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Learn To Stop Being Needy and Build The Confidence and Self Esteem He Loves. |
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If your man is telling you that
you're acting "Needy," and now you're feeling your
confidence just drifting away, you can fix it. You can save your self-esteem and your relationship with it, just by understanding how men respond to your words and body language, and learning how to talk to him - and to YOURSELF - in new ways that will change things around quickly. Go ahead and try out my "Reconnect Your Relationship" CD program (you'll have a full, free 30 days to decide if you want to keep it) and let me know how it works for you. If the Nasty Voice inside your head is getting so loud it's getting the best of you, and you find yourself locked in a struggle just to keep from feeling needy and desperate, I know how frustrating that is. Where you KNOW he's more attracted to you when you're "happy," but you just can't manage to dig up your "happy," and you know it wouldn't work to pretend, and you feel totally stuck. You want to know what to say and what to do when you feel whipped around by so many feelings all at once. And the worst of it is, you blame YOURSELF for your situation, and not knowing what to do, and so your emotions go downhill and you feel even less and less "happy." We all have this Nasty Voice, and sometimes it's merely irritating, and sometimes it's so loud we can't drown it out even with alcohol or sex (and if we try, and then the alcohol and sex is done, the Voice gets even louder). My Nasty Voice used to get in my way. It used to hold me back and hold me down. I was either listening to the nasty lies my nasty Voice was throwing at me, and believing them and feeling bad about myself, or I was using all my wonderful energy to try to STOP listening to them. Either way, that Nasty Voice in my head was running me. It made me want to PROVE myself at every turn. It made me work twice as hard as anyone else to succeed at what I wanted to succeed at - love, school, career, a sport, a game. But whenever I actually did succeed (and my goals were very small, then) it was almost as if I paralyzed myself and couldn't enjoy my success. I immediately started feeling bad, and feeling guilty, and asking myself "What's wrong with me." I threw insults at myself - the worst ones always being - "You're not a good person. You don't deserve this success. You just got lucky at someone else's expense." Sound familiar? Well, you and I are not alone. In fact, EVERYONE goes through this. There's a TV show I often watch called "America's Next Top Model." Aside from learning there's way more to modeling than you'd think, what amazes me about the show is that the contestants are these absolutely GORGEOUS women, who've been chosen from all around the country and already beaten out thousands of other women, and almost all of them have NO SELF-ESTEEM! My mouth just hangs open when I see how so many of them put up fronts of anger, and macho-acting brave, and "smart-mouthed," and being hugely competitive, and you can see right through it. One of the girls this season started out as the "mean" one. She was so angry and nasty and competitive, all the girls hated her. And then, when she got in front of the cameras and had to learn to be "vulnerable" - because modeling, like acting, is ALL ABOUT BEING VULNERABLE so people can CONNECT with you - she instantly fell apart. She became the shyest, most mousy, most down- on-herself girl in the bunch. Her true lack of self-esteem showed up. She turned into a "people- pleaser" and shut herself down. And then something amazing happened. She QUIT. She said she'd discovered she didn't really want this world of competition and modeling the way she'd once thought she did. She saw how much the other girls wanted it, down to their bones, and how hard they were willing to work for it - and so she gave up her spot so another girl could stay on. Since the show was filmed a while ago, she's given interviews since, and what she says is that she'd CREATED that "drama queen" personality on purpose, to get attention during the filming, to get what she "thought" she wanted, and then realized it wasn't working. Only, without that "tough-girl" exterior, she was extremely "nervous" and unhappy on the show, and realized it wasn't where she truly wanted to be. I'm going to call it this way, and relate it to a relationship with a man: She'd worked and schemed and created a "tough- girl" personality to get what she thought she wanted - the way many of us work and scheme to get the man we want - only to find that when she actually saw it - or HIM - up close and for real, it wasn't at all what she wanted. So, to me, this new Vulnerability - once she peeled back the "tough-girl" front she'd been hanging onto for so long, created a huge jump in true self-esteem for her. She walked away from what she didn't want, even though she'd worked so hard to get it. Another girl also tried the "tough-girl" act, but is having a completely different experience. Because they couldn't fix her damaged hair the way they wanted, the "makeover experts" on the show decided to cut all her hair OFF. So she went from long hair to no hair in 5 minutes. They offered her a wig to use, but after an hour, feeling "stripped down" in such a physical way she could see every time she looked in the mirror, she began to embrace herself and her new look and forgot about the wig. She no longer had hair. She was changed on the outside so completely, and she surrendered to it. The choice she made had fantastic results for her. Suddenly she was happy. Her smile became radiant. She worked very hard to improve her modeling skills. She dropped the "tough-girl" thing and started getting along with the other girls on the show. She became a contender. The vulnerability that was forced upon her suddenly made it easier for her to allow herself to be vulnerable in her relationships with everyone on the show, and with the camera. I've seen this happen every