By Rori Raye
It’s a horrible place to be, when you’re in a relationship, or dating a man, and you two were just talking, laughing, and having a great time, talking about deeper things… and all of a sudden he’s gotten distant… Not receptive to your touch or flirtation. Cold even.
You wonder, What the heck happened? Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said?
It’s absolutely agonizing to be sitting there when he just switches like this. It’s like the rug being pulled out from under you - with no warning and no reason! Like you’re just floating in a cloud of confusion, anxiety, self-doubt… and you probably have no idea what to even say or do to make things better again!
You think to yourself, what happened to our connection and sense of intimacy in our relationship? Things were going so well!
You start wondering what you did wrong. Or if his feelings have changed. Or what triggered this change in behavior.
And that when I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself a question. A question you probably aren’t thinking about, or considering, when wondering why the intimacy has died in your relationship.
Here’s the question:
How much “input” does a man receive in a day?
Meaning: how much is coming at him every single day? Messages, requests, questions, problems - from work, from the media, from his friends and family…?
With all that coming at him, how in the world are YOU supposed to cut through all that so he can really hear you and give you what you need?
Here’s the thing you need to understand:
Love has a sort of “marketing” component to it. (Especially when you want to be clear with a man and he’s got so much stuff coming at him, a short attention span, and doesn’t necessarily even WANT to hear what you have to say.)
An effective “marketer” knows that in order for her product and message to stand out, it needs to be very clear, to the point, and it absolutely needs to leave out all the stuff a prospective customer DOESN’T need to hear!
You want to leave out anything that’ll make your message get lost among everything else competing for the “customer’s” attention.
Any marketing message - if it’s going to get results - needs to cut through “the clutter.” If the message is unclear, too complex, or too long, it doesn’t CUT THROUGH. The marketer fails to engage the customer. In essence, the message falls on deaf ears.
With this “marketing” image in mind, imagine all the conversations you can have (and have had…) with a man.
Now imagine this:
What are you thinking and feeling when you have a glaring need you want a man to fulfill?
Imagine all the conflicting thoughts going through your head and different sensations going through your body. Say you’re running out of patience because he’s continuously late. If you say what you’re thinking - with your usual reactions and usual words - it might go something like this:
"I can’t believe you did this again! Don’t you realize how inconsiderate you’re being? Do you think you’re the only one who matters? You’re always late and I’m always waiting for you! Last week we were late for dinner. Last month we missed the beginning of the movie. And now we’re going to keep our friends waiting. I really can’t stand it when you do this! You have to change…"
Only, when you talk to a man like this, he’ll automatically become defensive - especially because he KNOWS he screwed up!
He’ll feel like he’s failed you (which he did) - and that’s almost too much for him to bear. Instead of doing what you and I would consider the “logical” thing to do - fix his mistakes and change his ways - he’ll just get angrier at you for pointing out his faults yet again.
That’s when he’ll retreat, get angry, or go in the other direction - to despondency and depression - and make it so much harder for you to reach him.
If you want to know why your efforts to “get through” to a man haven’t worked so far - and how to turn things around quickly (even if he’s retreating, angry, or depressed) - by simply changing a few of the words you use, go here:
Here’s a powerful little “speech” for you in this situation - a simple yet amazingly effective Love Script:
"I’m feeling really angry right now. It doesn’t feel good to wait, and it doesn’t feel good to keep my friends waiting, either. I don’t want to be complaining all the time, and I really don’t know what to do. What do you think we could do to fix this?"
In just a few words, you’ve clearly communicated your frustrations, you HAVEN’T directly blamed him (notice there’s no mention of the word “you” in the Script - except for the important "What do you think?" part at the end), and you’ve also done something beautiful:
You’ve turned the problem over to him!
Now HE has what can make HIM feel good enough to WANT to change: He has an opportunity to make things better!
What you haven’t said is just as important as what you did say - and it’s actually more EFFECTIVE in getting the ultimate results you want.
Remember what I said about all the messages and input a man receives in a day?
All of us are continually being bombarded day in, day out with tons of facts. This is especially true in our digitally-driven world.
And a man doesn’t “multi-task” the way we women do. He gets distracted. He gets focused on things that SEEM important in the moment and then can easily let YOU and your needs fall by the wayside.
So what he needs, in the middle of all this mental activity and bombardment, is for YOU to offer him FEELINGS.
Emotions. Real, honest, gut-level feelings - expressed in a way he can HEAR - that can return him to being a human being.
And your success at getting through to him and creating connection is all about HOW you express those feelings. What you say as well as what you don’t say.
There’s a quote that goes like this:
“It’s the space between the bars that holds the tiger.”
And so it is with a man. When you know which words to say - and which to leave out - you create a safe space for both of you. A safe space to express your true feelings, and a safe space that will HOLD a man in a way that feels blissful to him.
Creating and “holding” this “space between the bars” for a man is a skill.
And once you learn the skill of knowing what to say and what not to say - you give a man the chance to be the hero he WANTS to be for you.
It’s all about learning how to deliver your thoughts and feelings in a way a man can truly hear. Because when you do, he’ll be yours forever.
Communicating effectively with a man to create intimacy (instead of accidentally pushing it away) is a skill that can be learned. You just need the right guide.
I’d like to be that guide.
In my free love and feminine energy newsletter, I’ll teach you want to say (and what NOT to say) to inspire your man to be the romantic, caring, attentive partner you fell in love with.
I’ll show you how to go deeper with your man, and how to embrace your whole self and make your man feel safe in your presence.
You’ll also learn…
You are not alone in experiencing that jarring shift when your guy goes from deeply engaged and flirtatious to a place where he feels a million miles away.
So often, it’s as simple as the way we communicate to him that can make or break a magical (or nightmarish) night with him!
But when you learn how to speak to him in this new way, you can get closer than ever, and inspire his love, attention and care. So subscribe to my free newsletter today: I’ll help you learn the skills and secrets to making him fall in love - and stay in love - with you forever.