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What to Do if He Wants to Take a Break |
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If the man you want seems to be drifting further and further away, to the point where he's talking about taking a "break" from you and the relationship, and you've tried everything you can to bring him back, then you know that what most of us women have been taught about how to make a man fall in love with us and commit for life just doesn't work. In fact, even your instincts are probably leading you in the wrong direction. It's not your fault. Have you ever found yourself months, maybe years down the road with a man, and suddenly he asks for a "break"? It's like your heart hits the floor. Even if you knew there were problems, and the distance between you felt horrible, you thought you could work it out. You have a history together. There's so much chemistry between you, and you've invested all your energy and love in him and this relationship. And now he's half out the door. I remember the night my "boyfriend" came over, and instead of hugging or kissing me, he sat down in the CHAIR. Not the couch, so I could sit with him, not a chair at the dining table so we could look at each other, but the chair sitting all by itself across from the couch. I remember not knowing what to do. Normally - I'd just try to climb in the chair with him, but I could tell something was wrong. His arms were on the armrests, and he sat upright, not all loose and laid back. I remember feeling so embarrassed standing there, I sat down on the couch. That's when he said something like what Donna's boyfriend said to her, here in this letter: Dear Rori, My boyfriend of 11/2 years and I are taking a break for this month. He said he "doesn't know whether he'd rather be by himself or with me." I don't know what to do. I'm having a hard time dealing with being without him and I'm scared that he won't want to come back. What can I do so he won't want to let me go at the end of this month? Donna My heart goes out to Donna. It's like being out-of-control in a very strange, miserable place - a place where you're not "with" him, but not really "broken up," either. And if you've invested a year-and-a-half into one man, it can feel devastating. It makes us want to do everything we can to bring him back, to show him that whatever has made him want a 'break" can be fixed. If we're worried that we weren't attentive enough to him, we want to step it up and give him even MORE love. If we're worried that it was the sex, and he wants something more, or something different, we want to put on sexy clothes and be seductive. Instinctively, we want to convince him he's making a mistake. We want to show him, and prove to him that we're meant to be together. We want to express how we're really feeling to him, but instead of coming out in words and body language he can hear, and that will draw him closer, our emotions end up as attacks, anger, frustration, and tears that just drive him further away. We try to reasonably "discuss" the problems and come up with ANY solution except "taking a break." We want to know what went wrong and FIX it. We want to talk to his friends to find out what he's really thinking. We want to talk to him about it and work things out. And if you've ever tried doing ANY of these things, you know they don't work. What you might not know is that doing any of these things will actually PUSH HIM even further out of the relationship. What happened? What does he need a "break" for? And why does he keep calling you (because he will) as if he can't let go? Men aren't that difficult to understand, but what they want isn't always what we want, or even what we know how to give. Because MOST of the time, what they want from us is more space from our giving! They want us to STOP giving. They want us to stop talking, stop pressuring, stop trying to get them to understand, stop asking for things. They want us to stop making them feel like they're the center of our worlds. They want us to stop doing anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, criticized, disrespected, or NEEDED as if our lives will fall apart without them. So most of us, even if we can't imagine ourselves actually acting needy, even if we don't consider ourselves to be needy, that's exactly how it looks to a man - NEEDY - if we GIVE him more attention, affection, explanation, direction, help, care, nurturing - ANYTHING - than HE gives to US. He feels crowded and overwhelmed by us - when, for us, being loving and giving to him feels natural and right. And as maddening and frustrating and unfair as this is - it's the way men are. Doing ANYTHING for a man can look to him like we're NEEDY. Doing anything, especially if he's already done some withdrawing, can push a man away. And what woman feels comfortable doing nothing? Hardly any of us. Especially since we've been taught all our lives to make our family the center of our lives and to feed, care for and adore our men. This can be so confusing. If we can't DO anything, what CAN we do to get a man back? What can Donna do to get HER man back and off "break" for good? I'd like to focus here on the one huge mistake Donna made that she mentions in her letter. And that's the mistake of Being Exclusive With A Man Without Commitment. It's very easy to get to months and even years with a man when things are going well, and just assume that marriage will "happen." But that's not the way it