By Rori Raye
Are you dating a man where things are going well - maybe even amazing - but some part of you is craving a deeper connection? You’re wanting more intimacy in your relationship, but all the things you’re trying don’t seem to quite do the trick.
Maybe you’ve been dating for a while, but he still keeps you at arms length, and isn’t sharing his thoughts and feelings with you.
Or maybe you are in a committed relationship, but the connection is lacking, and you yearn for deep, close intimacy and you aren’t sure why it feels like something is missing.
Or maybe you have a history of hot and heavy romances that quickly catch fire but seem to die out after the initial passion simmers.
You know you want more.
You want emotional closeness, physical intimacy, a caring supportive partner. And you want to show him that you can be that too.
So what do you do?
How do you create more intimacy in your relationship?
How do you get that unspoken connection, that closeness, that you’ve been craving?
Here’s the tricky thing about creating intimacy: most of us women have been sold a false bill of goods on how to create it with a man, and we end up pushing him away when we are trying to get closer.
We have been told that the way to a man’s heart is by doing something out of the ordinary or by pretending to be a perfect partner…
Although any of these things can certainly work to attract a man initially, and make him interested enough to get to know you better, and maybe want to sleep with you, it will do nothing to soften a man’s heart and make him be more intimate with you, long-term.
That’s because a man doesn’t care if you’re dressed to the hilt every time he sees you. Sometimes he likes seeing you in your natural, relaxed “mode.” He wants to know the REAL you.
You know the lyrics to the song, “All of You” by John Legend? “All of me, wants all of you”… that’s what a healthy masculine man wants.
The REAL you isn’t always hilarious, witty, oozing sex appeal or perfect…
The real you also is messy, cranky, irritated, sleepy, at times, right?
We have mixed up lust for love.
Lust is that super-charged initial attraction, where we are often at our best… but as time passes, and that lust phase diminishes, we can’t rely on being ‘perfect’ anymore, if we want a lasting, intimate relationship.
He doesn’t care how many degrees you hold or how much you make at your job. He just wants to know that you’re happy and love your life. He doesn’t care how many opinions you have or how many facts you can recite. He may enjoy your company if you’re a great conversationalist, but he won’t want to make you his “one and only” if you’re caught up trying to be the ‘perfect’ version of yourself.
Making a man feel “safe” is actually the most powerful way to a man’s heart.
The way to a man’s heart is to make him feel safe enough to explore and experience his own inner feelings and emotions.
Men, especially very masculine, doing-oriented men, are not very good at accessing their feelings. That doesn’t mean they don’t have them, or that they wouldn’t want to feel something once in a while. They feel just as much as you do - they’re human! They’re just not always so great at expressing what they feel.
This is where you get to use your natural, feminine power!
If you don’t communicate to him that you know what you’re feeling or that you’re comfortable in your own, feminine skin, he won’t feel comfortable or safe opening up to you, either. And if he can’t open himself up to you, he can’t fall in love with you. He won’t feel safe to create more intimacy in your relationship. It’s as simple as that.
Here’s What Makes A Man Feel Unsafe:
It’s easy to feel confused about what magnetic and juicy emotions are, vs what “drama” is. A man wants to know you’re angry when you’re angry and why you’re angry.
He just doesn’t like it when he suspects you’re angry, but he’s not sure, because you’re trying hard to stifle it or stuff it down. And you know, that stifled anger just explodes out somewhere else, at another time! That is drama.
Your ability to be yourself makes him feel safer, more relaxed and comfortable to fully be himself.
And for men this is particularly important, because men are often conditioned to be ‘strong’, ‘stoic’, and ‘perfect’ in their own manly ways.
Just like you feel the need to appease and please and be beautiful and perfect… HE feels he needs to be strong and unemotional and tough. But both of these ways of being (for men and women) are not relaxed, or totally authentic right?
If men or women feel pressured to maintain this inauthentic ‘perfect’ connection, we CANNOT go into deeper intimacy, and we’ll be too stressed out to want to pursue it anyway! Most people will need to leave, or take a break or just end the relationship, because it’s exhausting.
When you can take the lead in a feminine way and be your authentic self (and stop pretending, do-do-doing and give-give-giving), he can open up and be himself.
When a man meets a woman he feels relaxed with, he will naturally want to be in her company more.
Think about it this way - if you’re always busy trying to do all these things to impress him, it’s taking time and energy away from you being real with yourself.
You’re preoccupied trying to get that super-toned hot body to make him stay attracted, or thinking of different ways to show him you’re interested in sports like he is, or not saying things that could ruffle his feathers…
But if you’re doing all these things for the sake of trying to keep him, and they’re not authentic to YOU - he will feel that inauthenticity!
Even if he can’t put words to it, he will instinctively feel something is ‘off’ and not feel comfortable relaxing more into the relationship with you.
As long as you stay at a superficial level of intimacy, he will too.
So start practicing being ALL of you. Start with the little, easier things.
If you never let him see you without make-up - start showing him your natural face sometimes!
If you feel insecure about showing him your natural face, tell him how you feel - a masculine man’s heart will soften with your vulnerability and want to make you feel good.
If you hate watching football with him and all his buddies, let him know you’re happy to get him some snacks (or whatever you genuinely are open to!) and then go off to your yoga class or meet up with your girls for some laughs!
No more pretending. No more being ‘perfect’.
You can’t have true intimacy with your man, if you’re not willing to show up more fully as yourself.
If you truly want to go deeper with your man and create that intimate connection, I share other practical tips on how to embrace your whole self and make your man feel safe in your presence in my FREE newsletter.
In my newsletter, I share how you can build TRUE INTIMACY in your relationship, and so much more!
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