By Rori Raye
Have you ever felt like you had the relationship you wanted with the man of your dreams - like you could finally exhale and relax and not have to worry about dating again? And then, suddenly, did this same man withdraw or become distant from you and your whole world came crashing down?
If this has happened to you - like it has to so many women including myself - then you probably did what the rest of us do. You launched into “get your man back” mode. That is, you worked hard to win him over again and prove your worth to him. You start making all sorts of excuses for him, even if he does things like “take a break” from the relationship and sleep with his ex in the meantime! How do I know this? Because I fell into the same trap years ago before I realized that there was something terribly wrong with this situation, and it was me.
The problem was my self-esteem. It was so low, that I didn’t think I deserved better treatment from a man. In fact, I called myself the “crumb-taking queen.” It wasn’t until I started boosting my self-esteem and feeling more confident that something magically happened: men treated me with the respect I - and you - deserve.
So how do you get your man back? You get yourself back first. Here’s how.
If you’ve been used to settling for less in a relationship, there’s something you need to do before you even think about getting your man back. Putting up with poor treatment from a man starts to build up as anger inside of you. You’ll interpret this as feeling “hurt” by what your man says or does, when in fact you are upset with yourself for accepting improper treatment in the first place or because you became sexually exclusive with a man before he gave you the commitment you wanted.
It’s very possible that the anger you are now feeling is actually creating distance in your relationship, so you need to deal with that anger BEFORE you get your man back. Otherwise it will continue to fester inside you. How do you do this? By really FEELING your feelings and having compassion for them. Stop right now, take a deep breath, and feel whatever is happening inside of you. Then name that feeling. Is it mad, sad, glad? The more you are able to identify your feelings and take control of them, the more closeness you will have with a man. Why? Because men feel relieved when they finally meet a woman who can feel her feelings without becoming dramatic or out of control about them.
Back in my dating days, before I met my husband, I thought I had high self-esteem. After all, I was self-assured, had a great career, and I owned a home. But the truth was that even though I was strong on the outside, I was like jelly on the inside. And on top of that, I would beat myself up for feeling like jelly. And yet all I would show men was my “tough” exterior. So they just assumed I was “unhurtable,” and that I could handle things.
They thought that if I wasn’t happy with the way they treated me that I’d leave - just like they would. It was so far from the truth! I had no idea how to treat myself well, much less require that they treat me well. Then I realized I had to teach myself to treat myself well. And this is what you have to do not only if you want to get your man back, but if you also want a truly connected, close relationship.
Starting is very simple: you need to embrace all of yourself, even the parts you don’t like. When I started embracing my jelliness on the inside and let people really see me, an incredible thing happened. I got stronger on the inside. And you will, too. You’ll become more sensitive to yourself instead of always being sensitive to him. When you do that, another miraculous thing happens: he becomes sensitive to YOU. The entire vibe in the relationship changes, and the urge to chase you again will come back - even if things seem very disconnected right now.
So, if you want to get your man back, stop. Get yourself back. It’s the only way to get your man back if he’s the right man… for good.