By Rori Raye
How do you heal a broken heart?
Do you spend months (or years - ugh!) wondering what went wrong?
Do you analyze your every move, sentence and decision leading up to the break up?
Do you find a guy to quickly replace the one you lost, so you can forget all about the heartache?
Chances are, you’ve done one or more of these things in the past. You wouldn’t be alone.
But here’s the thing: none of these approaches work. In fact, all of them lead to one common result: Another just-as-devastating broken heart with your next relationship.
Do you really want to go through all of this heartbreak just to go through it again??
Do you really want another relationship to fail? Do you want this painful cycle to continue to repeat for years?
If not, then you need to know this:
How you heal a broken heart doesn’t happen by avoiding the pain and impulsively jumping into bed with a guy of questionable taste, or holding onto the heavy, painful heartache as a self-flagellating reminder of the lost love, or by overthinking and overanalyzing yourself into a pit of depressive exhaustion.
I’ve done all these things too… way more times than I can count. But then I found a better way: a way that will put you back in control of your love life, and attract amazing, high quality men that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Whether you’re feeling “tied” to a man who’s giving you bread crumbs for love, or your man has cheated on you or betrayed you, or even if you’ve made the hard decision to end a failing relationship, heartbreak is never fun - plain and simple.
Most of us will do almost anything we can to avoid the pain of feeling heartbreak (even staying in a dead relationship for too long!)
But that is actually exactly where you need to be - feeling your own emotions.
Not ignoring them. Or pretending they aren’t there. Or judging them as wrong. Or trying to avoid them until you find yourself at the bottom of a pint of ice cream.
You need to feel them, and let them flow through you.
So, right now take a moment and feel your own heart. What’s there?
What emotions and sensations are you feeling?
If you’re feeling sadness and grief over the loss of the guy you loved, the hopes of an ever-lasting relationship - let yourself feel that sadness and grief fully.
If you’re feeling angry about feeling betrayed, rejected, abandoned, or about putting up with mistreatment from a jerk - let yourself feel angry!
If you’re feeling afraid about what the future holds for you - let yourself feel that fear.
As painful, messy, uncomfortable, complex, confusing or devastating as it feels, you gotta feel what’s TRUE for YOU.
Be real with yourself, and be real with those around you - don’t pretend it’s all ok when it’s not. And don’t feel guilty if you’re not as devastated as you ‘think’ you ‘should’ be. Just FEEL what’s really there for you.
Don’t go into a big story about what could’ve been, or should’ve happened, or what-ifs or so on, and don’t go running into a stranger’s arms for distracting comfort.
By allowing yourself to feel it, fully and deeply, you are also allowing the feelings to move through you, so you avoid the dangerous flipside of this coin: wallowing.
Just as you don’t want to avoid your emotions, you don’t want to cling onto them either - you want to let them flow, naturally and honestly.
When we women have our hearts broken, we tend to do one thing: we obsess over him.
We wonder why he broke up with us. We second guess our actions. We try to come up with a way to “win” him back.
But here’s the thing: love is not about any one man. I know it feels like it is, but it isn’t. Love is about loving and being loved. Feeling love coming into you, and feeling love going out of you. Flowing through you.
The man you were exchanging love with is only PART of the exchange. Some men can exchange love better than others, and often a man can be more able to exchange love if YOU are.
But in order to be able to exchange love, you have to be able to love YOURSELF first - full out, totally, completely, no-holds-barred, no conditions - you have to love ALL of YOU. And then a good, solid, caring man can feel safe and accepted and be his best self with you.
So let’s say you’re going through a breakup where you still feel in love with the guy (maybe he was even a real jerk at times) - but it wasn’t a mutual breakup. And there’s some part of you that is convinced that if you only make him see how amazing you are, he will want you back, and he will stop being a jerk.
You obsess, thinking of ways to impress him, show him your best self, how much sexier you can be, how much more adventurous, more caring, more loving, more more more…
You try to convince him he shouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place.
But here’s the thing: this totally doesn’t work. A man doesn’t fall in love with a woman because of what she will do for him, or how she changed herself to get him back.
A man falls in love with a woman who is in touch with her own wants and needs, and is unafraid to express all of her feelings and desires (even the messy ones).
