By Rori Raye
Are you worried your man has a fear of intimacy?
If your guy often feels distant, checked-out or uninterested in putting in real effort into your relationship, it can be incredibly frustrating. Some days things are wonderful - you two have a magical kind of love, and things flow so naturally.
But other days he’s just not there - maybe he’s present physically, but emotionally he’s somewhere else. You wonder if you’ve fallen for yet another emotionally unavailable guy who’s afraid of intimacy.
You might retreat into your own head, trying to figure out where things went wrong, or how you picked a guy like this - AGAIN.
If you feel like you’ve been beating your head against a wall trying to get your man to really open up, connect & commit to you, I can help.
Even if you’ve tried everything, and had results once but then everything went back to the way it was, where nothing’s happening for the future, it’s not too late.
The good thing is: men are easy in a very fundamental and important way when it comes to relationships: if they want you, they want you - and you don’t have to work hard at all to make that happen.
But just as true, they’ll often do the absolute MINIMUM they have to do to keep you around:
If you lean back, step back, and stop what I call “Overfunctioning,” they’ll cave in to themselves, “snap-to” and work hard to get back in your “good graces” until they can “slack off again” and STILL keep you around for a while longer.
Men are champs at drawing things out. I’ve seen men go for years - 2, 5, even 8! - without even TALKING about commitment. It’s always just “not a good time” in their lives.
Why is he being so immoveable? Why’s he so “not ready” - especially if he’s in his 40’s?
It’s all about connection.
It works for a man exactly the way it does for us - on a feeling level. But there’s a huge difference in how a man’s romantic response gets triggered and the way ours gets triggered.
We are all attracted - both men and women - in mysterious ways. There’s a hidden combination of qualities a man has or a woman has that inspires intense attraction.
For us, it could be the first time we lay eyes on a man, and he looks like someone we once loved, or he’s wearing something that triggers a memory, or he smells a bit like our father. (I know - yuck - but it’s true.)
(Yes, even if we had a horrible or barely tolerable relationship with our fathers, we women are all attracted to men who are like our fathers in some core way, and men have the same experience with feeling attracted to women who are somehow like their mothers - even though they may have no idea what those qualities are that are attracting them, and even though they may say they have a terrible relationship with their mother.)
It’s all about mysterious things that are beneath the surface - having to do with “energy” and “pheromones” and many things that make up who we are.
Men are attracted to us right off the bat - and that attraction usually sticks - but at just the “attraction” level.
The way a relationship moves all the way to commitment is when we’re able to keep that “attraction” going strong, and then lift it up all the way to the level of connection.
For us women, connection can happen in some other ways that make us different from men. It could happen after knowing a man for a while and discovering qualities about him that attract us deeply.
Either way, for a relationship to move past the initial attraction phase, there’s got to be a deeper connection made, in order for a man to want to fully commit to you.
The good thing is… as a feminine woman, you actually do have a lot more control over this connection and commitment than we’re taught! All you need to do is share very honestly about your feelings with your man.
It could be - and this is the BEST case scenario - that after getting to know him, we begin to trust him, we begin to let him see ALL of us, even the parts of us we’re not so crazy about.
We let down our guard and show him who we really are and how we really feel. And then every moment we do this, every moment we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable and open with him, if he continues to love us, treat us well, listen to us, support us and initiate more and more contact and more commitment - then we become ever more intensely attracted to him - we feel connected.
It’s as though our attraction to him is based more on our attraction to and love for OURSELVES more than anything in particular about HIM.
When you’re really open and honest about your deep, true feelings, even the scary and difficult ones, it’s an act of self-love. It honors who you truly are deep down, and in turn, sharing in this way, makes your man feel more connected to YOU. Because you’re more connected to YOURSELF.
It is vulnerable, of course! And you want to take it slow when you first start sharing in this way, to make sure you are in fact sharing vulnerably with a guy who’s truly ready and safe. The good thing is, many more men than you realize are CRAVING this kind of intimacy with women - we’ve just been taught all wrong about how to go about it! And the ones who truly aren’t ready… well, you’ll quickly start weeding them out!
