men who are suffering. It's poetic, It's romantic. We're attracted to it. But a man who's suffering doesn't want to feel on the receiving end of "pity," which is how he sees it. He sees himself as weak already, and if you are attracted to him for that, and show it by being extra understanding, extra nice, all the GOOD WOMAN things we do - then he's going to feel even weaker. And a man who feels weak around you WILL NOT be ATTRACTED to you! If we're always going over to where they are, they feel emasculated, unneeded (and though this is seemingly contradictory - men want to feel needed for the right things, like fun, great sex, heart connection - not for what we feel when we feel desperate and lonely) and completely unmoved by us. The solution and the cure for all this is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Be the girl who dances on tables and has a passion for things other than romance with him. THAT will get his attention. Use my Rori Raye Tools to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Laugh. Have fun. Forget about what you want from him or what you want him to feel from you. Here's a quick Tool: APPRECIATION IS DIFFERENT FROM "UNDERSTANDING." In other words - being understanding, and lenient, and forgiving, and easy on a man because he's in a difficult situation personally makes him feel BAD. It makes him feel weaker than you because you're the one GIVING to him. This is the time when he may be most drawn to a woman who is MORE WOUNDED than he is, and needs and appreciates his help. This is NOT you, and you don't want to pretend to be the damsel in distress. But there's something to learn from this "weak" female character, and that's VULNERABILITY. So much of my work is about getting in touch with your feelings so you can express them to your man, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and let him into your heart. There's a big difference between the needs even a strong woman has - for connection, for security, for a stable life of her own, for sharing herself and making a difference in the world, and for help with temporary difficulties she's going through - and the ongoing neediness of a desperate and insecure 'weak" woman who doesn't believe in herself and needs a man to make her "whole." Most of us have a little of ALL of those qualities - yes, even the ones we don't like. And being vulnerable means letting a man see ALL of them. Most of us are so afraid of our "neediness" taking over, that we don't allow a man to see the other needs - the ones that even our strongest parts have. We don't allow him to see our softness. And so he's left with a feeling of not being able to connect with us - no matter how hard we're TRYING to CREATE that connection. So, to get that started inside yourself (The Toolkit will help you tremendously) try switching from understanding to appreciating. When your man does anything - no matter how small, thank him. Let him do stuff for you. Let him see you with your hair down. Let him see that you're not so perfectly put together, either. And at the same time - use my Tools to keep yourself from ACTING on your needs - from calling him, or inviting him places, or pretending you aren't upset when you are. When a man feels appreciated, he feels stronger. Try it on every man you know and every man you meet, and see what happens. |
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