By Rori Raye
Have you found yourself in another situation where you let your jealous feelings get the best of you?
Perhaps you and your guy were out on a date, things were going so well - conversation, touches, flirtation, chemistry - all if it flowing. And then, he starts chatting to the woman sitting next to your table. He’s friendly, warm and seems a little too flirty for your liking. When he starts talking to you again, you explode at him, and he leaves.
Your heart is shattered into pieces on the restaurant floor. You’re mortified. How do you heal this broken heart, again?
You wonder, Is he just another misogynistic jerk in the long line of jerks you’ve dated? Why do you get so jealous? Why can’t you just be ‘cool’? Are you doing something wrong?
I’ve got to tell you this first: It’s NORMAL to feel jealous.
We’re women… We’re human… We have feelings, insecurities, and all kinds of nagging voices in our head that tell us who we are and who we aren’t, what we can and can’t do, what we should and should not be doing, and run us down all over the place.
Voices that compare us to everything and everyone - especially other women.
Voices that tell us we can never be happy.
Voices that tell us we do not deserve love - and that even if we did, we would always be one of those women who “never gets love.”
If this is happening to you, I can help. We ALL have these Nasty Voices in our heads, screaming at us.
And the way we deal with those “inside” voices can completely change the way things happen for us “out there.” It can change the way things happen with any man.
A man will AUTOMATICALLY find you more and more attractive - on more and more levels than he even knew about. He’ll find himself relating to you and thinking about you completely differently. You’ll start to stand out from other women in his mind and heart in ways he can’t even explain.
I remember when nearly anything a man did or said could set me off. If he so much as danced with another woman at a party (even if she was his boss’s wife), my mind would go to all the possibilities of “Why I wasn’t what he wanted. He was going to cheat on me. I was just a fling to him. This could never turn into anything serious…” And then, it would get even more interesting:
I would get angry. I could feel it boiling up inside me (and I’ve never been a woman automatically comfortable with anger, so it felt horrible.)
Then I’d feel silly and even stupid - because here I was, getting angry at what I’d just made up in my head.
I realized I’d come up with this whole idea that he was going to choose another woman over me, and then got angry about it - but I couldn’t stop the feeling.
And I sure didn’t know what to DO with that feeling running through me.
And then it got even more interesting: After I got angry, I got scared.
It was as though my own feelings - spinning, bouncing off each other, moving from emotion to emotion, getting more intense and painful with each “jump,” picking up new emotional states like a stone gathering moss - were CREATING the fear.
I felt both out of control and “the same as always” - all at the same time. I KNEW this pattern, this cycle, this spinning. I knew what started it, and how it was going to run through me. And all I could do was either “fight” it hard, or give into it. I could keep it bottled up or spit it out.
And, either way - I felt miserable and the result with a man was miserable.
Now, while all this was going on inside me (and if you’re anything like I was - it’s going on with you, too), it never occurred to me there was a different way to “be” with it.
It never occurred to me how much damage all of this was doing to my relationship with a man, and how much damage doing it over and over and over again was creating for my chances at having life-long love. It was wrecking my insides, and wrecking my ability to “be in love.”
This part never occurred to me:
So, using the “party” scenario, let’s say my man finishes his dance with the boss’s wife, and then walks over to me and smiles and puts his arm around me. Instead of feeling all warm and cozy and comfortable and melting into his chest and dancing with him and kissing him…
My whole body is stiff because I have just made up that I am never going to get this guy. I just made up that he’s never going to want me forever. I’ve just made up that he’s a womanizer. I just filled my whole body with anger, and filled my whole body with fear.
So what do you think he feels when he’s standing there with me?
Yeah, I’m not exactly being the warmest, most open, most sexy woman on the planet at this moment.
In fact, I’m not even being myself.
I’m not who I am. I am, instead, a woman who’s become tense because I just made up a whole scenario to get jealous about.
