|
||||||
|
How To Avoid Being Clingy |
|
Have you ever felt so "needy" and out-of-control and almost desperate that you didn't even want a man to see you that way? But there he is, across from you at dinner, or next to you at the movies, and all you can feel is how ANGRY you are that he didn't call until the last minute? Or how afraid you are that he might be pulling away? And all you can think to do besides let him have it is to beat yourself up for just BEING in this situation? If you've ever found yourself in this impossible situation, you are not even close to alone. I remember being there, feeling all these emotions fighting inside me and trying to act cool and play it easy-breezy. When what I really felt like doing was either hitting him and running away, or grabbing him and pinning him to the ground until he agreed to love me and commit to me forever more. Feeling so many things at one time is so challenging, especially when you don't want to "rock-the-boat' at the early stages of a relationship. When you don't want to APPEAR needy or upset. When you want him to think of you as "cool" and easy. I know that even when I was a professional actress, and so many of my friends and acquaintances were actresses, I could never pull something like that off, and I didn't know a single woman, actress or not, who could. I watched all my women friends go through the same thing. And the most frustrating thing I remember is how I was fighting with myself inside. I thought, on the one hand, that I should express myself to the man so he'd get to know me (I was completely clueless about Boundaries at the time, so it never even entered my mind that HE should actually take responsibility for his insensitivity and general jerkiness, just like I was trying to own my anger and fear), but I had no idea how. Anytime I tried to express myself it came off like a Blame Game. I was just so scared that standing up for myself in any way would send him packing that I held onto my feelings - stuffing them down and down - until they burst out in some awful way that never worked. For me, and for almost every woman I'd ever met, it all came down to trying to PRETEND I wasn't feeling the way I actually WAS FEELING. I tried PRETENDING I wasn't feeling anything "big and ugly," but that just made me feel like two different people in the same body. I tried PRETENDING that it was no big deal. And almost everything was a big deal to me then. Because I'd been stuffing my real feelings down so long, it was difficult for me to even tell the difference between a big deal and something that didn't "mean anything." I interpreted everything as something rejecting or that hurt my feelings in other ways. And every little thing made me feel so bad, it seemed so HUGE, I was afraid to even TRY to express my feelings and concerns to a man. So instead of trying to communicate (remember there was NO ONE around then to help me know exactly how to do that), I stuck with pretending to appear "cool" and "okay with whatever". But, no matter how "cool" I tried to APPEAR to him, I still FELT BAD. And the worst thing was, Pretending just kept all my relationships on a very surface level. I couldn't figure out a way to let a man into my heart, because I couldn't even open it enough to tell him what I felt. I just let them hang around, enjoy my company and my body, and wondered why nothing "serious" or "committed" came into my life. And then I realized how my whole approach was a mistake. Even though I had no idea then what to do that might work with men, I finally "got" that pretending wasn't working at all, and probably never would work. I realized it just wasn't POSSIBLE to feel one thing and PRETEND to feel another. It was like lying. There's just no way to be jumping out of your skin and at the same time act like you're really comfortable inside it. And feeling comfortable in your own skin is the single most powerful thing you can do for yourself that will project CONFIDENCE and make you irresistible to a man. And what's even better - it's something you can LEARN to do! Right here, I'm going to give you enough understanding of what's going on, and a Tool that will help you shift this for yourself. I'll call the Tool - LOVING YOUR FEELINGS Loving Your Feelings is coming from strength - and it LOOKS to everyone out in the world like CONFIDENCE. (It feels like confidence on the inside, too). Loving Your Feelings says to the world that no matter how angry, guilty or scared you feel, you love yourself and ALL your feelings. It says that "Even though I'm feeling angry, guilty and scared, I EMBRACE MYSELF and all my feelings. Pretending is coming from weakness - it says to the world that you're at the mercy of how angry, guilty or scared you feel, and so you'll do anything to keep the world from seeing the REAL YOU. It wasn't until I realized that the ONLY way to have a REAL RELATIONSHIP with a man was to somehow let him know who I was and how I felt on the Inside that I was able to break through that sensation of being two people in my one body. The next steps I figured out were how to let him SEE the Real Me by letting him see those feelings, and then how to EXPRESS in words those inner feelings I was so afraid to let him see. And it all started with Loving My Feelings. I know how hard it is at the beginning when you're trying to figure out how to do that. Breakthroughs on your insides - any kind - are challenging. And sometimes getting what you want can be a little scary! But, unless you can feel GOOD about the way you are BEING, unless you can feel authentic about the way you are expressing yourself, you will always feel like something's missing. You'll always feel afraid for that moment when you let down all the PRETEND and he sees the REAL YOU. When, all along, it's the REAL YOU that is MOST ATTRACTIVE - in fact absolutely IRRESISTIBLE - to him! And you can do this! TO LOVE YOUR FEELINGS, try this simple first step: When something's bothering you - anything - something someone did or something that happened, no matter how small it seems to your brain, even if it has nothing to do with a man, STOP. Notice that your head is running a bunch of thoughts, and notice that your insides are being pulled in different directions. One of the directions might be your head spinning and spinning about what happened. One of the directions might be the awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that got "triggered" by what happened. Whatever thoughts and feelings you notice - choose the one that's in your body instead of the one that's in your head. You may be tempted to keep getting pulled into your head - after all, it's used to spinning around thoughts and things. That's okay. Don't argue with your thoughts or beat yourself up for having them. Just locate whatever you notice that's in your body. A stuck place around your heart, or a tenseness in your shoulder, or a nauseous feeling in your stomach. Then, just simply, say to yourself - I Love My Feelings. You may be tempted to judge them - to tell yourself your feelings are foolish or silly, and that you need to be more positive or straighten up. For now, just say, over and over - I Love My Feelings. What you'll feel, the moment you say that to yourself - and mean it as much as you can - is a second or two of relief. You'll feel something relax. And that's great! That's all you need. Try this in bits and pieces throughout the day. Just say to yourself I Love My Feelings - and let me know how it works for you! Here's a letter from "Lightbulb, who's just getting the hang of NOT PRETENDING: Dear Rori, I have written to you several times, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but I've been diligently practicing what you've suggested. Like a lightbulb it hit me!! I was acting and reacting with what I think and then dying inside with what I feel. Now I can see the difference between the two. And with that, I am more consistent and stable in his eyes. He can trust where he is in the relationship because he feels I am genuine in my actions and my feelings now. Before I was a clingy, needy, controlling, cry baby, demanding attention. Thank you, Lightbulb. If "Lightbulb" can experience a sudden turnaround, and with an issue that would seem to most of us to be huge - feeling and expressing ourselves as "needy" and "clingy" - then so can you! Love, Rori |
|
What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
|
To Get Your FREE Heart Connection Tools...
PLUS your FREE subscription to my powerful Relationship Advice e-letter
and enter the site, use your first name and a valid email address then
click "To Free Tools!" (All information is 100% Confidential!)
|
|
|||||
|