By Rori Raye
Have you recently started dating a guy that you seem to be falling head-over-heels for, but you’re unsure if the feeling is mutual?
Maybe you’re just a few, or even dozens of dates in. You two obviously enjoy hanging out, doing all kinds of fun activities together. You feel alive, sexy, smitten… but maybe also a bit anxious or nervous, “I’m really falling for this guy, but how do I tell for sure if he loves me too?”
Or even perhaps, you’re already in a committed relationship but you and your guy seem to be past the exciting and intoxicating hormone-infused honeymoon phase. Now you two seem to be in a bit of a dull routine, and you’re asking yourself things like, “Is this the right relationship?”…“Is he actually the right guy for me?” … or “Does he still love me?”
Have you worked yourself into a frenzy, obsessing about what he’s feeling and thinking? Traveling deeper down the rabbit hole, trying to figure out the answers…
Maybe that’s even how you ended up on this page.
I remember feeling this way often, back when I was dating, before I met my wonderful husband of 25+ years. It can be emotionally excruciating. I’ve embarrassed and humiliated myself more times than I can count – taking breadcrumbs as love and anxiously obsessing over whether a guy loved me or not.
However you got here, I’ve got plenty of real-life, from-the-trenches wisdom to share with you about how to get the clarity you need in your relationship!
Part of the problem is…
That’s right. You’ve got to stop wondering, “how do I tell if he loves me?”
I know, I know – this is the reason you’re here.
But let me share something fascinating about how our minds work…
When we ask ourselves a question, whether it’s conscious or unconscious, our minds WILL come up with answers.
And the answers your mind comes up with are not always helpful. In fact, often they are quite harmful, and can actually put us further into a tailspin of obsession, preoccupation and anxiety.
The type of questions you ask yourself MATTERS.
Allow me to illustrate this for you…
Some possible answers from your mind to the question: “How do I tell if he loves me?”
“Well, he spends a lot of time with me. He buys me my favorite roses. He makes me feel special. We have amazing, deep conversations. We have cosmic sex! He looks at me that way. But he also doesn’t always answer my texts. He spends a lot of time drinking with his buddies after work. I think he’s dating someone else too. What if he loves her and he’s just using me? No… when he kisses me, I KNOW he loves me. But he hasn’t said it yet! How do I tell what he’s feeling for me?!”
And so on… your thoughts spin, spiral and run rampant, searching for THE answer to your question.
It’s the wrong kind of question to be asking yourself.
Let me illustrate a contrasting example…
A different question: “What do I need to get clear on in order to know whether this is still working for me or not?”
Some possible answers: “I need to better understand what his intentions are long term. I need to feel more trust and safety when we’re apart for this to work for me. I need to know if our values align. I need to express my boundaries around his lateness to so many of our dates and how it makes me feel unimportant. I need to feel fulfilled and secure for this to work for me. ”
Can you feel the difference in these two kinds of questions?
And can you feel the difference in the kinds of answers that will arise from either question?
Hopefully it’s palpable to you.
The first question is open-ended and it’s focused on him.
The second one has direction and it’s focused on YOU.
Yeah, easier said than done Rori!
Yes, it can take a little work to change your focus, but I promise it’s not as hard as you might think – that doubt and skepticism is just your head talking… not your heart. And hearing what’s true in your heart is what really matters here!
You’ve got to reduce the importance of this guy in your life – even if he’s THE most important thing, I don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY important thing. This is a crucial distinction to understand!
Stop revolving your life around him.
I KNOW this sounds like the worst thing to do – as if I’m asking you to stop caring about him and loving him.
But being caring & loving are not the same as revolving around him.
Even if he means the world to you, he is not YOUR world. You do not orbit him.
While you’ve been so focused on trying to figure out how he feels about you, chances are you’ve lost touch with some very important parts of you.
Parts that actually attracted your guy to you in the first place.
Don’t stress though, we’ve all been there. It’s part of the learning process for so many of us!
When you keep so focused on him & lose touch with parts of yourself, it can make you feel small, anxious, worried. You’re constantly seeking validation more and more from him… and never getting quite enough of the validation you’re craving, so you spiral deeper into feeling even more anxious and preoccupied.
In fact, the deeper you go down that anxious & worried rabbit hole, you are actually energetically pushing your guy away.
Let’s look again at the example I gave above; the second question is directive (meaning it’ll more likely lead you to specific answers rather than a never-ending rabbit hole of inquiry), AND it’s focused on YOU.
It is also focused on how YOU FEEL or how you need/want to feel – in this case, “clear”.
Isn’t that really the feeling we’re all looking for underneath the question “how do I tell if he loves me?”
We want clarity. This clarity usually has an agenda attached that we need to remove – such as clarity and confirmation that he absolutely, unequivocally loves you and only you – but clarity nonetheless. There will generally be other primary feelings we need in our relationships too – fulfillment, safety, trust, etc.
So going with this example, if the truth underneath it all, is that you need clarity – your job is to focus back on the things that you CLEARLY KNOW fulfill you.
It could be anything.
Dancing. Painting. Singing. Volunteering at your church. Spending time in nature. Hiking. Building your business. Writing poetry. Going out with your girlfriends for a wild and fun-filled night. Going to the comedy club. A live concert. Visiting your grandparents. Karaoke. Lawn bowling. Outdoor goat yoga.
Whatever those things are for you…
Simply switching back into these deeply fulfilling habits can be a total game-changer in your world of dating & relationships.
It works. You won’t be the only woman it doesn’t work for. No matter how unusual you believe you are, no matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel right at this moment, it will work.
But let’s actually dive a little deeper… and dissect the rest of my second example question, “What do I need to get clear on in order to know whether this is still working for me or not?”
Once you start focusing on how you are feeling, what makes you feel fulfilled and the activities that make you enjoy your own life – your guy will naturally be more drawn to you!
We keep our men always moving toward us by reducing their importance in our lives.
The thing is, healthy, masculine men actually find it incredibly refreshing when a woman shows up who really KNOWS herself and is TRUE to who she is – when she puts herself first and isn’t concerned with doing everything’right’ to keep her guy.
The more you feel clear about who you are as a woman, the more deeply you know what’s important to you, express what you are truly feeling (no more sugar coating or playing the’good’ girl!), and speak your honest mind… the more you will become an irresistible magnet for men.
(Just a note here: When you become this irresistible, you’ll likely attract many men you don’t want in your inner orbit! This is where you also get to be super clear in yourself, what kind of man you desire as your partner.)
When you prioritize yourself again, your guy will…
This is a breath of fresh air for men – while he’s been emotionally drowning in a sea of women with unspoken expectations, desperation, anxiety, worry, preoccupation, obsession… YOU will be the clear lighthouse beaming from the foggy shore, calling him in – with no effort.
Just. By. Being. YOU.
Again, it takes a little work to shift this in yourself, but TRUST ME – you can do it.
I did it. I used to have such low self worth that I felt it was an honor if a guy wanted to sleep with me, or wanted to go on a date with me – that’s how bad it used to be for me! So I get it – I’ve been there!!
In my FREE newsletter, I show you a different approach to dating that never lets you get hung up on one man and that actually works to attract the right man to you quickly – and the best part is it requires less of the kind of things that scream “chasing” and “neediness” to him and instead feel attractive and magnetic.
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