By Rori Raye
Have you ever found yourself WAITING around for a man?
Waiting for him to call, waiting for him to say he loves you, waiting for him to book you up on a Saturday night, waiting for a lifetime commitment?
If you’ve ever felt desperate at that moment, absolutely helpless, you’re not alone. Some of us have waited evenings, watching television and hoping a man would call. Some of us have waited years for the engagement ring to show up.
You wonder if he’s even wanting to fully commit, or maybe he’s afraid of commitment?
So, how long is too long to wait for a commitment from a man?
In the relationships I had that lasted more than a few dates or a few months, I remember waiting more than a year, only to learn there was no “real” relationship to begin with.
I remember hearing a man say things like “I’m not ready,” and just ignoring the words I was hearing.
I don’t much want to remember the nights when he never called, the weekends when I knew he was with “old friends” who I was sure were women he’d once been with.
I don’t want to remember wondering why exactly I was waiting for him, but I do. I remember pushing those doubts and thoughts right out of my head. I remember feeling so tied to him emotionally, sexually, chemically and every other way that I made excuses for him.
And I remember that I wasn’t the only one I knew waiting around for a man. I remember my close girlfriend waiting two years for a man she was with. I remember another girlfriend waiting eight years.
None of us got those men we were waiting for, but later, all of us found good men and married them easily, without ever waiting for them at all!
On the other hand, I have a friend who stayed with her man for 5 years before he proposed. She got her man, and she’s very happy.
So what makes the difference?
How do you know whether to wait and hope or leave and start fresh?
I have been in a relationship for over 7 yrs. and have read many books, but it’s your book that has helped me the most. I have been trying to get my boyfriend to move ahead some in our relationship.
I am committed to this man and this relationship, but at times I feel he is the one who has one foot in and one foot out. I have been slowly adding in your tools, and I have seen a change and your tools have worked for me. The Leanback works great and worked right away.
But, I’m wanting a full commitment from him, and I’m unsure how to go about it. We have talked in the past but I feel I am the only one who wants it, I am the only one pushing for it, so I have been working with your tools to change how I approach all this.
Is there a faster way to a commitment? And if so, what can I work on to get him to move forward in our relationship? Please help me - 7 yrs is a long time! Jennie”
A. Dear Jennie,
You don’t say whether you are living together, or if marriage has ever come up. So I’ll answer this in general terms.
Relationships move forward. They move along down the road - from dating to exclusivity, to engagement, to marriage. If they don’t move forward, they stall.
At seven years, you are stalled. My guess is, he doesn’t want to lose you. But the question I have for you is - if he can’t or won’t commit, will you leave?
Before you can speak from your heart at all, before you can even talk about commitment with him, you have to at least be able to talk to yourself about it.
You don’t have to leave, but you have to BE WILLING AND ABLE TO. And then, you have not just one choice, or two - but you have many, many choices. All of a sudden, you can MAKE choices. You’ll stop feeling helpless and desperate and angry, and start feeling powerful. Which you are. Very powerful.
This is what my friend who stayed with her man 5 years before he proposed was able to do. She was able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.
She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation.
He just, finally, realized he wanted to love a woman and be loved by a woman, and he finally realized that it was her. He always knew it was her - he just needed to take his time.
She never got angry. She never got suspicious or distrustful. Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.
And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.
You can do it, too. Even if you’ve felt, or you’re feeling now, helpless because you love him, you can do this. We’re talking here about the Rori Raye Third Way - and how you can stay in a relationship as long as you’re able to leave!
The answer to that is in your feelings.
It’s about what you want and how what he’s offering fits into what you want. It’s about making a choice to be at the mercy of one man, or to have your choice of men.
It’s about making a choice to put your life on hold and “wait” for him as long as he wants you to, or to take your life in your own hands and “date” him for as long as YOU want.
Because, one thing’s for sure: When you’re “waiting,” the choice you’re making is to NOT make a choice. Your choice is to give up your choices.
When you “wait,” you’re letting HIM choose how YOUR life goes. You’re putting your life in HIS hands. You’re saying you have no options but to wait.
And it’s not his fault:
I used to blame my “boyfriend” for “leading me on.” But it wasn’t his fault.
He might have been taking advantage of my “waiting,” but he didn’t even see it as taking advantage. He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was. He wasn’t about to take responsibility for my feelings.
“After all,” he thought, “she’s a grown-up.”
And after all, he wasn’t out-and-out lying to me. He thought I was waiting because I wanted to wait. But that wasn’t what it felt like to me. To me, I never saw that I had a choice.
Like you’re at the mercy of your feelings for him, and then at the mercy of your feelings of helplessness and anger?
And it just doesn’t have to be that way. Just looking at a man’s point of view - doesn’t it make you want to scream at him - "Can’t you see I’m sick of waiting for you?"
Even though we know he’d just stare at us, puzzled. "What?" he’d say. “I told you I wasn’t ready - this was YOUR decision,” he’d say.
And all we can do is stare back. We know he’s right. And we hate him for it. And we still don’t know what to do.
“Give him time,” is what everybody says to us. Friends, family.
And some say “Dump him right now.” And it sounds like good advice, but how do we just… leave? After all the time we’ve invested?
