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Communication and Marriage. Learn Effective Ways to Rebuild Communication in Your Marriage. If Your Having Problems with Your Marriage Learn How to Have the Relationship You Want. |
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So there I was, walking on eggshells during the
day and staying up all night trying to figure
things out. And everything I was doing was more damaging than if I'd done nothing. Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage. I was so not authentic - he never knew who I was, where I was coming from, and what I really felt. He stopped trying to communicate with me. And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF. I was carrying my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms - all by myself. If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn this around like I did, using the Tools I created for myself. I was doing so much "figuring out," it was taking up all my time and energy. Until I finally "figured out" how to undo all the damage my "figuring out" had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship - all in ONE MOMENT! And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to Figure Things Out. I'd been so tense and overworked and anxious, I'd just kept going, no matter what. I'd been jumping over obstacles I'd created for myself, I'd worked hard to fix things, and I'd worked hard at being cheerful and positive. I could have exploded. I could have blown a fuse or gotten really sick. Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED. I sat down on the floor and didn't have dinner ready. I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn't get up to Welcome my husband home. I could hear the coldness in his voice and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn't jump up and make everything "better," I stayed put. I didn't try to make everything "better." Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me. I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love. And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed. As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind. I thought and tried to "figure things out" through every second of those two very long minutes. I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a "good" wife (even though I worked, too). I could hear my brain trying to imagine how horrible our evening was going to be, what he must be thinking, how I should act, what I could possibly do, how I could "talk" to him, what we'd do for dinner, wondering if he'd felt "slighted" by me, again, trying to get into his head. And then the Magic Wand appeared. It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind. In that magic moment, I could "hear" my brain talking, and I could "see" my brain thinking. And I caught myself. I noticed it. And then, without thinking about it, I STOPPED myself. Just as I'd simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped thinking. I focused on my daughter, looked at her face, looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened. He walked over to me. He sat down next to me. I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME. He looked at me. I smiled at him. And in that one moment, we CONNECTED I could feel it. I could feel it through my whole body. If you had told me then that just NOT doing what I always did (and it might be different things for you that you always do and can stop doing) would make so much difference in my relationship, I would have rolled my eyes. I never would have believed you. If you'd told me that just staying put on the floor would be such a big, huge thing to do for myself and my marriage, I would have laughed. But it was. And that moment was what got the ball rolling for me. From there, I started feeling stronger. I stopped doing more and more, and to my never- ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come to me! And then, even more amazingly, as I started practicing this early version of my LeanBack Tool, I started to feel different inside. I got my confidence back,. I started to FEEL more powerful. I saw that my husband craved closeness as much as I did, he just didn't know how to do it. He couldn't put his finger on what was pushing him away from me. He could never describe what that was like for him, or exactly what it was I was doing or not doing, he just knew that even though yesterday he'd wanted to run away from me, now, all of a sudden he wanted to be close. He wanted to cuddle. He wanted to initiate sex. Actually, he wanted to Make Love to me. He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and cuddling up and kissing. He could never have given me the advice I needed to inspire him like this, because he didn't understand it himself. (I still don't talk about any of this to him, not because I want to keep secrets, but because it's not about HIM!) And this is where the HEALING happens. By staying put on the floor, I was paying attention to ME. By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter. (And by the way - you may have done these kinds of things before, pulling away, not doing what you may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and RESENTMENT. And this is different. I'll talk about anger in another eLetter, and how you can use it to help yourself instead of hurt yourself, but for now, I'll just say that staying put and focusing on yourself is expressing Love for YOURSELF, instead of Anger toward HIM. And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me - I SMILED. I was warm, I welcomed him. If I had been angry or resentful, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me. If I'd been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him. I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT. I would have been cold. I was so uncomfortable just sitting there, and so prepared for coldness from HIM, it was an amazing thing that I was able to be OPEN to him in that moment. But, I was. And that made all the difference. And when I felt it happen, the CONNECTION, I felt less afraid to do the same things again. I was braver. I was able to STOP moving toward HIM, and instead, be OPEN and WELCOMING when HE moved toward ME. And that's how I healed my relationship. Practically overnight. And now you can do it, too. Just follow the simple Tools in my eBook (really look at the chapter on Overfunctioning to do what I did first that made such a difference for me) and then use my Reconnect Your Relationship CDs to draw him close and heal you both. Also, if you'd like to send me a question or a problem you're having that I can answer in an eletter - or a Success Story! -- please e-mail me at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. When you write, you'll get a quick reply from my assistant, and she'll forward your letter to me. I may not be able to answer you personally, but I ABSOLUTELY WILL READ your letter, and perhaps answer it here, in these eLetters (if you'd rather not have me answer you here, let me know, otherwise I'll change all the names and places and go ahead). I love hearing from you, and it helps me to help you so much better when I know what you really need and want. Please feel free to forward these e-letters to a friend - and let her know she can get in touch with me and start receiving her own letters by going to www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com Let me know how you're doing! |
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