It’s about how confident, comfortable and empowered you are in yourself - in your own feminine power.
And this means being totally real about yourself - especially about how you FEEL.
Many women get trapped in this unhealthy kind of cycle, where they focus so much on the guy, they are actually ignoring their own emotions.
These women (and I used to be one myself!) are actually just as emotionally unavailable and emotionally manipulative as the unhealthy and unavailable men they attract!
Yep - when you are doing everything you can to keep a guy - staying nice, sweet, kind, saying all the ‘right’ things etc - you are actually manipulating the situation. You’re not being real.
And this will attract the wrong kind of guys, and it will destroy an otherwise good relationship.
Every moment you spend focusing on him, you are actually ignoring what you’re truly feeling inside. You’re not being real with yourself.
When you aren’t real with yourself and your feelings, you are preventing him from connecting with the real you. And you are missing out on an opportunity to see if he will honor and care for you and your needs.
You want a man who will treat you like the goddess you are. Who will care when you are upset or hurt or sad. Who will love and appreciate the real you… even the messy parts.
That means getting in touch with how you feel - even the icky feelings that you hate and would rather avoid or hide.
You’ve gotta stop hiding when you feel anxious, or sad, or nervous, or angry…
This can be scary at first. If you’re not used to letting people see the more vulnerable side of you, it will feel scary. Being honest about your uncomfortable emotions is very vulnerable - but that is the very thing that makes a man feel safe with you.
When it feels scary or hard, it’s a great place to start. Why? Because these are the feelings a lot of women try to hide, in hopes that they appear ‘perfect’, put together or good enough to a prospective guy.
But a high-quality man will smell this lack of authenticity from a mile away!
When you start opening up and being honest about how you feel, share how scary it feels.
When you start showing up in this way, men will sense your realness.
And the men who are unable or unwilling to be real themselves, will probably be intimidated by you! (And this is a good thing. A man who doesn’t want you to be real, or can’t be real himself, is NOT someone who will be a good partner to you).
The kind of man you want to be with is looking for a woman who is comfortable with herself, and her vulnerability. He will be so ridiculously attracted to you, you’ll be wishing you had figured this out sooner.
But remember, even when you start learning to really commit to yourself fully, it’s NOT about the guy.
It’s about YOU.
So, get your mind off the man, or the loss of all the wonderful things about the relationship, or whatever you’re focused on right now. The relationship ended for a reason - and surely some very valid reasons. If he ended it, take an honest look at the parts that weren’t working for you either.
This means, letting yourself feel hurt, or angry, because you realize that he was just being who he is, and you’re most likely feeling hurt and angry because YOU had expectations and desires he didn’t fulfill.
Yes, he may be a jerk for not fulfilling your wishes and making you happy - but this isn’t about HIM, remember… It’s about YOU. You can’t make him into a better person by forcing him, or crying, or convincing, or any reasonable or dramatic means.
You can only hope to inspire him to be a better person by focusing on getting your needs fulfilled WITHOUT relying on HIM. You can only inspire him to be a better man by becoming so irresistibly desirable and magnetic yourself.
You do that by loving yourself and standing by yourself and also getting out there and dating and discovering what your real needs and real feelings are and getting them taken care of.
When you’re real about how you feel, the great guy will just be magnetized to you. It’s a lot easier than most women make it out to be!
Learning how to embrace your whole range of emotions and your feminine power is foundational in healing your heartbreak, because once you do this, you are evaluating men completely differently, and men are treating you like the goddess you are!
All it takes is a few simple shifts in your energy, your words and body language to completely transform the way you connect with men, and I can teach you how to do this in my free love and relationship newsletter.
When you subscribe to my FREE newsletter, I’ll show you a different approach to dating that never lets you get hung up on one man and that actually works to attract the right man to you quickly – and the best part is it requires less of the kind of things that scream “chasing” and “neediness” to him and instead feel attractive and magnetic.
Heartache is never fun. And none of us want to go through it. But you can see this as an opportunity to change how you’ve been showing up with men, and get a much much different response.
Suddenly, you are the one with all the power. So go put it to use to attract a great man who will appreciate the prize that you are!