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Learn How To Love Yourself and Build Self Esteem To Have The Relationship You Want. |
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***Here's a letter from Linda, who's struggling
with frustration and jealousy: Hi Rori, I'm in desperate need of help. Just reading some of your words has made me realize how pushy I have been and has led my boyfriend to break up with me. This is the second time. We broke up the first time due to my jealousy problems. I feel I have now blown my second chance with this man. I really love him so very much and I know my need to "fix' things has led to this. I can't imagine the rest of my life without this man in it. We have been together on/off for 3 years and he really is the first man I have truly been in love with and I think because of that a lot of these problems have happened. I'm so scared. I'm 41 and I feel like my life has passed me by somehow and I can just never say or do the right things. Thanks for listening, Linda Here's my answer: Linda, your jealousy is just part of the anger and frustration you feel because you're working too hard and doing too much in your relationship. It's wonderful that you're able to see how you're "Overfunctioning," but please don't beat yourself up. It's where we all start - when we realize what we've been doing isn't working. First, you don't mention your "boyfriend" doing anything to cause you to feel jealous, which would be something else entirely. Even so, I would guess that this is not just all about you - and that he's setting you off in some way. In any case, he's not here to work with, so all we have is you. The key to this whole thing for you is in your last sentence - "I'm so scared" and "I feel like my life has passed me by" and "I can just never say or do the right things." Before you can conquer this fear, which is sparking your jealousy, you have to start LOVING YOURSELF. Where we women get this all wrong is in feeling that we have to DO GOOD THINGS, and have GOOD THINGS HAPPEN for us in order for us to LOVE OURSELVES. And it's the exact opposite. You have to Love Yourself FIRST, and then good things happen. You have to Love Yourself EVEN IF you don't see any reason too. You have to banish negative thoughts about yourself - instead of calling anything you do "wrong" and what you didn't do "right," call what doesn't WORK a "mistake." Mistakes are part of the plan. Mistakes help us learn. Mistakes are human. Owning your mistakes will FREE you to Love Yourself. So do that now. Loving Yourself will help you in two ways: One, if you are loving yourself, you will be able to see if your "boyfriend" is doing something that is not okay - something like ignoring you, or paying attention to another woman INSTEAD of to you, or in any way making you feel 2nd class instead of First in his life. THAT'S NOT JEALOUSY - THAT'S GOOD BOUNDARIES. Feeling 2nd class is a bad feeling that's a Red Flag warning you - so you can see what's really going on, and whether he's actually a good enough man for you. And Two, Loving Yourself will help you feel stronger inside when he isn't actually doing anything "hurtful" - if other women talk to him, if he dances with the hostess at a party (once), or if an old girlfriend comes up to him (and you can see he's uncomfortable but he doesn't know how to end the conversation and bring you into it - his mistake, but not an on-purpose bad thing). ***Every man has ex-close-women in his life. Ex- wives, girlfriends, the girl who broke his heart in grammar school. Every one of us has history. What has happened in the past is nothing. The only thing that counts is how it FEELS in the PRESENT. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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