works. A man may have NO INTENTION of EVER COMMITTING to you, but he will happily date you or even live with you exclusively for as long as you'll let him. There are many reasons why he may not be ready for a commitment, or why he won't commit to YOU, but there's a way to make sure you never get caught, like Donna did, a year-and-a-half down the road with a man who feels he can just "take a break." And one of the most crucial, important, most self-esteem saving ways to make sure it never happens is to say "No" to becoming exclusive (except sexually - this is important) until there's a real, solid, public, talked-about, marriage-planned (if that's what you want) COMMITMENT. This usually means an engagement ring and notifying the family. Because NO MAN HAS ANY RIGHT TO TAKE UP ALL YOUR TIME IF HE'S NOT WILLING TO COMMIT TO YOU. This is true - plain and simple. If this seems unreasonable, look at it from a man's point of view: Every man KNOWS this is true. He KNOWS he has to commit to you for you to close down all your other options. He KNOWS he has no right to have you all to himself without a commitment. He knows. And because of the way we women have all been taught and trained - we DON'T know this. But now we do. So, let's look at Donna's situation in this new, true way. I'll start by asking - What are some of the things that happen if we close down our options and see a man exclusively before he's made a real commitment? One, we get a little crazy. All our fears and insecurities kick in, because we've put so many of our emotional eggs into his one basket. And two - HE STARTS TO THINK LESS OF US! Really. Think about it. If he KNOWS he needs to commit to you in order to claim you all to himself, and that if he doesn't commit to you, he'll eventually lose you - what do you suppose he thinks if you just, all on your own, decide to devote yourself exclusively to him? Even if you think you have a good excuse, like you're so busy, you don't have time to date, it just "feels" wrong...? He thinks you're "easy." And not "easy" in the sexual way, but easy as in "cheap." Or "Not Expensive." In other words, he got you for nothing. There really is no middle ground here. Even if you're sleeping with, and practically living with a man (because he's always at your house, please - not the other way around - more about that later), you can still date other men. You don't have to feel guilty about it, because there's nothing to be guilty for! Until a man figures out what he wants, and then decides he wants YOU, and completely "gets" that if he doesn't move forward in the relationship he will LOSE YOU, he has no business keeping you all to himself. As strange and weird and uncomfortable and not-what-you're-used-to it feels to date a lot of men all at the same time (especially if you really like and are SLEEPING with one of them), it's the RIGHT THING TO DO. It's the right thing for you. It's the right thing for him. And it's the right thing for the relationship so it can blossom and grow into something REAL. So why don't we all just naturally do it this way? Because dating many men all at the same time brings up so many of our old feelings of fear, anger and guilt - along with all the wonderful NEW things we'll experience, like fun, feeling stronger and more powerful too. And because it's so difficult - almost impossible - to find support from our friends, or anyone we know, for doing relationships this way. That's why I want to be here for you while you're adventuring and experimenting with dating many men at once. And this is not just for if you're "between" relationships. Dating other men while you are IN a relationship - like Donna (if there's no serious commitment for the future) will HELP your relationship! And if, like Donna, there's a problem or he wants to "take a break," you can, without even missing a beat, have a date with a good man that very day! I hope Donna does just this - it's her best chance of raising her self-esteem, getting clear on what she wants, and bringing her man back even closer than before. Note to Donna: When he does come back - and he will - DO NOT give up dating all those other men! Dating men is not just for if you're "single" and "not in a relationship." That's what "Bridging" is all about, and why it works. Dating and Bridging is about practicing my Tools, raising your self-esteem, and keeping your options open by relating - one-on-one - with men. Even if you're seeing a man you're crazy about, if you're feeling insecure, and there's no serious talk about a real commitment (we're talking for the long term forever), then you should be Bridging with other men. It will help you feel stronger and less at the mercy of the man you're involved with. ***Here's a wonderful success story from Terri: Dear Rori, I just want to thank you - It's wonderful being so "imperfect" and finding that you started here, too! I have continued to date "others" instead of being exclusively with my "boyfriend," and the resulting confidence, glow in my aura, and sense of empowerment and being true to my own heart is overwhelming. It is a new feeling, and comes from a new place of standing in new boundaries that protect the things nearest and dearest to my heart, marriage and a joyful partnership. Thank you, Terri If Terri can do this (and because I've read earlier letters from her, I know exactly where she started from) - I KNOW you can do it! Let me know how it goes. |
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