This also shows how much "having things in common” or other kinds of personality matching are just not the most important things for real connection in a relationship.
In my Rori Raye philosophy, the thing you and a man should BOTH have most in common is a deep, abiding, total love for YOURSELF! He loves himself. You love yourself.
So, this is the clear first step to getting him to commit - to love yourself MORE than you love him. Honor your true feelings, as an act of self love.
What Happens When He Pulls Away
Here’s an amazing story from Gina, who was doing great with the man who ‘had her heart’ for a while but slowly started feeling him pull away.
She realized she was falling into her old habits of leaning forward and covering up her feelings.
Instead of panicking, she went back to my basics, step-by-step. You can see how she opened up a new, deeper connection with her man, and how easy it is to turn things around fast:
You are a miracle worker. Your tools work!! As you suggest, I dated many men although my heart was stuck on one - Mike.
Things seemed to be progressing. Then he pulled back. I did as you suggest, I didn’t call or email, and as much as possible, stopped thinking about him and began working on me.
When he finally called, I followed your advice, and didn’t get angry. Instead I practiced feeling messages. This gave me a chance to catch my breath and he was clearly surprised that I didn’t chew him out.
I kept practicing feeling messages on everyone and putting my energy back on me. And once again, he called me for a date. Because I had been practicing, it became easier while I was with him. And suddenly, everything came to a head: Basically, he told me that he didn’t think I cared about him.
I started crying and finally told him how I really felt. I totally see how my stepping forward over the past few months kept my heart separated from his. And get this: During this conversation, he is the one who BROUGHT UP MARRIAGE.
Thank you, Gina"
What actually happened here is that Gina was not loving herself, first and foremost. She was getting caught up in trying to love him - in order to keep him.
And that repelled him. That repels any healthy man! If a man sticks around while you love him more than you love yourself, you’re not actually in a truly loving relationship - it’s going to be more codependent and unhealthy.
Once Gina started focusing on loving herself first, putting her heart first, and speaking from her heart honestly with Mike - they reconnected in a much more intimate and loving way!
If you’re finding yourself stuck in your relationship, you can give it a small nudge and shift the whole thing just by doing what Gina did - open up your heart and your real feelings so your man can CONNECT with you.
Let him feel your warmth instead of the cold anger and resentment we all feel when we’re kept on hold and at arm’s length from a man we truly care for. Let him feel your willingness to share your feelings with him - so he can feel more trust in you and open up his feelings more.
If you’ve tried, you know that ASKING a man to open up never works. The only thing that works is leading by example - you have to open up first.
Learning how to communicate in ‘Feeling Messages’ is what needs to happen.
Feeling Messages are all about getting in touch with how you really feel and then expressing it in a way a man can really hear and respond to - a way that touches his heart and compels him to get closer to you.
The truly wonderful thing about this?
Even if you’re not used to communicating in this way - yet - as you practice, it will get easy, FAST… because as a feminine woman, the feeling and emotional world is the domain of the feminine! It is where your power lies as a woman.
So Practice This Now:
As you practice this, you’ll SEE how it works with your man. I know you’ll experience something magical happen, and you’ll feel him come a little closer.
Keep leaning back, opening your heart, and loving yourself, and know I’m right here for you.
And as you practice this, let me know how it works for you!
I have many other resources, practices and tips that will help you with creating more intimacy and connection step-by-step - so that you always feel powerful and strong enough INSIDE to be vulnerable on the OUTSIDE, in a baby-step way so that you don’t shock yourself.
I’ll teach you all these Tools when you subscribe to my free Feminine Energy newsletter. You’ll learn how to make a man fall so deeply in love that his fear of intimacy will dissolve like sugar in hot coffee.
And you’ll fall so in love with yourself, that no man will be able to resist you!
You’ll also learn…