season of the show with every girl who has NO real confidence (no matter how much she PRETENDS to be confident). In the process of LEARNING TO BE VULNERABLE as the ONLY way to win the competition, these women GET REAL self-confidence AND self-esteem! It's as if allowing us all to see them as they really are - no makeup, hair pulled pack, no hair at all, VULNERABLE - makes them feel stronger. The show so prizes Vulnerability and Connection that these women voluntarily strip away their defense systems, right in front of us. And they get rewarded for it. It's a Rori Raye process in a very strange environment - a reality show. You can see the same thing on "The Bachelor," though not as clearly. The women who are "cool" never get anywhere with the guy. Every season, each girl at one time or another talks to the bachelor himself about "letting down her guard." Because she can SEE (it becomes obvious very quickly) that HE is ONLY interested in the women who show him their true selves. And as soon as the woman - in front of television cameras for heaven's sake - lets down her guard, she, and we at the same time, can see if she has REAL confidence or if she's just been pretending. And, in the company of all those other women who are ALSO DATING the man she's DATING (try to get your mind around that one), she has to either GET some REAL confidence, or get dropped by him. Because a woman with "Drama" and low self- esteem, no matter how beautiful, smart and funny, pretty much takes herself out of the running. This "Bachelor" is hand-picked and high-end, and you can just see his face "cringe" when a woman acts needy, or over-enthusiastic, or doubts herself. He just loses interest. Right there on the TV screen. I totally have to hand it to every one of those women, in both shows. What those shows require is that a woman take a HUGE chance. She has to strip away her defenses and her pretenses, and drop her guard. She has to speak from her FEELINGS (watch the "Bachelor's" face while a woman talks with him in Feeling Messages). She has to allow herself to be totally vulnerable. AND she has to do it in front of the millions of us watching her. AND she has to do it even though he's dating other women - and she's LIVING with all those other women! Can you imagine? I see these shows as amazingly helpful Tools. If these women can do this (to me it's the absolute height of bravery) then I figure I can, and I know you can, too. If I could train these women beforehand, the first thing I'd do for each of them is hand them my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set. Just listening to it once would raise their self-esteem quickly, and practicing with it would make all the difference in the world. So imagine yourself in a horrifying, threatening, intense situation like one of these competitions, where the goal - the man or the modeling contract - is what you want MOST in the world, and the only way to get it is to be completely VULNERABLE. Imagine that you have to be Vulnerable WITHOUT KNOWING how it's all going to turn out. Imagine that all you can do at any moment is to do your best to be open and Vulnerable, and have a good time. Sounds pretty frightening, doesn't it? And that's what we all do every time we even talk with ANYONE. Every date you go on, you get to practice doing this - opening your heart, being Vulnerable, having a good time, and NOT KNOWING how it's going to turn out! We women are VERY brave. What can help us here is that men are very simple. (Not stupid, but really easy.) They're attracted to us for reasons that are sometimes totally unknown to us. They just FEEL attracted. And that attraction isn't something THEY can describe, either. It can't be about looks - every one of those girls on "The Bachelor" is gorgeous. It can't be about "type" - there must be five women of each "type" in the room. It can't be about brains or personality, or what they do for a living, or anything we could put into a formula. He's attracted because he JUST IS. And then, as he gets deeper into seeing who these women are inside, he feels his attraction either growing, stopping where it was (on perhaps just a physical level), or disappearing altogether. But still, his attraction is NOT UNDER HIS CONTROL. He either feels it or he doesn't. And here's the point, and the Tool, and the way to get what you want. You can't control his attraction, but you CAN INSPIRE it. Because, after all the PRETENDING gets stripped away (if you're doing it the Rori Raye way you are ALWAYS going to allow yourself to be OPEN instead of pretending), the attraction will either get deeper, it'll stay the same, or it'll disappear. And the reasons it might disappear could be anything from actual incompatibility, to seeing new qualities in the other person that don't truly attract you - just like the contestant on America's Next Top Model who quit rather than PRETEND to want something she truly NO LONGER wanted. And this is what you WANT to happen! On some level, the women on "The Bachelor" can take comfort in the fact that, deep down, as much as they WANT this man, he may not be for them. It might not be a match. But they'll NEVER KNOW until they let him see who they are, deep down. How hard is that? Well it sounds like the most dangerous thing on the planet. It means being soft on the outside, completely vulnerable and open, with the chance that you may leave the "show" tomorrow. It means finding a way to be soft on the outside and yet strong on the inside. It means finding a way to be open, and yet have Boundaries. It means TRUSTING yourself to get only as close to the man as you FEEL GOOD about. It means, as Tyra Banks told the scared, nervous, insecure, formerly mean and nasty woman standing in front of her on America's Next Top Model - "You have to Believe In Yourself." Well, that's easy for her to say. It's easy for anyone to say. I remember wanting to hit people who told me that, like I could just DO it. But you CAN do it! |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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