And that’s what’s happening to you, too. You are blocking love.
You are breaking your own heart!
Even in a truly dangerous situation, where a man is actually flirting with or cheating with another woman, I want you to never “close yourself up” or become tense…
All the “arts,” including the Martial Arts, teach us that being open, aware, physically relaxed and present is ALWAYS in our best interests.
So how can I help you quickly to USE your jealousy as a “Force For Good” instead of a “Force For Damage”?
Rule #1: You are not alone in this.
Something he did or said triggered your jealousy. Even if all he did was get dressed up and stand there looking pretty.
And yet -
Rule #2: NO ONE did ANYTHING “wrong.” There is no one and nothing to blame.
I know this sounds fanciful and farfetched (and frustrating), especially if you just got cheated on…but bear with me here. I’m not looking to measure “right or wrong” - because that won’t help you.
I’m looking to help you with two things:
1. Get love you trust.
2. End emotional stress around jealousy
So - what he did or didn’t do or did or didn’t say is nearly completely unimportant here.
Because the only thing that’s important is whether or not you feel there’s real danger to the relationship, and what YOU want to do with that information.
So what could be “really” dangerous to your relationship (or to your desire to even HAVE a relationship with this man)?
I use the word “actually” here to demonstrate the difference between something that is happening that a man is actually doing, as opposed to something he is capable of doing or considering doing or fantasizing about doing.
And here we come to the part where all of us women get shaken up:
That big huge area of gray cloudy mush that happens between: “He just stood there looking handsome,” and “He’s actually sleeping with someone else.” It’s like a big no man’s land. An obstacle course, an ocean, a desert, where everything a man says or does feels like it’s moving toward “actual disaster.”
And the truth is - everything we think and feel and do and say can impact where that man is in that ocean, that desert, that no man’s land between just standing there appreciating other women, and actually sleeping with another woman.
And keep this in mind: Some men are absolutely not capable of sleeping with “another women.” They are absolutely not capable of even flirting with another woman under any circumstances.
So ask yourself: Are you willing to be attracted to a man who would never ever even consider cheating on you? Who would not even want to dance with the possibly beautiful and safe boss’s wife?
Or would you find him boring?
The truth is: Most of us women are attracted to “bad boys.” Guys with an “edge.” Men who COULD be dangerous. Men who actually ARE dangerous.
So - before you throw your heart in with any man, you have to decide what level of danger you’re willing to live with.
In other words, if he’s totally True Blue - is he sexy?
So once you’ve answered that one, if you go for true blue (and I’ll teach you how to make true blue feel sexy to you in another letter) then the whole area of danger is lessened considerably.
And, I say “lessened,” instead of “never ever,” because not only can we never know what’s going to happen with anyone, our brains KNOW that we can never know…
So there’s ALWAYS going to be stuff for us to make up in our heads.
So now that we’ve gotten down the basic structure of what’s happening with you and with the man when you feel jealous and insecure, let’s break down how to solve the problem:
The moment you have a thought in your brain that’s splashing “Danger, danger danger” and it’s accompanied by a sinking feeling in your tummy that feels like off-balance, insecure, fearful, angry, and jealous:
1. Get out of there. Get out of wherever you’re standing at the moment. Even if you’re alone, move to another space. If you’re in a restaurant on a date, get up and go to the bathroom. If you’re at a party, go to the bathroom. If you’re at the movies, lean away from your man.
2. Put your hands on your heart. Breathe into your heart.
3. Now put your hands on your belly. Breathe into your belly and let it poof out like a balloon.
4. Now, talk to yourself.
(If you have a journal, or even the notepad in your phone - write down all these key feelings and thoughts that are swirling around inside your head, and the things you feel when you take this next step:
Start talking to yourself - out loud if possible. Talk to yourself in the mirror, or talk to a tree if you’re outside, or talk to your fingers silently if you’re in the movies. Say this:
“I have just been triggered by something this man said or did, even if he’s just sitting there. I can feel the danger sign flashing through my whole body. I could feel my emotions spinning from danger to anger and back to fear and back to blame and worry and beating myself up.”
