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The Lack of Communication Can Kill a Relationship. Learn to Bridge the Communication Gap in Your Relationship and Communicate What You Want To Your Man. |
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***Here's a letter from "Laurie," who's just
getting to that point in a relationship where she
wants to KNOW where it's going, and using her
letter, I'll lay out some real steps you can
take... "Dear Rori, Thank you for all your great advice. I have been dating a wonderful, and very dear guy for 4 months, taking your advice from day one. Leaning back, listening and letting him do the work. He plans, he calls, he makes arrangements... sometimes it simply feels too easy... I start to feel guilty... but he always calls and makes our dates so special. We are both very busy and respect our limited time together and apart. Our relationship has mostly been steady weekend time, I would love to see that expand but it is difficult with our schedules and commitments. My difficulty and his too, I believe, lies in communicating the feeling part. We have not had any in-depth conversations about what we are feeling, where we are going, we just 'are' and it has been nothing but wonderful when we 'are' together. This weekend we spent 2 days with his friends at their lake house celebrating a 50th birthday. We had a great time... with his friends as well as alone together, we cycled and ran together this morning (we both train for triathlons). I guess I am waiting for him to broach the 'I Feel' conversation... I have been letting him lead the relationship... and have been only been joyful and made to feel respected and cared for with his lead. I call him (in secret) Prince Joe...as he still opens the car door and does other little endearing things that men in my past have always stopped doing after the first month of dating. I think my question to you is how do I initiate this 'I feel' conversation. I do not want to come off making him feel like I want or need an answer to that cliche question of where are we? But I would like to communicate what I want, see, hope for in our relationship. He is very precious and I do not want to put any pressure on him. Thanks for your insight, Laurie" Laurie seems to be doing everything that works, and at 4 months, she's at that tricky place where things become "real." The problem for her is NOT HIM, or the way he's behaving, because he's doing great. Her confusion and stress is being caused by her (and we ALL do this) NEED to have some clarity and closure at this early place in the relationship. If she could just relax and go with the flow and keep the Rori Raye Mantra going inside herself, I have no doubt she'll have the outcome she wants here. So here's a Tool that will help bring her relationship - and yours, too, if you're finding yourself in a similar place right now - to a much deeper place, faster: Let's call it - THE SLIDE OUT. This is all about being Strong On The Inside and Soft On The Outside. The STRONG PART is about self-esteem, loving yourself first, and getting the attitude I got in a flash of light with my almost-Jesuit-priest boyfriend. This attitude means you realize YOU have a CHOICE. You're NOT stuck! You realize HE has to fit himself into YOUR dream. He has to QUALIFY himself by being ready to be in a grown-up relationship with you. The SOFT PART is all about feeling your feelings and expressing them - not waiting for HIM to express feelings. With ONE difference... Laurie wants to have a conversation about feelings in the RELATIONSHIP. And that won't work. The moment you start talking about how you feel about HIM, you lose. You lose the one thing that keeps the energy dynamic between you where it needs to be. He has to KNOW how HE feels about you - and he can only know that if he KNOWS, for a FACT, that YOU DON'T NEED HIM. In other words, he has to know that if he doesn't move quickly, he'll lose. It's the old "You snooze, you lose" thing. If he snoozes, he'll lose you. At 4 months, he's just starting to get that into his consciousness. So, at 4 months, you CAN'T hand yourself OVER to him! As soon as you hand yourself over to him, he'll keep on snoozing. And then he'll lose interest. A woman he can HAVE, no questions asked, is a woman he's not sure he WANTS. So Feeling Messages are YOURS, not his. They have to do with how you FEEL - about the food, the weather, the movie, the house, the day, his family, the trees and animals. They have to do about how you FEEL about your life, and what you don't feel good about, and what feels great about your dreams for your future. Feeling messages are NOT about how you feel about HIM. At least NOT until he tells YOU first. ***My Feeling Messages Tool is one of the most important relationship skills you will EVER discover. Learning how to speak from your heart in a way that WORKS with men will blow you away with how powerfully and how fast it gets results, and you can get help to learn EXACTLY how to do it in all of my materials. If you don't have my ebook "Have The Relationship You Want" yet - start there to get a basic understanding of what a Feeling Message is and why and how it works - you can get it here: Link to have The Relationship You Want eBook My "Reconnect your Relationship CDs will then take you farther into how to do it, with scenarios, situations, EXACT explanations and the right WORDS to use. You can try it out here: Link to Reconnect product A man HAS to take the lead in driving the relationship forward. What YOU must do is take the lead in driving your own LIFE forward. This is NOT about you asking HIM what HE'S feeling. This isn't about you expressing what you'd like in this relationship - more time, more affection, more commitment. Asking for stuff just absolutely won't work. You are dating. And you're dating for only 4 