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How to Forgive a Cheating Husband and Deal With His Cheating. |
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If you've ever felt like you're
losing the power you once had with a man - like
you're not only in danger of losing the
relationship, but losing YOURSELF, too, I know how
horrible that feels. It's like you all of a sudden don't even know who you ARE anymore, much less what you should do to get things back on track. The hardest part to know about all this, and it's something we ALL know, deep inside, is that the SUREST way to lose a relationship is to lose YOURSELF. That's why my "Reconnect Your Relationship" CD program isn't just about what to do and say around HIM (though there's SO MUCH specific information, advice, steps, words and Tools in it about what to do and say around him), but how to change your "vibe" by connecting with YOURSELF, on the inside, so you'll be able to connect SO MUCH FASTER and easier with HIM. When you feel strong inside, and can trust your own boundaries and stand up for your own needs in the new ways you'll learn in "Reconnect," you'll be ATTRACTING HIM, instead of pushing him away. Have you ever felt you were in such a deep "hole" in your relationship you could never get out? That you couldn't trust your man at all, in almost any way - around other women, or just to take care of your BASIC NEEDS in the relationship - needs that we should have fulfilled without question in order to be with a man? If this sounds familiar to you, it does to me, too. When things were feeling insecure and uncertain with a man, all of a sudden everything got worse. Another woman would show up, or his work would get too time-consuming, or all of a sudden he'd start calling me his "friend" instead of his "girlfriend." Here are some letters that are so real, and yet so painful, that I know, if you've been reading my eletters and listening to my programs, you can follow along with my answers and know exactly what Tools Emma, Giselle and Julie could use to improve their painful situations. Let's use them to help you, too, with some of the worst scenarios possible: "Dear Rori, Two years ago I discovered my husband was cheating. As I dug into his hidden secrets I discovered he was having affairs with several women at once. He never admitted the truth until I confronted him with hard evidence that I found along the way. Even with evidence in front of him he would try to lie and explain it away at times. It took one year before their was no evidence of contact on his part. One of the women who lives far away still leaves "messages" by leaving voicemails playing "their song". What am I to make of that? He says it doesn't matter because he is not contacting her. Whenever I am feeling insecure I start asking him for a detailed account of his whereabouts. He will tell me--but it angers him. He says he doesn't like to be accused of lying. A verbal fight is the end result. We have been in counseling for over a year. We do not make permanent changes in behaviors to make this work. Do we call it quits? We have three children. He says he loves me and wants to stay married, however his own ego stands in the way of change. He says he is stubborn and will change when I do. I am not sure I love him enough to change. Is it possible to feel love again for someone that hurts me? Thank you, Emma" ***Dear Emma, I've worked with many women who're trying to put their marriages back together after all kinds of disloyalties - even "affairs" with other women. Here's the deal - for some of us women, sexual and emotional loyalty isn't the most important thing. Some of us care more about security (if he has money, for instance, and can take care of us) or about the excitement (if he's a very thrilling sort of man.) If you know about Halle Berry's last marriage, she stayed with a man who was regularly cheating on her. They called it a sex "addiction." If you can imagine Halle Berry - a woman many, many people think of as THE most beautiful woman in the WORLD - putting up with her husband having sex with other women, then you can see how challenging even something like this can be for all of us women. We know that Hillary Clinton put up with it for many years, and stood by her husband even through a public humiliation. Everyone has their own reasons. Some of these reasons have to do with low self-esteem. (According to Halle Berry, this was her issue.) Some have to do with a true love for the man, and/or a desire to get past the problem - whatever it is - and re-commit to the marriage because of children and other kinds of personal fulfillment that are all linked with the man. (This is how Hillary Clinton says she saw her situation.) ***If self-esteem and feeling down is at the bottom of the "vibe" you're putting out to a man, my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set will help you enormously. You can listen to me supporting you, inspiring you, leading you through easy ways to beef up the way you feel about yourself and your love life over and over - in your car or on headphones - and I guarantee you will feel so much better that your man will feel the difference. It's easy to say where a woman "should" come down on this issue of whether to stick with a man who's been unfaithful - but I say it has to do with how YOU, as the woman, FEEL. If what you love about the man is more important than sexual loyalty (many, many women married to movie stars and rock stars and politically and financially powerful men who have LOADS of opportunities to be with other women have dealt with this throughout history), then your choice would be to work it out. As long as it actually FEELS okay to you. If, however, it hurts like hell, then there would be no reason for staying. Marriage isn't about rules, it's about love, connection, and feelings. It's about feeling better WITH a man than without him. It's not about feeling bad WITH HIM and so scared without him you feel bad. You have to be able to make a choice from a place of high self-esteem. For most of us women - finally getting high self-esteem would lead us out the door. It seems to me that you might LIKE to be with your husband, but what's getting in your way is that you're holding onto so much anger and resentment - you're not making that re-connection possible. Once you've decided to forgive and continue on (forgetting is out of the question - don't even try), then you must also decide to start fresh. And - although it sounds awful - your husband is right in this. If you want this marriage to work - or if you even just want to be able to see it clearly enough to make a real decision, instead of letting it drift on in this terrible state - then YOU DO have to be the one to change. Even though HE was the one who did these awful things, if you really want this marriage to work, then you have to figure out the dynamics between you that caused it to happen in the first place. Once you've worked on yourself, you'll be able to see if he's just a toxic man you're well rid of, or if you've been somehow contributing to how this has gone down. This means you have to absolutely STOP accusing him, talking about his infidelities, being suspicious, jealous, curious - anything that has to do with HIM. You have to focus yourself 100% on YOURSELF - on your life, your passions, your commitments out in the world, and your own well-being. You have to get your mind and your heart away from caring about what he does, and onto caring about YOU. You have to go out and have FUN. You have to WANT to have fun. And he'll either chase after you and want to do what he has to do to keep you, or he won't. I can guarantee you that continuing to act from anger will NOT make him want to be with you. This is true in any relationship with a man, from the first date to the last breath you take together. A man is there with us because he wants to be, and for no other reason. So insisting that he toe the line and do ANYTHING you ask him to do - even if it's for the good of your marriage - will get you nowhere. Emma, focus on YOU. If you cannot smile and be happy around him, then perhaps you have your answer - perhaps you don't really want to be with him. It would also help you so much right now to get some counseling just for yourself - so you can learn about your own anger, and see how you can use it to feel better and stronger (I deal with anger in "Reconnect," too, so you might want to listen to those Tools a few times). Continuing to destroy the marriage will not get you the marriage. It will get you OUT of the marriage - and, if it were me, in this situation, that's where I'd want to be - OUT. But that's me. You must make your own decision. Just know - you can't have it both ways. If you want him, then use my Tools, get my Reconnect Your Relationship CD program, listen to it, work with it, and use every single Tool 24/7. Change your thinking, change your words, change your life. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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