“I’m going to use this trigger and these emotions to make myself feel better, and to bring this man closer.”
“I’m going to keep my body relaxed by breathing into my belly and keeping my heart wide open. I’m going to slather myself with love no matter what I’m thinking or feeling or she’s doing. I’m going to love every feeling I have and everything this man does or says no matter how unpleasant the feelings get. I will not be shaken from this slathering of love on myself, no matter what.”
5. Now move back to where you were when your jealousy got triggered.
If you’re out with a man, go back to where he is and smile. Lean back. Put yourself in the Rori Raye “Dance Position.”
Everything you said to yourself in the bathroom or to the tree or your fingers, every part of you that you brought out of its “shut down” state so it could soften and open up - you’re going to keep soft and opened up. No matter what.
If you’re alone, go back to that spot you were in where the jealous thoughts overpowered you, and see if you can take your new softness and openness with you, no matter what emotions are running through you.
6. Make this absolute determination: “Because I intend to trust myself to know when danger is actually present, I will face all possibilities of danger to come by staying madly in love with myself. By loving my jealousy no matter how powerful it feels.”
Say to yourself: “I feel jealous. I feel angry. I love my jealousy. I love my anger…”
7. This next step is the most advanced step of all. It’s about Poetry, Feeling Messages and being absolutely yourself.
Tilt your head to the left, smile, and say to the man in front of you:
“Wow… I just realized that when that happened (the waitress flirted with you, the bosses wife danced with you, that pretty girl walked by…) I felt jealous. Wow… You just look so handsome. You are just so dangerous. I feel so hot just being with you.”
Okay - I’ll bet you stayed with me until number seven! My guess is that you’ve been either stuffing down your jealousy because you think you’re way “beyond” that kind of feeling, or you’ve been letting it all hang out and telling your man constantly what he’s doing that’s terrible and making you feel jealous.
This Tool for Healing Jealousy will change all of that.
I absolutely do not want you to stuff down your feelings, no matter what they are.
AND… I don’t want you to make any man wrong, either.
This Heal Jealousy Tool will help you take blame off the table completely. It’s never about what anyone did or said or thought - it’s always about what you want, what makes you feel good, and where you want to be at any given moment.
If you’ve been stuffing down your anger and jealousy, you’re probably stuffing down most of your feelings. AND, because exposing and expressing your feelings are the most powerfully attractive things you can do to create love in a man. The Heal Jealousy Tool works FOR you.
And if you’ve been instinctively making someone the villain - perhaps your man, or perhaps yourself - the Heal Jealousy Tool will help you neutralize that.
There’s nothing that kills love and romance faster than blame.
Blaming yourself makes a man wonder what he sees in you - it practically destroys his attraction to you.
And if blaming a man is your “go-to” attitude, you’re pretty much guaranteed to only attract Toxic Men - the kind who are into the whole “blame” thing (and will be only too happy to treat you poorly in return). All good, decent, true-blue men will run from a woman who blames.
Step #7 IS the most challenging step of the Heal Jealousy Tool.
This is where having more solid and consistent support makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I provide regular and consistent tools, tips and practices on how to heal jealousy so you never push a good man away again.
When you subscribe, it’s like having me as your virtual accountability partner in your inbox - for free!
When you put the tips into practice from my newsletter, you’ll be able to banish that nasty voice inside your head, stop letting jealousy overpower your behavior, and heal your broken heart - for good!
Be sure to let me know how the Heal Jealousy Tool works for you next time you find yourself feeling insecure, off balance, angry and jealous!
And remember - you’re not alone.
I’m here for you. Subscribe to my free newsletter and learn how to heal your heart and open it up in a way he’ll find utterly irresistible.