By Rori Raye
If you’re feeling stuck in a loveless marriage that feels flat, disconnected and hollow - I know how you feel.
Or maybe it’s not flat, it’s just “ok”. Nothing is really terrible… he’s a good guy, but the love and passion is just nowhere to be found.
Maybe you’ve tried couples counseling, couple’s retreats, bought risque lingerie and sex toys, or planned adventurous, out-of-the-box date nights to try to get the spark back between you two.
None of it quite worked though… doing all these things might leave you in an even deeper state of despair about the lack of love and excitement.
I’ve been there. And if you are like me, I’m sure it didn’t start out this way. In the beginning, you were deeply in love. After all, you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with this amazing man.
When you think back to those days, it’s hard to understand where or how things went wrong.
(This doesn’t necessarily account for bigger issues such as abuse, infidelity, big betrayals, etc. We’re talking about rekindling the LOVE that has gone missing!)
Now it seems like you two couldn’t be farther apart if you tried. He drifted away and checked out… your heart is in turmoil and agony. You spend more and more time apart… and you can’t figure out how to make things feel good again.
You might even wonder if that initial love was even real, or were you somehow tricked by your hormones or, even tricked by him??
You spin your wheels trying to understand, trying to figure it out.
And it’s exhausting.
I remember feeling so NEGLECTED by my husband after the honeymoon phase wore off and we were just in a regular relationship routine (more like a deep rut!).
There was so much frustration and sadness in the space between him and me, on top of all the sleepless, miserable nights I spent alone - curled up on the rug, crying, or just walking around the house while he slept.
I tried therapists and healers of all kinds, and the hole in my heart just got deeper and deeper, and the distance between my husband and I just got bigger and bigger.
I spent so much time trying to figure my husband out, and figure out why things were going wrong, and figuring out how to get him to do what I wanted him to do and act how I wanted him to act.
But every time I opened my mouth, it was like he was telling me with the look on his face and the coldness of his body language that I’d once again “put my foot in it.”
Every time I tried to “talk” about what was going on with us, it backfired. Things just got worse and worse, to where I was afraid to even speak.
And remember, I was a fairly successful person in every other part of my life - I was outgoing, smart, a working actress. I’d even learned how to put a business together on my own. But here I was - afraid to SPEAK to my husband. It was embarrassing.
But I want you to know exactly how bad it was for me, and exactly how I pulled myself out - so you can, too.
So there I was, walking on eggshells during the day and staying up all night, spinning my wheels trying to figure things out. And everything I was doing seemed to cause more damage than if I’d done nothing at all.
Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage. I was so inauthentic - he never knew who I was, where I was coming from, and what I really felt.
He stopped trying to communicate with me. And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF.
I was carrying the weight of my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms - all by myself.
I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was taking up all my time and energy.
Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship - all in ONE MOMENT!
And that was the moment I stopped TRYING TO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT.
After pushing myself past exhaustion, doing my best to stay cheerful, trying so hard to fix everything… a moment arrived where I felt like I was literally going to explode.
Instead of blowing a fuse, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED.
I plopped down on my living room floor and didn’t have dinner ready. I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn’t even get up to welcome my husband when he came home.
I could hear the coldness in his voice, and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up and make everything “better,” I stayed put.
I didn’t try to make everything “better.” Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me.
I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love.
And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed. As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind.
I thought and tried to “figure things out” through every second of those two very long minutes.
I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a “good” wife (even though I worked, too).
I could hear my brain trying to imagine how horrible our evening was going to be, what he must be thinking, how I should act, what I could possibly do, how I could “talk” to him, what we’d do for dinner, wondering if he’d felt “slighted” by me, again, trying to get into his head.
And then something magical happened. It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind. In that moment, I could “hear” my brain talking, and I could “see” my brain thinking.
I was over-thinking about everything I didn’t have any control over.
And I caught myself. I noticed it. And then, without thinking about it, I STOPPED myself. Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped over-thinking.
The thing is, when we’re so busy over-thinking, especially over-thinking about our man, we are not present in our own bodies… that means we are disconnected from our own true, authentic feelings and emotions.
And when we’re stuck in our head, disconnected from our bodies we literally can’t show up as ourselves, or as the amazing woman our husband chose to marry!
This was a massive light-bulb realization for me.
I was getting back in touch with my own feminine energy and power again.
I focused on my daughter, looked at her precious little face, looked at the beautiful paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened.
He walked over to me. He sat down next to me.
I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME. He looked at me. I smiled at him.
And in that one moment, we CONNECTED. I could feel it. I could feel it through my whole body.
