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Giving Him Space to Come to You |
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HERE'S A LETTER from "Lillian," exactly how she wrote it and sent it to me, and she really shows us how easy it is to fall into a relationship mistake: Hi Rori, I have a boyfriend of 4 months. I love him very much and he loves me . But my problem is that I can't control my feelings (I tell him "I love you" all the time, sending him amazing mails and messages - but he DOESNT). He told me several times I love you but not as much as I do. For example, I sent him a lovely email yesterday. I checked my mail but I didn't find any thing back at all!?!! I went to my computer and the passion filled me - I wanted to receive a mail from him but THERES NOTHING !!! SO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO? "Lillian" Because Lillian's situation is so common to so many of us, and because she expresses the pain and frustration of it so well, I asked to answer it here in an eLetter. It's really helpful to see how Lillian's situation is a perfect example of an Imaginary Relationship. An Imaginary Relationship, as opposed to a Real Relationship, is where you're already to the end point of the relationship - where it's all signed, sealed and delivered - even before you have any real indication from him about where HE'S at. Where you can't help CHASING him, because you need him to hurry up and get to where you already are on the Relationship Timeline. The Relationship Timeline is what I call the whole experience with a man from the moment you meet him until you walk off into the sunset with him, fully committed. And when you're out in front on the Relationship Timeline, you can't help feeling bad - because he's always BEHIND YOU! It feels like he's "dragging his feet" or not giving you what you want on-purpose. When the truth is - he's just doing exactly what he wants to do. And chasing him or getting behind him and trying to push him forward in the relationship - no matter how gently, subtly or carefully and sweetly we do it - will ONLY RESULT in pushing him further AWAY. ***Let's bring in my Tools now to help you never again find yourself in Lillian's situation: FIRST, DON'T TRY TO "CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS." The part in Lillian's letter that can help so much to use my Rori Raye Tools is when she says she "can't control her feelings." The important thing to know here is - there's a big difference between "Feelings" and "What we do." Not only can't we control our feelings, we don't want to! It works totally against us to try to stuff down, reign in, or change our feelings. If you'd like to feel so much stronger and better about yourself and the ups and downs of your emotions, you'll want to hear me walk you through completely new ways to get more in touch with those emotions and actually USE them to get closer to any man, almost instantly, in my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set. Feelings are our friends, not our enemies. All of them - even the ones we don't particularly like - can help us bring the love we want closer and keep it forever. Feelings are our compass in this world. Our emotions are how we tell what's going on with us inside, and also - what's really going on in our world. How we feel at any given moment is the RESULT of our emotions getting "Triggered" by something. And here, Lillian is not only getting triggered and feeling the good stuff - LOVE and PASSION for this man - she's getting triggered and feeling the bad stuff. She's feeling COMPELLED to TELL HIM what she feels - all the time - even when it doesn't work well for her to do so. Even when it ends up making her feel bad. But the problem isn't so much with her telling him she loves him. The problem is that she EXPECTS HIM to TELL HER BACK. And then, just as we all would, she feels bad when he doesn't. In a way, Lillian is keeping score. She figures if she tells him she loves him, then he'll tell her he loves her. She is - in a weird way that we ALL do - giving to get. Every time she sends an email, it's like an instruction to him to send her one back. And if he doesn't, she feels upset. So, in looking at it this way, what is she to do? WE HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT WORDS WE USE WHEN WE TALK TO A MAN. We have power! If Lillian, or any one of us, feels love for a man, and choose to express it - like, "I feel so much love in my heart when I see your beautiful face" - then EXPRESSING it (without any caring at all what happens or what he does after we express it) has to be ALL we want. If there's even a tiny, tiny bit of expecting him to do the same - then we'll push him away. He won't feel our love, he'll feel PRESSURE. He won't feel our open heart and body and passion just ready for him to dive into - he'll feel our expectation. He'll feel that we want something from him. And that feeling of being pushed and pulled will send ANY man running for the hills. I know how hard this is. The more we give, and the less we get back, the more desperate we feel. And almost all of us feel exactly like this when we're with a man we like. And some of us stuff all of it down and act "cool". And some of us stuff a little of it down and try to find a middle range of how to act, even though we feel like climbing all over him. And some of us just abandon ourselves to the feelings, like Lillian, and CHASE him down. And it really hurts when we don't get back what we put out. It's really frustrating to know that just PUTTING OUT that kind of energy is enough to drive most any man AWAY. Even knowing, down deep, and in the back of our minds, that showering our man with love and affection doesn't work, we feel COMPELLED to keep doing it. And the more it doesn't work, the further away he goes, the more we feel compelled to give. Giving seems to be the right thing to do - even when we can see and experience and feel for ourselves that it isn't working. And then we give more and more - and as soon as we continue doing that - we are ABSOLUTELY SURE to GET EVEN LESS FROM HIM! THE ONLY WAY TO REVERSE THIS - And YES, you can reverse it - and pretty much overnight, too - is to STEP BACK. No matter how desperate you feel, if you STOP DOING all those giving things you're doing - the words of love, the emails, the reaching out - you will bring him back. And I know how easy it is to just say STOP. It's like saying "Just relax." Yeah, it makes sense, but how do you do it? That's what my Tools are for. You have me helping you feel so much stronger - so that you can actually stay away from the phone and the computer. So that you can stop initiating contact and stop initiating "love talk" and stop trying to push and pull him down the Relationship Timeline. So that you can give him some room to move TOWARD you. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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