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How To Stop Jealousy From Ruining Your Relationship |
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Have you ever let yourself fall into that pit where you're just plain jealous? It doesn't matter what happened - maybe he looked at another woman when you were out instead of hearing what you were saying. Maybe he danced with another woman at a party you went to together. Maybe it's his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife who always seems to somehow be in the picture. I remember feeling so afraid of my jealousy - so judgmental about it, that I couldn't get it out of my head! It was like this hot potato in my heart. I was so fixated on getting rid of it that it just got hotter and hotter. I don't remember which was worse - believing I had something to be jealous about - that my man might REALLY cheat on me - or thinking I was insane for even having these thoughts. You don't have to suffer like this. You can feel so good about yourself that you'll stop beating yourself up for your thoughts, and at the same time feel secure that you will no longer trust a man who cannot be trustworthy. Here's a letter from Karen, who can't let go of her hurt from an old relationship and is finding herself desperate and stuck in jealousy: Rori, I have been dating the most wonderful man, I'll call him "Greg," for 7 months. We have clicked from the beginning. We are both 31 and have talked of marriage and being together. On a handful of occasions I have made a spectacle of myself with my jealousy. A majority of those times have been about one of his best friends, who just so happens to be a female. She's also happily married. This last spectacle was a couple of days ago, I assumed he was checking out girl waitresses in short skirts. I told him later that night I don't like being disrespected and felt that by him checking them out in front of me that is what was happening. I later found out he was telling his friend he thought it was ridiculous they dressed like that. I felt horrible and once again shamed that I allowed the green monster to show again. Now, I am really concerned I am beginning to push him away since it has happened about 5 times in 7 months. I was married briefly before I met Greg. When my ex-husband traveled, I used to find numbers in his suitcase, his friends would come into town and they would not come home until early morning hours, so forth. I absolutely did not trust him. He shredded the last piece of self-esteem I had through verbal abuse. It took me a year after the divorce to feel independent, confident and ready to date. That is when my co-worker had a picture of us and his friend Greg saw it and just had to meet me. Greg and I have been like two peas in a pod for 7 months. He is the greatest guy, always concerned, loving, affectionate.....everything I wanted in a man. Somehow I am managing to destroy the one thing I have always wanted in life with my jealousy. I refuse to let this happen, but don't know what steps I should take. I just can't stop thinking he is beginning to have second thoughts. I am scared I will lose something I have always dreamed about having. What can I do??? How do I control my jealousy and show him I have changed? Desperate for answers, Karen My heart goes out to Karen. And I applaud her for understanding that nothing she could possibly be jealous of could take her man away from her as easily as her jealousy itself. If her jealousy controls her, it will push her man away. None of us will get anywhere with our jealousy, or with our man, if we try to "show" him ANYTHING. We can't show a man we're not jealous. We have to BE not jealous. So how can Karen change this deep-down jealousy so she can be calm, easy-going, and completely and absolutely NOT feel out-of-control and run by her jealousy - and fast enough to save her relationship? First, Karen has so much going for her here, and so do all of us. Letting your jealous feelings run you, instead of just letting them float in the SOUP of feelings you have inside you - CAN push a man away. Even a man who feels right with you. So - there's no reason at all to be afraid of another woman. Other women are a blip on the radar screen. They mean nothing. It's what YOU provide that means everything. He chose you because you FEEL RIGHT to him. In other words, you can't turn back the initial ATTRACTION. But you can turn back his desire to STAY. Karen is absolutely right that her jealousy could send him all the way away. But only if she lets it RUN her. If she lets it just LIVE inside her, instead of pushing him away, she'll draw him even closer! Sounds amazing doesn't it? I know it sounds hard to believe, yet it's true. It's not what you FEEL - it's what you DO with what you feel that counts. The feeling of jealousy is just a feeling. Like any other feeling. It doesn't have words. It doesn't call him late at night wondering what he's doing. It doesn't text him all day long. It doesn't ask him what he did on Saturday night. These are things WE do. Jealousy just sits inside you. And it either drills it's way into your heart and your brain and joins up with fear and anger and crowds out all the other feelings, like joy and happiness, and silliness and warmth, or it just floats around in the SOUP of all your feelings, just like any other. When you let it FLOAT, it comes and goes. It doesn't have too much importance, it's just part of the amazing creature that is YOU. When you allow all your feelings - no matter how awful you think they are, to just float around inside you - without trying to sit on them, or push them away, or judge them, something powerful happens. Your opinion of yourself soars. You start, without doing a thing, to feel confident. And as you feel more confident, and get used to just allowing everything going on inside you - butterflies and anger, tension and sadness - to just float through you without grabbing onto any one of them - that's when you'll see - he FEELS RIGHT WITH YOU. And that's all he wants. He just wants to feel right. He just wants to feel AT HOME. He wants to feel that there's room inside YOU to "get" HIM. He wants to feel that there's room inside YOU, no matter how much you've been hurt in the past, to LET HIM IN. And you've got a lot of leeway here. Men expect a certain amount of jealousy - they can even handle a little bit of possessiveness and fire. They just don't want to feel you're overly insecure or needy or clingy, and they don't want to have to watch everything they say or do around you. The trick to changing your attitude just enough to allow yourself to breathe and let your feelings float inside you is to embrace yourself. To decide to BE HAPPY. To decide that NOTHING is worth knocking around your well-being, and nothing is worth shaking your happiness. Instead of looking at the world and seeing threatening things to be afraid of, when you look at the world, you embrace it. Instead of tightening up and stuffing down your feelings of jealousy and fear - or whatever emotions come up - when another woman is around your man, embrace those feelings - icky as they may be, and embrace yourself. And then the next step is something you may not want to do, though it will help you tremendously. While you're embracing yourself, mentally and emotionally embrace everyone else, too. Even beautiful, sexy women you may see when you're with your man. It's just not possible to EMBRACE yourself, and not embrace others. It won't work to try to make that cut-off, where you love you but not others, appreciate you but not others. To get past the feeling of being THREATENED by someone or something, embrace everyone and everything - especially yourself and your own feelings. FLOATING and EMBRACING are Tools that will help you with the bottom line of jealousy - low self-esteem and the idea that if your man looks at another woman he's as good as out the door. It's not true - he's still there. Float your jealousy and fear and he'll be there with you forever, because you're a woman who can not just handle, not just tolerate, but EMBRACE her feelings. Goddesses can sometimes be full of fury. You're a goddess, and you don't have to stuff your fury down. And you don't have to unleash your fury on him, either. Instead, smile at him. Feel your fury. Hug yourself. Float. You can do this. If jealousy is a serious issue for you, like it is with Karen, let me know and I'll create new Tools for you around it. Love, Rori |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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