months. Things are just getting started. You aren't exclusive - so please don't think or act like you are. In order to be exclusive, and on a marriage track, he has to ASK YOU! Unless he asks you for exclusivity (except for sex - exclusivity here is absolutely required!) you are "dating." And dating is a wait-and-see testing period. It takes 4 months just to see what happens, sometimes longer. And - this is the time for you to talk about what you DON'T want. If you're dating other men (as I recommend) you don't even have to talk with him about it. You can just fill up your schedule and he'll have to fight to get some time with you. If you don't feel comfortable with dating other men at this point, and are tired of dating yourself (I hope you've seriously done that), you'll want to go for a heart-to-heart conversation. Try something along the lines of: "I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I'm looking to walk off into the sunset with someone - What do you think?" Or, ask him What does he see for your relationship? Or, Is there anything you should know? Instead of asking him for what you want, you're asking him to clue you in on where he's at. And in order to ask that you have to be where I was with my almost-Jesuit-priest boyfriend. Not just ready to leave if he doesn't want what you want - and with YOU, but... Ready to give it the time it takes, but NOT exclusively, until he knows what he wants. In other words, you don't focus your energy on what happens with him. You believe, with your whole heart - and I'm here to tell you this is true - that the right, qualified man who will love you forever is out there looking for you, and the man you may love now might not be him. And instead of focusing all your attention on making this man who's right in front of you Mr. Right - spread your wings and let Mr. Right show up. As soon as you get that attitude into your heart, body and mind, the man right in front of you will sit up and take notice. And he'll either qualify himself or he won't Either way - the choice is yours to take him as he is, or leave him as he is. I'm here to help you get comfortable with that choice. So no more looking at men as though they're Gods of your heart. Look at men as possible pieces of your dream. Then - let THEM figure out how to fit themselves to YOU. The Feeling Messages will help you tremendously. You start small. You start saying how the weather feels to you. And the movie, and the food. You say it feels good to be with him. DO NOT ASK HIM HOW HE FEELS. Instead, imagine yourself SLIDING OUT and AWAY from Focusing on the outcome of this "Relationship." Keep the point of view that until a man presents you with your dream of a solid, real, committed, relationship, your heart will ALWAYS, still belong to you alone. Do not let a man CAPTURE your heart until he's qualified himself by wanting to fit into YOUR dream. He's not your dream man until he really is. Until then, keep sliding out of the trap of an Imaginary Relationship. It will make the hugest difference in the way he looks at you, treats you, and FEELS about you. A man who qualifies himself will actively CLAIM you - especially if you give him reason to think he could lose you if he doesn't. (that's the value of dating other men at the same time - or at least dating Yourself.) Try this Tool, and let me know how it works for you. Here's a success story! "Rori....Thank you so much for everything because your advice is awesome....I also have the "Reconnect" program....and I just wanted to let you know that for the first time in my life I'm actually "setting boundaries" in the relationship that I am in and it is AMAZING.....Thank you, Jana, Feeling Strong." If "Jana" can see results this quickly, and find her strength inside by setting boundaries for the first time in her life - so can you! It's not as hard as we think it is - it's just a different WAY of seeing things and doing and saying things. You can learn everything you need to know to stop a man from withdrawing, get his attention and big-time attraction, and keep yourself steadily moving toward the relationship you really want in my new "Reconnect Your Relationship" CD program. You'll learn EXACTLY what's going on in your unique situation, and how to use words and body language to turn things around so HE'LL be the one trying to get closer and closer to YOU, instead of the way things are going now. I know it will help you, and I can't wait to hear about your success story, so if you'd like to let me know how "Reconnect" is working for you, I'd love to read your letter. Just write to me at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. Email me, too, if you have a question or a problem you're having that I can answer in an eletter. Though I may not be able to write back one-on- one to you, I WILL ABSOLUTELY, PERSONALLY READ YOUR LETTER! I love to stay up late reading what you've written to me, and if I can't answer personally, I will answer in this eletter instead. (If you don't want me to use your letter, please let me know - otherwise I'll change all the names and cities and go ahead.) It will help me write a truly helpful answer much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format: 1. One or two paragraphs, please, and 2. Get as specific as you can - the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation. Please feel free to forward these e-letters to a friend - and let her know she can get in touch with me and start receiving her own letters by going to www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com So this is about Feeling Messages. If you have the book, work on the Sensual Meditation and the Feeling Messages chapters, then listen to me walking you through more and more scenarios of Feeling Messages on my Heart Connection Toolkit CD set. |
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