By Rori Raye
If he was passionate yesterday, and now he wants just to be “friends,” I know how you feel. It’s the worst feeling, dealing with commitment phobic men!
I had a man I’d been seeing for about a month - who seemed totally over the moon about me in every way, and who’d been a “friend” and co-worker before we started dating - sit in a chair across the room from me in my home, and tell me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore.
And then, of course, when I agreed to being “just friends,” he almost immediately changed his mind. I knew he was just scared. I knew he thought he was in over his head. I knew he cared for me but just didn’t think he was ready for any kind of commitment. But… knowing all that didn’t make me feel any better.
In the space of a month, I’d gone from being a “goddess-like” woman he’d always thought was “out-of-reach” and “out-of-his-league” (he told me that himself) - to a powerless, insecure woman who felt at his mercy.
Because - deep down - I felt “not enough,” and he just tapped right into that and grabbed all the power in the relationship. It took me years and years to figure out how this was always happening to me - how I’d give up my power in the relationship and let the man run my emotions. And then it took me more years to stop that from happening ever again.
From the moment I was able to figure out what I needed to do and not do to really take care of myself, that’s when the great men started to show up, and my great husband not only showed up - he stepped up.
The difference between my husband - who never, for one moment, gave me the feeling that he wasn’t sure he wanted me (I was always sure he wanted me) - and so many other men, was my sense of my own power. It wasn’t ever really about the man’s fear of commitment.
Here’s a letter from Nancy, who’s enduring a situation you may have experienced - where a romance stops being a romance and turns into a “friendship,” and you don’t know what to do to get the sex and attraction back:
Q. "Dear Rori, I enjoyed your book and your website! Thanks! I wanted to see if you could help me figure out a little thing that’s come up with the guy I’ve been seeing. After 4 intensely romantic months, I got the “I’m not ready for a relationship” speech this past August.
He said he wanted to stay close and intimate friends, though, and I made a choice to stay friends with him because his dad died last year in January, his mother died the year before, and he’s leaving his job next month.
I don’t think I’m being a doormat by saying that’s a bit much for someone and also know I’ll benefit by focusing more on myself anyway. He calls and emails me every day still. We see each other a couple times a week. He talks about trips he’d like to treat me to. It’s like we’re still together except no “you know what” and I don’t stay at his place on weekends.
His birthday is soon, and he’s invited me, as a friend (ugh). It’s going to be in Virginia to celebrate at the house his mother lived in, and it’s the last time he’ll be there because it’s just been sold. The buyer is moving in the following week. When someone is going through the death of their parents, selling their house and changing jobs - how can I be supportive without being unfair to myself?
I did gently tell him a couple weeks ago that I was maintaining this level of closeness in the hopes that we could rekindle our romance at some point, so I’m not lying to him and saying “sure, I’d love to just be your buddy!” Should I go to Virginia or any other trip as a “friend” or should I tell him "thanks for the generous offers, but I’d like to wait and travel with you when we’re a couple again"? Thanks so much! Nancy"
A.Nancy - I know there isn’t one of us women who hasn’t fallen for this.
And I don’t say “fallen” as though the man is trying to pull a fast one on us. Often, he’s a good guy who just doesn’t want to let you go because you’re such a cool person, and which of us wouldn’t want to be around someone who loves us - in a no-strings-attached way?
But we’re falling for the idea that the way to turn this around is to go along with the “friend” idea. And that never works.
You might often find yourself with the same kind of man, one after the other, who feels good to you and yet he just can’t do HIS part of the job of being in a relationship.
My Toxic Men program specifically helps you stop attracting men who keep hurting you, betraying you, or using you.
You’ve got to stop feeling attracted to a man you know isn’t making you feel great about yourself, but you just can’t help wanting him, right?
In Nancy’s case, she probably could tell you that this man she’s “friends” with isn’t really a good thing for her right now.
He makes her feel unsure of herself, and he reminds her of all the bad feelings he brought up in her every time they see each other, I’m willing to bet.
When a man rejects you, and you’re still hanging out and being “friends,” when in fact you still have very real feelings for him, you’re actually subjecting yourself to hurt and pain as long as you continue to allow him to be just your “friend.”
Here are a couple of scenarios for how this could go:
1. A man would like to have sex with you but chooses not to because he’s having sexual problems and performance anxiety.
That’s pretty common, isn’t it? And we think the way to get past that would be to be “understanding” and “patient,” but that’s not it at all. The totally unfortunate thing about a man having sexual issues is that if we’ve been exclusively involved with him, he most likely associates his difficulties with us. That’s pretty disturbing to consider, isn’t it?
And yet - what if I’m right, here? That would mean that his own issues about his sexuality turn you into a “friend” only, and then he goes looking for a woman who can be simply an “object of desire.”
You come fully loaded as a complete package, and that has way too much energy and commitment around it for a man who fears he can’t "perform."
Going to a prostitute and paying for sex is the least scary thing a man can do. There’s no chance of a relationship there. That leaves any woman who is “relationship material” out in the cold.
And you can “understand” that as much as you like. It won’t help. A man believes that if he’s not functioning properly, he’d function better with another woman with whom he is not emotionally involved in any way. So, a man whose sexuality is not functioning the way he wants it to won’t feel comfortable even with “friends with benefits.”
Even if he finds you attractive, it won’t be attractive enough.
