By Rori Raye
Are you worried that your husband is cheating?
Or worse… do you know that he is?
First and foremost, this is a terrible question to have to ask yourself.
Infidelity is one of the most feared and awful things to ever happen in a relationship.
I’ve been there. Before I met my husband, I had several boyfriends who suddenly had to “work late” and were much much less available to me (emotionally and physically).
I couldn’t trust them, and I felt completely insecure and uncertain… all the time.
I started looking for “signs” that he was or was not cheating.
I questioned myself, and him, all of the time. But I knew in my heart what was happening, and it left me with an awful, gut wrenching decision.
Do I stay with him, or do I leave?
That’s what my client, Emma (her name has been changed) wanted to know when she confirmed her husband was cheating on her:
Q. “Dear Rori,
Two years ago I discovered my husband was cheating. As I dug into his hidden secrets I discovered he was having affairs with several women at once.
He never admitted the truth until I confronted him with hard evidence that I found along the way. Even with evidence in front of him he would try to lie and explain it away at times. It took one year before there was no evidence of contact on his part. One of the women who lives far away still leaves “messages” by leaving voicemails playing "their song". What am I to make of that?
He says it doesn’t matter because he is not contacting her. Whenever I am feeling insecure I start asking him for a detailed account of his whereabouts. He will tell me, but it angers him. He says he doesn’t like to be accused of lying. A verbal fight is the end result.
We have been in counseling for over a year. We do not make permanent changes in behaviors to make this work. Do we call it quits? We have three children.
He says he loves me and wants to stay married, however his own ego stands in the way of change. He says he is stubborn and will change when I do. I am not sure I love him enough to change. Is it possible to feel love again for someone that hurts me?
A. Dear Emma,
I’ve worked with many women trying to put their marriages back together after all kinds of disloyalties ” including affairs with other women.
Here’s the deal – for some of us women, sexual and emotional loyalty isn’t the most important thing. Some of us care more about security (if he has money, for instance, and can take care of us) or about the excitement (if he’s a very thrilling sort of man).
If you know about Halle Berry’s story, she stayed with a man who was regularly cheating on her. They called it a sex “addiction.”
If you can imagine Halle Berry – a woman many people think of as the most beautiful woman in the world – putting up with her husband having sex with other women, then you can see how challenging even something like this can be for all of us women.
Everyone has their own reasons for staying with an unfaithful man. Some of these reasons have to do with low self-esteem.
If your self esteem is low and you make a man more important than you, you are basically rolling out the red carpet for a man to, at best, take you for granted and, at worst, completely disrespect you. And it really doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside – look at Halle Berry!
The good news is that raising your self-esteem is completely within your power. And, once you feel beautiful on the inside, you’re sending out the signal that a man has no choice but to treat you like the goddess that you are.
In fact, this is EXACTLY what a man really wants – to be with a woman who truly values herself.
It’s easy to say where a woman “should” come down on this issue of whether to stick with a man who’s been unfaithful – but I say it has to do with how YOU, as the woman, FEELS.
If what you love about the man is more important than sexual loyalty, then your choice would be to work it out. As long as it actually FEELS okay to you, then it’s okay. If, however, it hurts like hell, then there would be no reason for staying.
Marriage isn’t about rules; it’s about love, connection, and feelings. It’s about feeling better WITH a man than without him. It’s not about feeling bad WITH HIM and so scared without him that you feel bad.
You have to be able to make a choice from a place of high self-esteem. For most of us women, finally getting high self-esteem would lead us out the door.
It seems to me that you might LIKE to be with your husband, but you’re holding onto so much anger and resentment, you’re not making that re-connection possible.
If you decide to forgive and continue on (forgetting is out of the question – don’t even try), then you must also decide to start fresh.
And – although it sounds awful – your husband is right in this.
If you want this marriage to work – or if you even just want to be able to see it clearly enough to make a real decision – instead of letting it drift on in this terrible state, then YOU DO have to be the one to change.
Even though HE was the one who did these awful things, if you really want this marriage to work, then you have to figure out the dynamics between you that caused it to happen in the first place.
Once you’ve worked on yourself, you’ll be able to see if he’s just a toxic man you’re well rid of, or if you’ve been somehow contributing to how this has gone down.
If, however, you’ve already decided he’s worth holding onto, then you have to absolutely STOP accusing him, talking about his infidelities, being suspicious, jealous, curious – anything that has to do with HIM. And:
And he’ll either chase after you and want to do what he has to do to keep you, or he won’t.
I can guarantee you that continuing to act from anger will NOT make him want to be with you. This is true in any relationship with a man, from the first date to the last breath you take together.
A man is there with us because he wants to be, and for no other reason. So insisting that he toe the line and do ANYTHING you ask him to do – even if it’s for the good of your marriage – will get you nowhere.
Emma, focus on YOU. If you cannot smile and be happy around him, then perhaps you have your answer – perhaps you don’t really want to be with him.
Just know – you can’t have it both ways. If you want him, then use my Tools to change your thinking, change your words, and change your life.
I’ll teach you how to do this (and much, much more!) in my FREE Attraction Secrets newsletter.
I’ll show you how to shift your vibe so that your man will actually WORK HARD to connect with you, so that you’re not constantly struggling to connect with him.
This newsletter is more than helping you deal with cheating husbands. It’s about becoming so irresistibly in love with YOURSELF, and your gorgeous, irresistible, unstoppable feminine energy that, once you learn how to channel it, will magically transform your love life into everything you’ve ever wanted.
Plus, I’ll teach you:
You’ll get the help you need with step-by-step how-to’s so you can bring your relationship back from this awful place and make it STRONGER than it was before… but only if you decide you want to be with him and make this work.
If you don’t want him, then don’t waste your time beating yourself up or trying to get your anger out by participating in fights or arguments.
Instead, figure out a good financial and emotional plan for yourself to leave him – and do it.
Remember, continuing to destroy the marriage will not get you the marriage. It will get you OUT of the marriage. If I were in this situation, that’s where I’d want to be… OUT.
But that’s me. You must make your own decision.
Whatever you decide, I know you can improve your situation and have the life and love you want and deserve – with or without this particular man.
I can guarantee that there’s a huge world out there for you – go get it!!!