By Rori Raye
If you’re feeling emotionally and physically “tied” to a man who’s not loving you the way you deserve to be loved, I know how that feels.
Maybe your man is seeing another woman, or you suspect he is cheating on you, but he keeps coming around and telling you he “loves” you or “misses” you and you tolerate the situation… I know how painful that can feel!
There’s not much worse than a guy you’ve committed to, running around behind your back (or not-so-behind-your-back), making a fool of you and breaking your heart.
How do you recover and heal a broken heart after this happens?
And I know, too, that you’re probably getting all kinds of advice about what to do from your friends and family.
And, if you’re like I was, most of the advice is either so harsh it feels terrible and you can’t even imagine doing what they say - or they advise you to be a “doormat” and keep waiting for things to get better.
But here’s the good news: there’s another way.
Sometimes I call this my Rori Raye Third Way… and it’s really about taking a completely DIFFERENT track to getting the love, affection - everything you want in a great relationship - and easily, quickly, and in a way that feels GOOD.
Here’s a letter from Ingrid, who’s in a horrible situation that we can use to work out this “Third Way” for you…
I really appreciated the email today about boundaries. THIS is exactly what I’m struggling with at the moment, being separated from my husband who’s been “seeing” his favorite stripper again, same time as last year, when we were separated the first time because of it.
The Sunday before last he told me he “wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her for the rest of his life yet”… then last week, he said she dumped him. Now all of a sudden he’s been saying he’s getting ready to move back home, and been hanging around the house a lot, coming over, fixing food, bringing movies to watch with our 15 year-old son, etc.
I’m thinking OK, maybe he’s realized what a jerk he’s been, then when he leaves, I feel violated, hurt, like NO boundaries were in place. He has not been repentant AT ALL.
I feel NO trust AT ALL. I feel like only because she called it off with him, does he want to move home. It’s got to be a better reason than that, even though he says he misses me and our family. I’m confused. Do you have any advice?
Okay, Ingrid’s in an extreme situation.
Just the word “stripper” is enough to make it extreme, and yet, if you read the news, Ingrid’s situation is, likely, actually incredibly common.
So, I’d like to use Ingrid’s situation to talk about boundaries, self-esteem, and how to deal with a man who feels ENTITLED to your company because of children, or how long you’ve been together, or because you’ve agreed to be friends with him - and in a NEW way.
First, I’ll talk straight to Ingrid, and then I’ll show you how to use my Tools for your own situation - no matter how hopeless you may feel right now.
Ingrid, because you have a child together, you understandably feel way more pressure to reconcile with this man and rebuild a relationship with him than you would otherwise.
And because you have a child together, you HAVE to build a “friendship” with him. You have to at least have a polite, kind and working friendship with him for the sake of your son.
But this has absolutely nothing to do with a romantic relationship of any kind!
Most people you talk with might be giving you advice you might be getting that feels harsh and difficult:
I can tell you flat out that this man is USING you - because he’s “between women” - and to institute a policy of NO CONTACT.
This means there is to be no “friends,” no “hanging out,” no telephone conversations, no emails, no texts, no contact. That you are done with a man who has not demonstrated that he wants YOU.
They’d say things like:
“This man has demonstrated over and over and over again that you are not the important woman in his life! There is no question that he does not really care about you. Or for you.
There is another woman. And this other woman has your man tied up. You are being used by him. You are a comfortable place to lay his head, you are a comfortable place to be because it feels like family to him. He knows that you are in love with him and so he feels good around you. Why wouldn’t he want to be in your home with you and his son? But what good does this do you? NONE!”
Okay, enough of that! The last thing any of us needs is to be berated - we beat ourselves up plenty already - and what I want to give you instead is a LIFT, a way to deal with this kind of heartbreaking situation that will give you more OPTIONS.
Let’s go with this different way, so that, whatever situation you may be in right now, you’ll feel better, automatically have better boundaries just by following what feels good, and get much better results with ANY man:
This means - take the focus off of HIM, and put it squarely on yourself.
Love is not about any one man. I know it feels like it is, but it isn’t. Love is about loving and being loved. Feeling love coming into you, and feeling love going out of you.
The man you are exchanging love with is only PART of the exchange. Some men can exchange love better than others, and often, a man can be more able to exchange love if YOU are.
In order to be able to exchange love, you have to be able to love YOURSELF - full out, totally, completely, no-holds-barred, no `conditions - you have to love ALL of YOU. And then a man can feel safe and accepted and be his best self with you.
The thing is, YOU have to go FIRST. And this is not about being “nicer” to HIM - it’s about being nicer to YOU!
It’s about healing your own heart.
So, get your mind off whatever man you’re focused on right now. For Ingrid, he’s the father of her child. For you, it might be wonderful memories of the good moments he’s capable of - and that’s enough for now.
This means, when you feel hurt or angry, you realize that he’s just being who he is, and you’re most likely feeling hurt and angry because YOU have expectations and desires he is not fulfilling.
Yes, he may be a jerk for not fulfilling your wishes and making you happy - but this isn’t about HIM, remember… it’s about YOU. You can’t make him into a better person by forcing him, or crying, or convincing, or any reasonable or dramatic means.
You can only make him into a better person by focusing on getting your needs fulfilled WITHOUT relying on HIM. You can only make him into a better man by becoming so irresistibly desirable and magnetic yourself.
You do that by loving yourself and standing by yourself and getting out there and Circular Dating and discovering what your real needs and `real feelings are and getting them taken care of.
It’s simple for me to give you this advice - and trust me, it absolutely works!
But, it’s not always so easy to put into practice - especially if you’re dealing with something more complicated like Ingrid is. She’s got a kid involved, and many years of history with her guy.
So it takes a little practice and support to make the new, Third Way, feel natural.
This is where having more solid and consistent support makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I provide tools, tips and practices on how to heal from a broken heart, get the REAL consistency and commitment from your man - or to know when to walk away.
When you subscribe, you’ll be getting these regular tips that are so simple to put into practice - and that’s the best way to start - simple, small, doable!
Before you know it, you’ll realize how you, your man and your relationship has done a complete 180!
When you subscribe and receive my next email, please also let me know how you’re doing with the Third Way!
I’m here for you - you’re not alone. I’ve been where you are, and I know you’ve got this!