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Stop Being Jealous and Take Control of Your Relationship. Learn How to Control Your Relationship Now! |
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Here are some letters from women in very
painful situations that we can work through
together. "Dear Rori, There is a guy that I met several months ago. In the beginning everything was fine. He would email me with sexy messages and then we hooked up one night, and then more times in 5 months. Now after all of that he says he is not attracted to me, that he just wants to be friends. I just want to tell him in a nice way how used I feel because that is the way I feel. He says he has moved on and feels freaked out about our hook up. He stated that it was a big mistake. How do I tell him the way I feel, when he still wants to be my friend and hang out with me? Thank you, Gloria" ***Dear Gloria, I know this is going to be hard to hear, but he only emailed you and asked you for sex. YOU said yes. And you had sex with him without any kind of discussion about relationship, or what it meant. It sounds like there was not even a "dating" situation - only "hookups." So, the question is - how can a man who "likes" us enough to want to hang out with us as a "friend" not be interested in anything more? And the answer is hard to take - if we act like a "man" - meaning we're available for sex with "no strings attached" or even a regulation "dating" relationship, then a man ASSUMES we're fine with "sex as a sport." In other words, if we don't REQUIRE an emotional connection before we sleep with a man, he ASSUMES there IS NO connection. And worse - he assumes WE'RE OKAY with that! Men only know how men are. They have to be taught how to relate to a woman. Men have different codes, different signals, different attitudes toward sex and different meanings attached. Even if they're decent guys and don't want to hurt us on purpose, they won't make us fill out a questionnaire about what we REALLY mean by having sex with them. They just assume it's MEANINGLESS. So, next time - before you have sex, follow the Rori Raye plan and make sure YOU know how you feel about the SEX you're having. If it's meaningless to you, and just for fun, then you, perhaps, are one of many women who can have sex that way. If sex is ALWAYS meaningful to you, as it is with most women, then make sure you have a relationship BEFORE you have sex. As for now, please don't hang out with him. Please just cut him off. No contact, no emails. If you see him around town, be warm, as you'd be to anyone, but stay away. He means you NO GOOD, and I care about you - so please, take better care of yourself. The words you'd use would be "It feels awful to be around you right now. I feel...(fill in the blank here with what you really feel - embarrassed, sad, frustrated, disappointed... - and I don't want to just be friends with you." And stay with those same words over and over again. Don't get caught up in explaining things or analyzing what happened - just go out with new men, start having some real fun, get involved in things that are important to you, and stay away from him. Let me know how it goes with the next man - I know you will take better care of yourself with him, and have much more success because when you love yourself, and care for yourself, you attract the BEST men. Love, Rori "Dear Rori, I have been with a man (living separately) for 5 years. At first he said he wanted me to live with him to see if we get along and if I like living at his place. We would get engaged and build a house and get married. He started to add on a bedroom so we would be able to be together. BUT he never finished it. He doesn't finish anything he starts and he says things he doesn't do. This did frustrate me. I do love him and my hopes matched his initial promise. Then, he said he needed a break. He was moving on. He said we don't get along. I know the problem was that I was "waiting" for him. And of course all the anger, frustration, loneliness etc. came because of that. I think there's another girl he wants to see, and see if she suits him. He says he still loves me, and even said maybe we will be back together. He started the bedroom 5 years ago and then stopped. Money is an issue with him, but he never wants to be home. Only to sleep and shower. Do I just let him go to date other women? And of course I will date other men, but I just feel like I love him. I love the hopes and dreams I had of being with him. I just don't know what to do. Or what to say to him. We love each other. He thinks we can't live together. I say we never got to that point and that is where my anger came from. Thank you, Me Girl" ***Dear Me Girl, I'm so sorry to not be encouraging, but all I want to say to you is to GET AWAY from him as fast as you can. You cannot love a man who doesn't "think you get along," and has decided not to live with you. Five years is a very long time. If you want to still see him occasionally while you date other men, that would be fine - IF YOU CAN HANDLE THAT. But - imagine how quickly another 5 years could go by with nothing happening... By not SENDING HIM AWAY completely, and turning your attention 100% to new men and a new, fulfilling life WITHOUT HIM, you are boxing yourself in. And if you've been "waiting" for him all this time, I'm guessing your Boundaries in almost all areas are very weak. Please use my Tools, right now, this minute, to develop some real Boundaries, to raise up your self-esteem and your hopes for the future. You've pinned your life to this man, and he is not doing his job. He's letting you languish. And the thing is - it's no one's fault! You've been taught to be nice, kind, understanding, and to make excuses for men. Because he says you don't get along, you've been taught to assume that the problem is with YOU - and it ISN'T. He is hanging onto you because you are clearly a fabulous, kind, loving woman - but he is not DOING anything for you or with you. Please cut this off completely and start a whole new life. Let me know how it goes with new men - let a great man PROVE to you that HE'S worthy of YOU! Love, Rori Dear Rori, My name is Tracy. I was dating a boyfriend for 7 years. We were what I thought was happy. We spent a lot of time together, talked to each other numerous times a day. We