The weird thing is, sometimes we get totally invested right off. Even after just a date or two.
Ever happen to you? When you know instantly that “he’s” the one? And then we just hang on, convinced that we can convince him to know it, too?
The thing is, men often DO know when they’ve met their “one.” (Even though it’s often hard for us to tell by the way they act and talk, and sometimes it scares us off just to think it might be true.)
And that’s just one more reason why “waiting” is such a bad idea. If we just hang around, waiting when a man is stalled - he just loses interest in us, bit by bit, day by day.
How can that be?
It’s so unfair, because we’re TAUGHT to be patient. We’re taught to be understanding. We’re taught to know that men need “time” and “space.”
When, really, giving a man “time” and “space” while we “wait patiently” for him is like shoving him out the door. It’s like putting a sign around our neck that says: “I’m waiting for YOU.”
We close down our hearts to all other men. We spend our time thinking about HIM. We WAIT.
The problem with waiting is not what it does to him - though it affects him about as negatively as anything we can possibly do.
The problem is what it does to US.
Waiting says to the world: My life is on hold for this man.
It says to the world: I don’t think much of myself, I have nothing worthwhile to do, there are no men who are interested in me besides this one, so I’m waiting for HIM.
And what that looks like to the world, and to HIM, is a lack of self-esteem. It looks like insecurity and neediness.
So - how do you wait a reasonable length of time for a man to make up his mind about you without looking like you’re waiting?
The simple answer is: You don’t wait.
Okay - is it shocking to you, this idea of never waiting for a man? Does it seem impossible? Does it seem hard to figure out?
When you’re first trying anything, it feels a bit strange. Changing anything about the way you think or speak will feel strange at first. But, it’s not hard.
And once you try it, you’ll feel so much stronger and you’ll get such stunning results with the man you want, it’ll feel easier than anything you’ve ever done before.
So, if you aren’t waiting…
How do you stay with the relationship in case it actually does go somewhere?
There’s a way to do it. There’s a way to let a man know you’re looking for a commitment and still give him time to commit, without waiting.
Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? But it’s not.
Because waiting isn’t about time, it’s about what you DO with that time.
“Waiting” is putting your life on hold. But, letting a man take as much time as he wants to make a decision about what he wants in the relationship doesn’t have to be about putting your life on hold!
How do you handle it when a man really does need more "time"? First - here are some things to NOT do:
Don’t PRETEND you’re busy, unavailable or that you don’t care. Pretending will work completely the OPPOSITE of how you want it to work.
Instead, you have to BE busy and unavailable. And you have to CARE. And the person you have to care about most is YOU. This means, you care how you live your life. You care if you have fun or not.
You care if dates get broken, if he doesn’t get to you in time for a weekend date, or takes you for granted.
And you care that if you open your heart to him, he treats it very, very well.
To do this, use my Tools:
Basically, that you will never put your life on hold for any man, and that you are not a woman who “waits.”
You are a woman who LIVES!
Here’s a letter from Pamela, that shows how easily you can turn things around…
“Rori, I have been dating my current boyfriend for many years now, and last year we had a terrible breakup. We have since tried to work things out… and after being frustrated a few weeks into trying it again (seemed like the same problems reared their ugly heads again!) I downloaded your book.
I think I remember reading on your website to give it 10 weeks, so I set that deadline for myself to be patient and try it out. Since then, things have gone along so wonderfully!
We have recommitted ourselves to each other. Our conversations are much more simple and direct and we actually address the real issue at hand. (After reading your book, I realized I NEVER EVER would address the actual issue).
He has said to me that since a few weeks ago, I seem to have myself so much more together, and that I seem like I respect myself so much more.
Getting out of HIS head and focusing on how I actually feel has done amazing things for me and for our relationship. This is by far the most adult relationship we have had in the many years that we have been together.
Being present and in the moment, as well as the Leanback tool and the Overfunctioning chapter have helped me see the ways I needed to change how I was acting to allow him the room to come to me. Otherwise I would be rowing the boat forever, and that was not something I wanted to do!
I have so much faith now in myself and in “us”… it’s amazing to know that after dating someone for so long, the relationship can still grow and change so much! And it’s truly empowering to know that you can change yourself for the better in a few simple and easy steps.
Thank you so much for all of your words of guidance, Pamela”
If Pamela can make such a dramatic change in just a short time - so dramatic that her man actually NOTICED it - so can you!
And just like Pamela, Jennie, myself and my girlfriends - we finally realized that it was never about the guy having a fear of commitment.
It was deeper than that, and much more personal - and actually much simpler to ‘fix’ - because it’s within our own power!
Focusing on YOU - that you’re happy, fulfilled, loving your own life - is what will pull a guy in to commit (or have guys fall away that just aren’t ready.)
It just takes a little guidance and practice.
If you want more expert support, tips and practices, I invite you to sign up for my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter. In this newsletter I regularly share tools that WORK… and success story after success story from women JUST LIKE YOU who have figured it out.
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
When you sign up, you’ll also learn…
I hope you’ll start practicing these tools I shared here TODAY! And I want to hear how they work for you - I actually want YOU to be the next success story I share. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you!