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When He's Not Ready for a Relationship |
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Here's a letter from "Mary," who's struggling with a man who's just told her he feels like they're "friends": Rori, I need some major advice. I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. We go out together, we go to eat, we talk everyday all day while he is at work, but, now all of the sudden he says he looks at us if I was just a friend and not someone to be in a relationship with. So what do I do after putting all this time and effort into him? He knows that I'm in love with him. Thank you, Mary Mary, this is not over yet! This is going to be the most intense learning experience with a man you've ever had, because now you have my Tools to practice with. Please look at this as your opportunity to change your love life - right here, right now. I can hear your pain and frustration, and though I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I know from my own experience and the success of my clients that if you try the Tools you'll feel better. First, Please promise yourself you will never again become exclusive with ANY man until he fully commits to you. That means you date other men up until he proposes. You don't sleep with anyone else, but you go on coffee dates, lunch dates, out for fun, etc. This will keep you sane and feeling balanced. It will keep your self-esteem up, because you will be able to practice RECEIVING attention and affection from other men. You'll be able to Feel Good just by noticing men everywhere being interested in you. The moment you shut the "Flirty" part of you down (let's call that part "Flirty Girl"), your man can feel it. And when he feels that you've shut down that part of you that attracts other men to you, you shift the Energy Exchange between you in a way that pretty much PUSHES HIM AWAY. I know that sounds weird. You'd think he'd be HAPPY that you're now all content with him and focused on him. You'd think he'd feel relaxed now, and able to trust you. But that's just not how it works. Trust comes from a deeper place that has to do with YOUR VULNERABILITY. It has absolutely nothing to do with you shutting your sexy, flirty self down out in the world. So, this is good news! If you've been thinking that he'll trust you more if you shut yourself down out there, you've been making a mistake that you can quickly change - and truly help yourself! What actually happens is this: The moment he becomes your "one and only," without his asking you (and remember - this is important - he has to ask you NOT in a "boyfriend" sort of way, but in a "wedding ring" way), he feels pressured. And as he feels pressured, all your insecurities and old patterns start to fight against your common sense. He almost instantly starts to move backward, away from you. And that kicks in your inner nasty voices and feelings of need and desperation, and so you automatically (if you're anything like I was and like most of us women are instinctively), you feel compelled to move toward him. That looks like Leaning Forward when you're talking to him, paying way too much attention to how he feels and what he's doing, and trying to manage to see him and talk to him as much as possible. And he can FEEL all this. And it just sends him away. It sends him to the Land of "Just Friends." So what you do now is Backtrack. There are so many things to stop doing and to begin doing that will shift the Energy Exchange back to where it needs to be to reconnect with a man once he's made the "friends" speech. You'll find it all in my book and Toolkit - but for now, start with bringing back "Flirty Girl" and opening yourself to all the wonderful men there are out there. Even if you don't feel ready to actually go out with them, just thinking about it, and taking baby steps toward allowing them to talk with you and connect with you, will help you tremendously. Your man will notice the difference in you. This is the absolutely first step in what I call BRIDGING - which is my word for a new way of "dating." Bridging is how you cross the Bridge from an Imaginary Relationship to a Real Relationship. And the first and easiest way to Bridge is to keep all your options open all the time. That means continuing to allow other men to talk with you, get your phone number and email address, and SPEND FUN TIME with you. The reason for keeping your options open and "dating" other men is NOT to protect yourself, or make him jealous, or to find another man. The reason for "dating" other men is for YOU. So you can practice my Tools as much as possible, on real men. So you can learn to have fun, start using Feeling Messages, practice my Sensual Meditation in PUBLIC, and feel more comfortable in your own skin in the presence of men. This practicing with other men will raise your self-esteem and help you so much with the man you're now focused on. And most important - dating other men will take your focus OFF of this man and put it where it belongs - on yourself! The only way to see if this man can switch from friendship to romance is to emotionally walk away. Tell him he's right about the "friends" thing. Agree with him. Step away completely. That means no talking, no lunch, no dinner because you have to DATE OTHER MEN and you don't have so much time in your life for a male friend. My guess is you'll hear from him quickly, He'll be chasing you down. He'll be upset that you're cutting him off. Just be calm and say that you re looking for romance and a real relationship, and being friends with him is making it hard for you to move on, and you'll contact him and be able to be friends later, when you're with a man who wants the kind of relationship you do. Do it with a smile, very casually, no crying, no begging and see what happens. After you've practiced with other men, using my Feeling Messages and the Leanback and Focusing on Yourself and Loving Yourself Tools, you'll be ready to talk with him and see him. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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