have had a solid relationship. We did not fight all that much and when we did it was never a big deal. We started to talk about moving in together. He had wanted to move in together a very long time ago but it was not the right time. We started to talk about the "future". We were planning on moving in and he seemed fine with the idea. We started to buy items for our apartment. I know that having a home is more important to him than getting married right now. I was honest about how I felt and said that I wanted to get married eventually. I was willing to compromise. We were enjoying a weekend together. The topic of our future came up again. I said that I thought moving in together was the best thing for us right now. He was fine when he was with me. The next day he called me and told me he needed "space". We have since broken up. He says that he cares about me but is not in love with me. This is after six weeks of space. Do you think he no longer loves me? Do you think he is just having cold feet? Is this relationship worth trying to mend? Tracy" ***Dear Tracy, You're experiencing the same thing DeAnna did on "The Bachelor" this season on TV. Brad, the "Bachelor," clearly thought DeAnna was "great and amazing." He said so many times. He said they had a very special and deep connection, and referred to her as his possible "soul mate." He had her father flown out to the show so he could ask him for DeAnna's hand. He bought an engagement ring. He told DeAnna on Saturday that the final rose ceremony on Monday would be a "good day." And then, at the last second, he told her she had "all the qualities he wanted in a woman" but that he didn't "love her." And that was it. No more dates, no curiosity on his part about seeing her again outside of the artificial environment of the show. Nothing. And 2 1/2 months later, when they all returned to tape a show about how the ending had gone, he stuck to what he said. He said he hadn't had so much as a coffee with another woman, so he didn't end it with DeAnna because he cared more for anyone else. He said he simply "didn't fall in love." And he "knew" he never would, so he didn't even have any interest in dating her. This is exactly what's happening to you. Now - here's your chance. I firmly believe that DeAnna might have been able to change her ending by using my Tools - in this way. Your relationship sounds wonderful, but it also sounds like it lacks passion and "juice." This can only come from us women. DeAnna WAS a terrific woman, but you could FEEL the shield around her heart. When she and The Bachelor talked, with the cameras watching, it seemed like more of a business meeting than anything else. Though she was able to hang onto her power when they were doing things like racing cars and doing things, she wasn't able to hold onto her personal power in her RELATIONSHIP to him. It felt as though she was giving over her heart to him - and way too early - by TELLING him what she FELT - but her heart was, in fact - CLOSED. So try this: Right now, this minute, get yourself a life. And by a life - I mean something PASSIONATE. Please start dating other men TODAY - get yourself on match. com, try other online services, go to speed dating, ask your friends to fix you up, try meetup.com and find things that are interesting to you - not as a way to meet men, but as a way to express your passionate feelings about SOMETHING. Become very, very HAPPY. Let him fade out. Throw him out of your mind. Do not contact him in any way, and if he should contact you - PLEASE - get my "Reconnect Your Relationship" CDs and do the Goodnight Talk and Feeling Messages NONSTOP. Become the feeling, sensuous woman you are inside, instead of the "thinking" woman you are on the surface. I believe he may show up again - and when he does, you have to be completely DIFFERENT - and NOT "different" FOR HIM! USE this horrible event of having your hopes dashed to do a 180 for yourself, and be different for YOU. And for the very next man who shows up. Love is an emotional connection, and he has to get to your heart in order to connect. When you said in your letter "I said that I thought moving in together was the best thing for us right now" what I heard was the voice of a thoughtful, well-organized, reasonable and well- modulated thinking woman. Now's your chance to develop the FEELING side of you, so that when he shows up, you can CONNECT INSTANTLY. Yes, you can. This is a process. You can't jump the steps. You have to organically soften your outside, while you toughen up your insides. You can do it! Please, though - don't focus this new you on HIM. Instead - practice with OTHER MEN. Please let me know how it works for you, and what happens. I'll be thinking of you, and holding out all the hope in the world for you to have what you want. Love, Rori "Dear Rori, I'm Christine, and I've been dating a guy for five months and I love him, but I'm confused about him. You see, I have a big jealousy problem and it leads to trust issues. How can I trust his "girlfriends"? He says that he's known one of them since he was younger and that they go way back. Can that lead him to like her or her to like him? Once, at lunch, they threw grapes at one another and that was bad for me. It felt like it was flirting. Is it? ***Dear Christine, There are two parts to your question. One is - what to do with your jealousy issues if there's nothing to be jealous of, and one is what to do about your man if he's making you jealous on purpose (in other words, there is something to be jealous of). And how to tell the difference. First - let me talk about the "girlfriends" thing. The truth is - when a man is only interested in a woman as a "friend" - no matter how close it might look like to you - he's only interested in her as a friend, and nothing more. If that's ever happened to you - being the woman who's the good "friend," then you know how painful that can be. All you would feel for that woman, even if she's got a good food fight happening, is compassion. Because, the truth is - he's with YOU, not HER. So, be very glad to not be her. On the other hand, if a man is friends with a woman only because SHE'S the one who just wants to be "friends," then he might have wanted more all along and is in the same awful position as any one of us who's been put in that same position. In that