He FELT me starting to be myself again. No pretense. No predicting his needs or care-taking of him. He felt me being more present in my own body, and THAT’S who he married. That is the ME he wants to connect with.
The funny thing about finding yourself in a loveless marriage… is it’s often because we’re not actually being loving to ourselves. We are being fake - to our husbands, and to ourselves. We’re trying to do everything ‘perfectly’ - be the perfect wife, mom, lover, home-maker…
But love is NOT perfection. Real love is honest. Genuine love is about being a mess on the floor and being in your emotions and not pretending everything is OK. It’s not overthinking things to death. And, of course it’s also about being honest when things are really good, or just so-so.
If you’d told me that just staying put on the floor would be such a big, huge thing to do for myself and my marriage, I would have laughed.
But it was. And that moment was what got the ball rolling for me. From there, I started feeling stronger. I stopped doing more and more, and to my never-ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come to me!
And then, even more amazingly, as I started practicing this ‘leaning back’, I started to feel different inside.
He couldn’t put his finger on what was pushing him away from me.
He could never describe what that was like for him, or exactly what it was I was doing or not doing, he just knew that even though yesterday he’d wanted to run away from me, now, all of a sudden he wanted to be close.
He wanted to cuddle. He initiated sex. He wanted to make love again! He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and cuddling up and kissing again.
He could never have given me the advice I needed to inspire him like this, because he didn’t understand it himself.
I still don’t talk about any of this to him, not because I want to keep secrets, but because it’s not about HIM!
It’s about embodying your own Feminine Energy.
When you stop over-thinking, spinning your wheels trying to figure out what HE’s wanting/thinking/feeling/doing… you come back into YOURSELF.
You start feeling yourself again… and from here, you can actually show up authentically in your relationship again!
Your husband doesn’t need you to care-take or predict all of his needs and desires.
Your husband needs you to be YOU. He needs you to love YOURSELF first, and take all the overthinking pressure off of him!
By staying put on the floor in this situation, I was paying attention to ME again. It had been a while!
By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter.
And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me - I SMILED. I was warm; I welcomed him.
If I had been angry or resentful and used that to subtly punish him, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me.
If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him. I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT. I would have been cold.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry or resentful… but if it’s used to punish him, he won’t want to connect. If you feel genuinely angry about something he did that hurt you, then that’s where you need to communicate about it with him.
Connection and love can be reestablished, even through anger or resentment - if it’s done honestly.
Like I said earlier, real love, and connection are based on being HONEST… and it starts by being honest with yourself FIRST.
So, you’ve got to practice how to FEEL yourself HONESTLY, and then communicating that with your husband through Feeling Messages, such as, “I feel sad about how disconnected I feel from you”, or “I really enjoy and feel happy when I get to spend more time playing with our daughter”.
Again, when you start communicating this way with your husband, it’s not in an emotionally manipulative way where you’re secretly hoping he’ll change… but it’s from a very honest place within YOU, simply to share what’s true for you. Your intention in sharing matters.
As you practice this, you’ll SEE how it works with your man. I know you’ll experience something magical happen, and you’ll feel him come a little closer.
I was so uncomfortable just sitting there, and so prepared for coldness from HIM, it was an amazing thing that I was able to be OPEN to him at that moment.
But I was. And that made all the difference. So when I felt it happen – the CONNECTION – I felt less afraid to do the same things again. I was braver. I was able to STOP moving toward HIM, and instead, be OPEN and WELCOMING when HE moved toward ME.
And that’s how I was able to bring love back into my marriage. Practically overnight.
If things have gone on for a long time in a bad direction in your marriage, there might be other things that you need to do too, and it can take some practice so also be patient with yourself!
These tools of bringing your focus back into YOU and YOUR BODY, plus communicating in FEELING MESSAGES are two major tools and a perfect starting point, that have helped me and countless other women get their loveless marriages back on track.
If this has helped clarify some things for you in how you can bring the love back into your marriage, I’ve got many more tips to share with you in my free Feminine Energy newsletter.
As you keep practicing being more present in your own body, to your own true emotions and feelings, and communicating honestly with feeling messages, I invite you to sign up for my FREE newsletter where I share many other techniques to help make your marriage stronger than ever.
Even stronger than when you were deeply in love at the beginning - imagine what that will feel like!!
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I’ve been where you are in a loveless marriage. I know your pain and through much trial, error and turmoil, I figured out how to make things right again. Now my marriage of 20+ years is beyond my wildest dreams. If I can do it, and my clients can do it, so can you.