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How To Build Self Esteem and Confidence Around Men. |
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Getting rid of jealousy that comes from inside
you, from fear and insecurity and a feeling that
there's just not enough of anything out there in
the world is something we can work on and I can
help you with it. In my "Reconnect Your Relationship" program, CD #5 is all about Loving Yourself, and CD #4 is all about turning your emotions around - from negative, difficult ones to positive, tremendously ATTRACTIVE ones, without pretending everything's okay or working hard to make it "right." Until the program gets to you, for now, try this: STEP BACK big time. That means, don't initiate anything, don't call, don't DO anything. Be sweet and warm when he calls. Right now - this minute - go out and find yourself something meaningful to do. That could look like volunteering locally, going to the art store and getting hobby supplies, taking your camera out and taking beautiful photographs of beautiful things. It could look like getting involved in ANYTHING that will get you out of the house, doing something you enjoy, and where there will be MEN around. Your job is to do what you're doing, enjoy yourself, feel like you're contributing to the well-being of others, and FLIRT. Your job is to raise your self-esteem while you're in the presence of men. This will help you so much the next time you see your man. Love, Rori ***Here's a letter from Gwen, who's fear of being cheated on because of her past relationships is hurting her in a new relationship: Hello Rori, I have been reading your newsletter and enjoy them very much. I have a lot of issues with feeling that every man I date will cheat on me. I was in a relationship for over a year and found out that he not only had a wife but another girlfriend as well. All the red flags were there and I choose to ignore them because I was so in love with him. We had talked about getting married and having a family together. So when I found out about the wife and the other girlfriend I was beyond devastated. Since that relationship ended periodically I will get a call or a letter in the mail from him. It just stirs up all those feelings and I find myself falling for his lines all over again. The problem now is I meet a wonderful awesome guy about 3 months ago. We have hit it off really well and the relationship is moving rather fast. He has already asked me if I would marry him and we have talked about moving in together. The issue I am facing is that I can't trust him as much as I want to. Every time he is away for the weekend (his family lives in another state) or even up at his apartment for the night I am thinking he is with someone else. He has assured me several times that he is not going to hurt me or cheat on me like the guys in my past. He has been cheated on in his past and could never do it to someone else. How can I get past my past and start to trust him without pushing him away? I love him and he is everything I want in a man. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship because I am so afraid that he will hurt me like the others. Please help me! Thank you, Gwen ***Dear Gwen, Sometimes jealousy, like anger can be about covering up our fear of real intimacy. Here you are, about to have everything you've ever wanted, and finding yourself sabotaging it with unfounded jealousy. So, first, we have to deal with FEAR. Fear of being hurt takes a poor second to having everything you want and feeling afraid that you don't DESERVE IT. So let's start with that. You DO deserve love. Lots of it. All you want. And, believe it or not, there's enough love in the world for you to have as much as you want, and for everyone else to have as much as they want, too! You're just going to have to get on board with this philosophy. If you have any kind of religious or spiritual faith, then you might believe that LOVE governs the universe. Even though we've all made mistakes, if we honor love, both the giving of it and the taking of it, then we can SHARE in it. So, go easy on yourself. Stop beating yourself up for your past - where you had no boundaries at all and dumped yourself for a man who meant you no good. This new man sounds like he appreciates and loves you for who you are. Just take it slow. Go as slowly as you need to in order to be comfortable with being loved. Trust yourself. This means, no matter what happened in the past, trust that you will actually SEE red flags this time, and that you can Trust Your Boundaries. Love, Rori ***Here's a letter from Alice, who's suffering with out-of-control jealousy: Hi Rori, my husband has already left me because of jealousy. My jealousy problem is severe and I feel like there is nothing that I can do to make it go away. I am four months pregnant and we have a seven year old son. I don't completely want to lose my husband he is a really great guy and I love him with all of my heart. We talk everyday but every time I talk to him I feel like I drive him away even more without even realizing it until it is already happened? I was wondering if you have any kind of advice that I can follow to get him completely back into my life again and get rid of the jealousy. I feel like these emails and advice are helping me a lot.I just really hope I can get back with my husband so we can enjoy being new parents together. Thank you, Alice ***Dear Alice, I am so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. I don't know any woman who hasn't experienced feeling out of control at least once, and you're going through that now. There are three possible situations you have here: One, if your husband has given you any real cause for jealousy, meaning he actually has been unfaithful or spending time with another woman, then please consider that you're better off without him, even pregnant. Two, if, however, what you say in your letter is true, that you are imagining all these scenarios that are making you jealous, then your first step is to realize that. Or Three, if there's a gray area, and he's giving you cause to be suspicious by hanging out with friends where there are other women, or looking at porn and ignoring you, or actually spending time with other women who happen to be friends, or staying out late and not calling, then you have to make a decision whether to trust him or not, and what kind of behavior - exactly spelled out, is okay with you, and what isn't. And then you have to communicate that to him CLEARLY. So, there's a lot involved in this. In Jealousy, there's anger, fear, disgust, guilt, pain. Jealousy is one of the most uncomfortable feelings you can feel. Even rage feels better. Even pain and depression feels better. Jealousy that is reasonable - meaning your man truly is cheating on you, is your warning flag. Your feelings about even gray area behavior that feel BAD to you have to be listened to. You can't ignore your feelings. If a man is not giving you the attention you deserve, and makes you feel 2nd class, then jealousy isn't what's going on here. What you're feeling is angry that he's treating you this way, and fear that you may have to leave him in order to honor yourself. It has nothing to do with another woman or your chances of losing him to another woman. It has everything to do with him not being a good enough man. The kind of jealousy that is running Alice is often about something that hasn't even happened yet. Something that isn't even real. It's more the fear of it happening. And it's imaginary. We see another woman anywhere near our man - or our man doesn't even have to BE there. We see a woman and IMAGINE things. We imagine that he finds her more attractive. We imagine him wanting to be with her. We imagine ourselves lost and alone. And all this is made up in our brains. Sometimes, we just feel jealous. We had a bad day, we're feeling low, maybe our blood sugar is off or our hormones are going crazy, and some perky, pretty woman comes into the room. Our old feelings of competition come up, our old feelings that we don't deserve the man we have or the man we want come up, and pretty soon we're talking ourselves into fantastical things. Men just aren't all that stupid. A man can tell the difference between being attracted to nearly any woman and being intensely and deeply emotionally attracted to the one woman who feels right on ALL levels to him. If we could talk ourselves out of all that made up BAD stuff, we wouldn't feel jealous. But that won't work. Because trying to talk yourself out of ANY feeling is useless and won't work. Jealousy is part of an emotional cycle of anger and depression and guilt and fear, and the way OUT of that cycle is to let yourself SINK INTO it. I know that sounds difficult and painful and like hard work, but it isn't. In fact, hanging around FIGHTING your feelings is where all the hard work and pain is! In my new program "Reconnect Your Relationship," Disc #4 really teaches you how to quickly - and I mean practically instantly - get yourself out of the cycle in an easy way that's actually fun! And even more than fun - it feels GOOD. It feels empowering. I know it will help you, and look forward to hearing from you how fast and easy it works for you. ***Here's a letter from "Laura," whose relationship has turned around: Dear Rori, Your Tools and advice have helped me so much. You saved me from my relationship ending up like most. Thank you very much, Rori, for ALL your help. My boyfriend Jim and me would not have gotten as far if it wasn't for you. Thank You! Laura If Laura can save her relationship, just from reading and working with my Tools, so can you. Please let me know how the Tools are changing your relationship, too. |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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