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How To Stop Giving More the the Relationship |
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Do you ever feel like you just give and give and give? And he just takes and takes and takes? Like a sponge? And he doesn't even know you're giving and he's taking, so he doesn't even appreciate anything you do for him and anything you give to him and anything you feel for him? Even on a date, it feels like you have to put on your work gloves and roll up your sleeves and get to work if you're going to have a good evening together. Like you're holding up everything, keeping everything going, and putting him first. And in return, it's as though he barely has words for "Thank you," much less "I love you." It wears you down, doesn't it? I remember feeling that just being around a man was "hard work." I'd get this tension around my heart, my shoulders would all of a sudden fly up around my ears and stay there, and I just felt this "tight" feeling all over. I remember feeling exhausted. And then, heartbroken. It was brutal to realize that all the work I was putting into my relationships wasn't doing me any good at all. Not only did the man I wanted not CARE what I was doing or not doing - he didn't even NOTICE. Until I "got" what I was doing that was having absolutely no impact on a man (in fact, what I was doing was clearly pushing him away), I just kept doing the same things over and over again. And getting more and more frustrated and discouraged. When I finally figured it all out and saw even tiny changes happening with my husband, I was thrilled. When everything turned around completely, I was blown away. I could feel the difference in the "energy" between us. I could feel myself relax. I could feel myself not working so hard. And it felt really weird. All those old guilts about being selfish and having to be the one doing things and taking care of things came up from deep inside me. All those old thoughts about not really deserving such a good relationship came up. Every time he looked at me with love at a moment when I didn't think I was at my "best," when I felt out-of-sorts or under-the-weather, or just in a "bad" mood, I felt confused. Even though the relationship turned around practically overnight, it took me a while to catch up inside. And that's why I so want to help you feel stronger inside - now - so you can get into this "great relationship" thing without all the backwards "clean-up" I had to do on myself. So let's talk about how to stop doing all those things that don't work and stop working so hard to "hold up" your relationship. We think that "taking care" of a man and considering his feelings and being attentive and helpful is a GOOD, WOMANLY thing to do. On a very deep level, the level we were taught our whole lives, we think this is the way to a man's heart. And it isn't. We learn to talk about him, we learn to give to him, and we learn to think about him. And we believe that this gives a man the impression that we're strong, giving, loving women. But doing those things gives a man the OPPOSITE impression. It gives him the clear impression that we're "needy." And then all our hard work goes down the tubes. We need to "junk" those needy feelings we all have buried deep inside us, and junk the words, body language and "vibe" we put out that LOOKS to a man like "neediness." How to do this? Here's a new Tool - let's call it: RADIATE LOVE First - let me paint you a picture of the difference between GIVING LOVE and RADIATING LOVE. "Giving" requires Leaning Forward. You can't help it. You have to Lean Forward "energetically," and physically, too, in order to GIVE. Go ahead and try it - wherever you are, standing or sitting, lean forward. Now use your hands - pretend you're taking wonderful, warm, soft and beautiful feelings from your heart and giving it out to a man. And imagine him taking it all in and not giving much back. So let's call this GIVING LOVE. When we give, all kinds of things happen. We look to see that the other person has received what we're giving. We lean forward just noticing where all our giving has landed. We lean forward to see what HE THINKS about what we're giving. We lean forward to hear and just "know" what he FEELS about what we're giving. And if we keep giving, and get not much back, we start to feel like something's wrong (and it is). We start to keep score. We start to RESENT that he's not giving much back. And for some reason - it's just so hard for most of us women to stop ourselves once we get into a "giving" routine - instead of stopping all our giving - we ramp it up a notch. We give MORE. And we can't help it - we start to EXPECT something back. Pretty soon, we're almost "Giving to GET." And "giving to get" is just filled with "neediness." So let's reverse it. Now let's make a switch to RADIATING LOVE. Lean Back, put your hands at your sides, think "soft," and imagine a little light - a warm, beautiful inner light - radiating from your heart. This is the trick that makes radiating love different from giving love: Don't DO anything about it. Just let the little light shine in your heart, let it shine just because it naturally shines (sounds like a song I remember - "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..." - so sing if you feel like singing). If the light in your heart shines out so others can see it, then that's fine, it just does - as long as you're not putting ANY energy into sending it out. As long as you're just letting it flow from your heart and your skin. Don't try to stop it, direct it, show it off, hold it back or send it out. STAY Leaned Back. Take a breath, open your palms. Let the light shine. Don't push it out or help it out. Don't try to let a man know it's there or help him to see it. Even if you're feeling blue, your heart is beating, so just go with that as your inner light. Just let it warm YOU on your inside. Let it shine for YOU. Now forget about it. That's right - just forget about whether or not your light is shining. If you ever start to feel a man go cold or become distant, or something's bothering you, or you want something from him but don't know how to get it, start with radiating love for yourself. When you give, you aim your love. You lean forward and offer it. You use words to show and tell that you're giving love, and body language, too. You are attentive, and alert, and leaning and moving forward. You're moving toward a man. When you radiate, you just let your love warm YOU. You don't talk about it or offer it. Your words say nothing about giving. (Like planning where you should go for dinner, or asking what he wants to do on his birthday, or how is he feeling about work today, or what can you do for him.) When you radiate love, it's an INVITATION. Your body is inviting. Giving love involves offering it. It requires you to Lean Forward. Radiating love requires only that you open your radiant heart so he can get close to it. Giving is Doing. Radiating is Just Being. Giving is Doing the work of offering your sexiness, warmth, loveliness, fire, beauty, goddess nature and compassion. Radiating is Just Being sexy, warm, loving, fiery, beautiful, goddessy and compassionate. Radiating will PULL HIM TOWARD YOU, and Giving will PUSH HIM AWAY. See if you can imagine this little light inside your own heart, and allow it to be an invitation to a man, not an offering. Because when you "offer" your love to a man, what it feels like to him is a "request." And, as we all know, a "request" for love is the bottom line of being "needy." Go ahead and try it. It will calm you, make you feel grounded and centered, and give you (it's great to give to YOURSELF) a beautiful image to hold in your heart whenever you're with a man and feel the urge to Lean Forward and Give. Love, Rori |
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What You’ll Learn From Rori Raye
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