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How Do Men Think About Women and Relationships? Understand How Men Think and How Men Respond to Woman and Have The Relationship You Want. |
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Here's a letter from "Confused," who's shocked by
what's happened to her wonderful relationship: "Dear Rori, I dated this guy for 3 months and we had a blast. I finally met someone who was fun to be around and made me laugh. We discussed dating each other only and even talked about how we felt about each other. Then one day he quit calling. When I finally heard from him several weeks later he told me he freaked out and shut down. He had feelings for me that were strong and hadn't felt like this about anyone since his divorce 2 years ago. I was hurt and angry because I too had strong feelings for him and couldn't understand why this happened. He was the first guy since my divorce 4 years ago that gave me those feelings. I didn't date for 3 years after the divorce until this last year. I understand that he went through a bad divorce, which I did also, and I know about fears because at times I feel them too. However, we have remained friends and occasionally we will end up at the same place hanging out with mutual friends and we have sat and talked about what had happened and why. He claims he still likes me but has a commitment issue. What I am confused about is he always keeps in touch by text, email or phone call. We both have 9 year olds who are friends. They spend the night at each other houses and run around together. I do know I am the first female that he has dated that he has let come around his son. He is very protective of that area. I know there are still feelings between us when we see each other. It's obvious and we even joke about it. We both have dated other people since. Why does he keep in touch and where is this going? I am confused and don't know what to do because I still really like this guy. Thank you, Confused" ***If you've ever been through this situation, or if you're going through it now, let's look at what seems to be Real in Confused's relationship with this man, and what is most likely Imaginary - first, here's what he's saying: He claims he "likes her," and that he has a "commitment issue." The truth is, these are things men SAY. Men are really easy - they actually say exactly the truth, but most of us women make it so hard on ourselves by trying to "interpret" what a man says on a "deeper level." And most of the time, there ISN'T a DEEPER LEVEL. Most of the time it's pretty superficial. "I like you" can mean "I like you like I like my friends, and my dog, and my dad, and my aunt, and all those girls on TV and at church." Even "I love you," can mean "I love you like I love my mom and my best friend, and every girl I've ever dated - because I 'care' about you, and you're a "nice" person who - well, why wouldn't I love you?" If he says "I'm IN love with you," there's a much higher chance he means the real deal, but it's still only WORDS. Sometimes we get sucked in by a man's words because on some level - we WANT to. We want to believe he means what we want to believe he means. And then we feel foolish when it turns out he never really meant what we thought he meant. We think we have to do that, because, let's face it, we women are SO much better at emotions and at "reading" people than men are. And we're so much more compassionate and understanding about psychology that we instinctively look for DEEPER meanings. But a lot of the time, we make assumptions about what a man means because of our own low self- esteem. If you think you may be jumping too fast when a man says the words you want to hear, but isn't following through with actions, try out my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set. By the end of listening to it even once, you'll feel so much stronger and more in love with YOURSELF, and you'll have brand new Tools that will ATTRACT HIM in amazing and surprising ways. "Confused" has another issue that's making it even harder for her to see what this man is really saying to her - the part where his child and her child are friends, and she's the first woman he's let into his home and around his child. It sounds really impressive, doesn't it? That he trusts her around his son? But let's look at it in reverse - what would you do if a man you dated had a child who was a friend of your child's? Or a relative or friend who was a close friend of yours? Wouldn't you do your level best to be "friends" with him, no matter what happened between you or how you felt? And we already know he's a "good guy," so he doesn't want to upset you or lose you from his life. And here we come to the key point in this eLetter: A MAN DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE A GOOD WOMAN FROM HIS LIFE. He may not be in love with her, but he doesn't want to lose her. That's why after a break-up men will text you, call you, come around, leave you all kinds of confusing and provocative messages - because he doesn't want to lose you from his life. He doesn't want to do what he has to do to KEEP a good woman - which is to MARRY HER, but he doesn't want to lose her. So he tries to split the difference. He does as much as he has to do to not lose you, without going over the edge and having to do what he has to do in order to keep you. And that, in a nutshell, is why a man is so confusing when he tries to stay in touch with us, even when the "relationship" doesn't seem to be happening at all. He's not trying to get back together with us. He's just trying to not lose us from his life. UNTIL he meets a woman he feels compelled to KEEP by MARRYING HER. And if that's ever happened to you - where a man tries not to lose you, and then, the next minute he's engaged to someone else, then you know how totally mystifying and humiliating it feels. (I don't know a single woman to whom that hasn't happened, so if it's happened to you, you've done that one for the rest of your life and you don't ever have to experience it again.) Now YOU can be the one he feels compelled to KEEP. Really. If it happened for me, it can happen for you. The third thing that's working against Confused is the "hanging on and hanging in" part. See how she's thinking that the feelings they have for each other, and the fellowship of having children who are friends, and the fun they had actually MEANS something in the long run? And it doesn't. Men can have all kinds of feelings. And they understand practically NONE of them. And so WE try to figure them out FOR THEM. Only we interpret a man's feelings the way we would if he were a woman - and men are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. And sometimes - Confused, this is tough love, so I understand if you don't want to read further, but I truly want to be the friend you need right now, the one who tells you the truth instead of just what you want to hear. Most of your friends will tell you the man has subconscious problems or that he's clueless. I want to tell you something else. Anytime you try to read into a man's heart, you'll lose. Anytime you try to "understand" the pain of his divorce, or the pressure of his job, or the drag of his ex-wife, or the importance of time spent with his children, you will most likely be shooting yourself in the foot. Anytime you try to figure out his feelings for you means something is not right. Anytime you try to guess what's going on you will probably be wrong. All you can count on is what's right in front of you. If he's there, with you, then he wants to be with you. If he SAYS he wants to be with you, but, still, he ISN'T, then he doesn't want to be with you, no matter what he says. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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