2. Something’s “off” for him in the relationship.
Perhaps he senses you Leaning Forward, and it feels like pressure to him. Perhaps he gets a feeling that you’re needy, or desperate, or clingy, or are focusing your whole life and attention and energy on him, and that just makes him want to run.
He may want to keep you around, because you’re so cool and because you love him so much - who wouldn’t want that? - but he wants to run from the “relationship.” And that means running away from “sex,” too - because he knows what sex means to you. He knows that, for you, sex means relationship. Friends, though, that is fine.
And if you tell him that “friends” is fine, he’ll start to think he can just add in some “benefits” - and that it will still be fine. It will - for him. But not for you.
If we go along with the hope that “being friends” will turn him back on, turn us into an object of desire, or at least make him feel safe enough to work through his “issues,” we usually end up with an even worse scenario: The worst.
…Is where he turns off sexually to you for any reason (he’s worried about “performing,” he’s “not ready” for a relationship, he feels pressured by you, he feels scared, or you’ve been Leaning Forward and something is off for him, he feels like running away, he feels crowded - whatever reason) and then, almost on a whim, he turns back on again (just enough to have sex with you) and then he turns back off again.
What can turn him back on in this case is how easy we are. If we suddenly get really easy, and we seem to drop our wanting of a relationship and he feels we’ve made “peace” with “just being friends” - that’s when he’ll turn back on again for quick, easy, no-strings-attached sex. And, guess what? It doesn’t mean anything to him.
There’s no way on this planet (perhaps this universe) that a man can turn back on to a woman he’s turned off of just because she has sex with him. Once we’ve agreed to “sport sex,” that’s the way it is.
We’re like “one of the boys.” We’re a “sex buddy.” And then we have to pretend it was all okay (because we did say it was okay to be “friends” - so we have to stick with that story). And that feels worse than awful. That feels like being a disposable tissue. And from that we can never recover the romance.
Stop the friendship. And… turn yourself into an “Object of Desire.” You may not want to do that. It may feel like too much work.
Here’s where my Modern Siren program, and the whole idea of being a “Siren,” comes in - becoming an object of desire actually removes all the effort. It takes away all the work. It turns you and your life into something amazing and desirable that every man has to work for!
Can you see how this “turn-around” is in your own idea of yourself? That instead of you trying to get him to be sexual and romantic - you turn yourself and your own life into romance. That means you cut off all effort instantly, you go immediately into Circular Dating and Dating Yourself - and you let him take care of his own problems.
You let him take care of his sexual issues and his commitment issues, and his fear, and everything else that could possibly be getting in his way.
And when he figures his own self out, then he’ll look over at you having this amazing, fun life, and do everything in his power to get you back again. You let him find you. And by then, you may have met another - way better - man. By then, you’ll have a choice. He won’t be the only game in town.
(If you’re married, there are ways to do this exact same thing without leaving him and without actually dating other men… and we’ll talk about that in another letter.)
So, Nancy. This is not the advice you want to hear, and yet it’s the advice that serves you, and gives you the best chance of getting what you want. Don’t go anywhere with this man as a friend.
(And, of course, once you’re platonic friends and he’s sure you’re okay with that, he might introduce sex - as “friends,” of course.) There’s just no way you’re going to be able to turn this romantic just by being in Virginia with him. I’ve seen this happen over and over again - and if you go, you’ll only be making it easier for him to keep you as a friend.
Here’s the scenario you want:
I want you to start Circular Dating - right now, this moment. You deserve the whole package - and romantic love all begins with feeling desired. A man who does not desire you is worthless as a romantic partner. A good friend, maybe, down the line. But as a romantic partner - worthless.
So, forget about this man. Fill up your dance card so much you don’t have time to take his phone calls or have coffee with him. Don’t “dump” him, just crowd him out. Put him on hold.
Just go focus on yourself and your own life. I wouldn’t even hold on to the idea of having a solid, good friendship with him later - because you’re going to have your own man. You’re going to have your very own, devoted-to-you, always-wanting-to-touch-you, loving and lovable man.
And he’s not going to want you to be “friends” with some other guy. Just date. Go where a great man can find you. I know this is tough - I know it’s hard-line. And I want you to have what you really want.
All of it! Not just the “hope” that things will turn around if you only do “this.” The time now is to not do anything about, around, or with this guy. The time is now to open your heart to the man who’s looking for you.
I’ve 100% been where you’re at, and it’s beyond awful. And, I also know you can 100% be where I’m at now!
Over 20 years of blissful marriage with an incredible man who loves me endlessly.
I want to share more of the Tools I’ve created over the years with you - Tools that WORK. Tools that help you attract a man who will treat you like the Goddess you are for the rest of your life… not just in the heady early-dating phase or even the honeymoon phase of marriage.
It’s about finding a man who will make a lifelong commitment to making you gloriously happy, and I’ll give you the Tools to inspire him every step of the way!
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter I share many more Tools to help you attract the man of your dreams.
You’ll also learn…
I know it feels so awful, trying to go out with other men when you’re “hung up” on the one you’re seeing. But, the guy who just wants to be ‘friends’, or is afraid of commitment is NOT the man for you.
I promise you, it will pay off in all kinds of ways you can hardly imagine. Imaginary relationships will be things of the past. Your heart will stay OPEN, and yet it will stay with YOU until a man demonstrates he’s ready to give you HIS.