By Rori Raye
It’s a painful place to be – where you are with a guy who sends you mixed signals, or is less committed to you than you feel to him. He wants you around, but he doesn’t always treat you well – or maybe he even treats you like you don’t exist sometimes. How do you tell if he actually likes you or if he just wants a fling?
You’ve found yourself racking your brain trying to figure out how to get this man’s attention, and clarity about where he stands with you.
He seems to have so much going on in his life - it’s like you’re an afterthought to him.
He acts like he really likes you when he’s with you, but when he’s not, he forgets all about you.
It’s incredibly frustrating.
It’s hard not to believe he’s into you when he’s all over you, but then he doesn’t call for a week and you go nuts.
Well, I was the queen of that sort of thing.
Looking back, I’m not even sure they were into me when they were with me. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I wasn’t making it up because I wanted them to be into me.
And if I’m being really honest, I’m pretty sure I never really believed ANY man could be REALLY into me.
I thought they were with me because of sex, or because I was so undemanding, understanding and working so hard to keep them there.
One night I found myself in a booth in a coffee shop sitting next to the man I was crazy about for the whole year I’d been with him.
In the booth with us, sitting opposite him, was a woman we both worked with in a theater group. She wasn’t prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier, thinner or anything else than me - just different.
I remember sitting there watching – I really did actually just sit there and watch them flirt with each other until I got so sick to my stomach I had to leave.
Until I actually got up and went back into the theater where I was rehearsing (just to get out of the coffee shop), I remember curling up to him in that booth with the red plastic seats, and touching him.
I remember the choice I made to completely not even notice them flirting, until I couldn’t avoid it. I remember how absolutely brazen the whole thing was. And me just sitting there. It took me a while in my life, but I was never again such a doormat.
Maybe not as in-your-face as this one was for me (I hope you’ve never had to go through that), but something sort of underground?
A feeling you had?
Just sort of not feeling right?
Or good about yourself?
After that awful night, and the breakup conversation we had over the phone later, after midnight, I remember that I didn’t even cry.
I felt humiliated, but at the same time I was relieved. It was as though it was finally over, and I was glad. I’d somehow put myself through a year of pretending I was in a relationship, when, now it all seemed so clear, I really wasn’t.
And I looked back to our very first date, and saw clear as a bell all the red flags that were right in my face. Red flags I never wanted to see. He was still hung up on his ex-wife. She was actually still in his life. He was always doing things for her. He was there for her. He talked about her.
I even remember him actually SAYING to me that we weren’t going anywhere as a couple. That we were friends. Or whatever he might’ve said. I even remember other things that I’m almost too embarrassed to tell you about other women in the picture.
It’s really easy for me - even now! - to get mad at myself for everything I did that wasn’t good for me way back then.
But I know - with my whole being - that running myself down for what I did in the past (even just yesterday or 5 minutes ago) ISN’T GOOD FOR ME NOW! And so, every moment of my life, I focus on MAKING MYSELF HAPPY.
And the amazing thing about this is, as soon as I stopped running myself down and started making myself happy – I attracted my husband.
And my husband is a man who wanted - and still wants, every day - to MAKE ME HAPPY!
The difference between my husband and that man in the booth is night and day.
The guy in the booth was just like a long-term fling – he didn’t truly want to be with me – he could take or leave me, it made no difference to him.
I’d have to say that the man in the booth was more my fantasy movie-star vision with particular-looking grayish hair and a kind of coldness to him (though my husband is actually more handsome and adorable).
The man in the booth was always financially strapped and kind of boyish, where my husband took me to a nice restaurant and clever places for dates right off.
But the real difference was all about ME.
With the man in the booth, I was always on edge, on tenterhooks. I was always worried, wondering, and caught up somehow. With my husband, I was relaxed, leaning back, and happy.
You’d think that would be simple, but it took me years and years to get there. It took me years and years to just give a man like my husband a chance. Because what the man in the booth wanted was for me to make HIM happy. And what my husband wanted was to make ME happy!
And, all those years ago, I was so busy running myself down and trying to make men happy, I couldn’t even ALLOW a man to make me happy. I’d pretty much turn any man who wanted to make me happy down flat.
If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’ll almost automatically be attracted to and attract a man who doesn’t feel good about himself, either – and so he will be incapable of loving YOU.