case, if the woman were to change her mind, he might jump at the chance. I don't know what situation your man is in, and you don't say how he relates to you, what kind of fun you have, and what he's told you about his feelings for you. So, in the end - there is NO WAY to know. Even asking him directly wouldn't get you anywhere, because most men wouldn't even own up to having feelings other than friendship for a woman who's just a "friend." This is very, and painfully, obvious to us when it's an "ex" who's the friend. Sometimes a man will be friends with an "ex" because that's all she'll have with him, and then his relationship with YOU just can't really be - he's still hung up on the "ex." You can tell this by how he runs to her when she needs him, runs when she calls, and does things for her that he doesn't do for YOU. And then there's the situation in which your man is friends with an ex just because he knows her, she's safe, and SHE cares more for HIM than he does for her. Many men I know make EVERY woman they've ever been with into a friend. It makes them feel good, and it insures they always have a woman to be with and to go places with. Don't underestimate the power of a "friendship" for a man. If what he feels is "friendship," then it will never, ever turn into a real, true romantic relationship, but the comfort and companionship of it can be very IMPORTANT to a man. So, if you're the "friend," even if his feelings for you are only "friendship," and not true love, he still won't want to let you go. He'll hold onto you - not because he wants to lead you on and hurt you - but because having a woman around him who's great and good and who LOVES him is HUGE for a man. The only problem is, it doesn't do US any good. So, Christine, if I were you I wouldn't worry about his "girlfriends." Make them your friends, too, and laugh right along with them. But, now, lets deal with YOUR jealousy. Jealousy is a problem having to do with low- self-esteem. It means that on some deep level, you don't believe you're worth much, and don't believe he could actually CHOOSE you over any other woman. The moment you worry about another woman, you are taking love away from yourself. If this man is triggering your jealousy non- stop, perhaps this an excellent opportunity for you to work on this. There are many ways to lift your self-esteem (my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set will help you tremendously), and one you could start with right now is to find a passion for yourself that is MORE IMPORTANT to you than worrying about other women. Find a group or club or event in your community that FEELs good to you. It could be a charity, or learning to speak at Toastmasters, or taking art classes, or learning to ice skate, or going ballroom dancing. All these are GREAT ways to feel useful and valuable and raise your self-esteem. You'll know you're taking care of yourself and creating a fulfilling life for yourself when your man starts paying you more attention - without you doing ANYTHING! So, find something in yourself that needs to be expressed - art, business, charity - and really get INTO it. You'll see. If you really do this, HE'LL almost automatically be more into YOU. Let me know how it works. Love, Rori "Dear Rori, I am not sure why I am attracted to this man, Mark, in the first place because I hardly know him at all. I am not beautiful (as in outside looks, though my friends tell me I am true on the inside), however I'm a deeply feminine person, who is on the romantic side. I fear I fell for his looks because he looks like he just popped out from a magazine or maybe it is his cologne. I cant keep my eyes off him during the day, and whenever he shows more attention to other girls I look away, trying not to be jealous and wishing he's going to pay me some more attention. Then, whenever he does sit near me, we never talk about personal issues but only business. I am quiet, and I don't know how to talk to men. When I bring up a topic he just answers with maximum, one sentence answers. He is clearly not interested in me. I haven't told him my feelings but I gave him hints. He never replies. What are some good topics to talk about before even reaching dating? And what makes me so man repellent? Meg ***Dear Meg - What you have is a lovely, sweet and painful "crush." We've all gone through that, and there's no limit on crushes - it can happen to any of us, and at any time in our lives. It happens to gorgeous supermodels and actresses and rich celebrities. But the truth is, No man is too "good" for you. The world is full of great, romantic stories of famous, wonderful, fabulous people falling in love with and marrying people we might think of as "Nobodies." There are no rules to romance. So, the work must do right now is to lift your own self-esteem and your belief in yourself. What makes you attractive to any man is that you love yourself so much you don't care what other people think or even whether they like you. Loving yourself and radiating that, even if you have to make up ways to treat yourself with love (so that you begin to feel as if you do love yourself even when you don't think you do), will attract men. Longing for any man is useless - a waste of your energy. But, if you USE the energy of the crush - to help yourself come out of the shadows and love yourself in the presence of men - a crush can be FUN! Try looking at it that way - as a possible fun, growing, learning experience for you. A crush can light you up inside - make you feel braver than you normally would. It can make you want to look good and pay more attention to yourself, and get dressed up for yourself, and feel actually turned on all day long. A crush can help you BLOSSOM. So USE this experience. Let it push you out of your comfortable, quiet place and get out in the world a bit. Try making yourself available to men. Allow men to find you and ask you out - by doing things that truly interest you, are important to you, AND where men are. Practice my Tools - in my book and Toolkit and Reconnect Your Relationship programs - wherever you go. (My Heart Connection Toolkit CDs especially will help you lift your spirits immediately, and give you a way to talk to yourself that you can do all day long to feel better and stronger inside. |
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