If you don’t have self-esteem, you won’t have what I call a High Degree of Difficulty. That’s when a man perceives that you honor and respect yourself, and you know what you will or will not tolerate. When I sat in that booth with the man I was dating, watching him flirt, I didn’t have a High Degree of Difficulty. My Degree of Difficulty was ZERO.
No matter how much you do or how sweet and sexy you are, and how many things you do and say the “right way,” you will never change your relationship until you start to change the way you feel about yourself.
And it’s actually EASY! You can instantly raise your Degree of Difficulty if you know the difference between being a “girlfriend” like I was, and being a “diva” and knowing your worth.
You CAN have the love of a man who will worship at your feet and treat you the way my husband treated me when we first met.
You just have to know HOW - what is the secret to dating, mating and relating like a "Diva"? What steps do you take? How does it work?
The magic thing here is - what makes a good man happy is to make US happy!
That sounds simple, too, but when was the last time you let a man make you happy? When was the last time you let a man keep you exclusively, but not see you or call you often enough to make it a real relationship?
If you’re in a situation like that right now, there are lots of real things you can do to turn this around.
Let’s talk about STOPPING what won’t make you happy.
I can hear her pain and frustration, and I want to answer it right here:
Q. “Dear Rori,
I met a man a few months ago. It started out as a sexual relationship but since then has become less sexual and more??? We talk online at least 3-4 hours per week, sometimes he will message me sometimes I will message him.
He has talked about previous relationships that ended badly for him, he has talked about his non-existent relationship with his father (who left when he was 4 and he has only had contact a few times in the last 30+ yrs) and he has talked about his poor relationship with his mother.
I decided I had enough and started to pull away, but he keeps coming back, and the last time we were actually together in person he made an aside about wanting to be kept. When I asked if it was by someone specific he stayed silent. He does that a lot, he will allude to taking the relationship in a different direction, then won’t follow up or will be silent when he is asked questions. Am I fighting a losing battle? Thanks, Sandra”
This man sounds a lot like my man in that booth many years ago.
Focused on his own happiness, his own needs, his poor relationships with his mother and father, and his desire to be “kept” pretty much says it all: He doesn’t want to do ANYTHING to improve his own life, or ANYTHING to make YOU happy.
Those of us who find ourselves attracted to this kind of man (almost all of us – isn’t it just so unfair?), also find ourselves DOING for the man, and for ourselves, what HE should be doing.
When you walked away, and he showed up again - that’s the big clue. That’s the proof that what I’m talking about works – it works with every man.
Pretending to be hard to get doesn’t work, because PRETENDING ANYTHING NEVER WORKS But actually BEING hard to get by staying focused on making yourself happy draws men to you.
Because the absolute truth is, good men like to make their women happy. Period. They do.
They like to give presents, they like to pick you up, they like to call you, they like to be faithful to you, and they like the way it feels when you feel good about yourself when you’re with them. They like the way it feels when you let them know you feel good. It makes them feel like men (if they ARE actual men, and not little boys) and it MAKES THEM HAPPY.
And if that’s true with all and any real man, then you will have YOUR PICK of men! That means:
For you, Sandra, please date other men, and date yourself.
Get yourself out there, practice my Tools non-stop, 24/7 on everyone you know and meet, and you’ll see: If you focus on making yourself happy, a real man will show up who wants to make you happy, too - so HE can be happy!
You can say goodbye to dating little boys who need to be ‘kept’. Goodbye to flings and uncomfortable and painful ‘situationships’ – GOODBYE FOREVER. Just like I did when I finally figured it out, and met my husband of over 20 years!
I want to share more Tools with you so you can permanently shift out of these painful dating experiences and into a “Diva” life - where men are chomping at the bit to make YOU happy.
You will have the pick of the litter.
Can you imagine?!
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
I share new Tools to help you filter out the little boys and welcome amazing men who are wanting a relationship and commitment (yes – so many men also want this!)
No more “is this a fling?” “does he like me?” “why isn’t he calling?” or “why won’t he commit?” You’ll have men chasing you like the prize you are, and treating you in the way you deserve!
You won’t have to wonder “does he like me?” You’ll be absolutely certain of it, and you will have to decide if YOU like HIM.
When you sign up for my FREE newsletter, you’ll also learn…
I know what I shared here, and what I share in my Newsletter will help you find a man that wants more than just a fling – because it’s what worked for me, and it’s what works for thousands of women I’ve coached and supported over the years.
I can’t wait for you to be the next success story I share!!