By Rori Raye
Does the man you’re with keep telling you he’s “not sure” about what he’s feeling, or what he wants?
Do you go on dates with some guys that have real potential, only to get ghosted or even more torturous, breadcrumbed?
Are you only getting swipes from guys you have zero interest in, while all the men you’re attracted to aren’t matching with you?
Or, do you do more for your boyfriend or husband, only to get much less back in terms of how much support, attention and affection he gives you?
Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can’t you just be loving, and get the love you want?
You can! You absolutely can.
If you do a google search, trying to find out what men want in women, how to keep a good man, or how to make him commit to you, you’ll find endless advice, tips, videos and’expert’ experiences.
The thing is, it’s not about any of this.
You can try all the ways to impress him, be sexier, be more understanding, lean back, play games and let him lead… but if you aren’t doing this one simple thing, you’re gonna lose a great guy.
Trying to impress is great, but leave that for a job interview. A high-quality man does NOT want to be on a job interview for his date.
And leave the games for play time with children. A great man won’t put up with being treated like a child.
Let go of your agenda, any pretense, or any notion of how things’should’ go.
Did you think you’ve already been totally yourself with your man?
I bet not… at least not fully.
There are likely some things you’ve been desperately hiding, trying to make seem ’better’ or avoiding at all costs.
Do you ever hide that you feel upset about something he did or said?
If you’re online dating, do you only try to show the most perfect, shiniest version of you – perhaps even using filters or only the most ideal lighting in your photos?
Do you try to not let him see you naked unless it’s just the right, most flattering angle of you?
Or you go along with what he wants to do all the time, but rarely-if-ever speak up about what you want to do?
Do you pretend everything’s ok when it isn’t?
Do you stuff down sadness, anger, or fear?
Do you say no when you don’t want to do something?
If you answered no to any of those questions, you are NOT, in fact, revealing all of yourself.
You are hiding, and pretending, and trying to convince him to like you. And deep down, he knows it.
There are tried and true approaches that nearly all of us women have been told “work” with men. Things like:
Although any of these things will certainly work to attract a man initially, and make him interested enough to get to know you better, or want to sleep with you, it will do nothing to soften a man’s heart and make him fall deeply and madly in love with you.
That’s because a man doesn’t care if you’re dressed to the hilt every time he sees you.(After all, lust is not love) In fact, he absolutely adores seeing you in your natural, relaxed “mode.”
He doesn’t care how many degrees you hold or how much you make at your job. He just wants to know that you’re happy and love your life.
He doesn’t care how many opinions you have or how many facts you can recite. He may enjoy your company if you’re a great conversationalist, but he won’t want to make you his "one and only” if this is all you have to show him.
Why? Because he’ll feel that you’re not showing him the REAL you. He’ll feel that there are parts you’re hiding from him. Even if he’s not able to articulate or express this, he FEELS it.
And the more he senses you’re not showing the full, real you, the less safe he’ll feel to commit to you long-term.
And the more he senses you aren’t showing the real you, the less likely that HE will show you who he really is.
He won’t be open and tender and vulnerable, because he needs you to take the lead.
And if you are holding back, so will he.
The way to a man’s heart is to make him feel safe enough to explore and experience his own inner feelings and emotions.
Men, especially very masculine, doing-oriented men, are not very good at accessing their feelings. That doesn’t mean they don’t have them, or that they wouldn’t want to feel something once in a while. They have them, and they desperately want to be able to feel something with you.
But if you don’t communicate to him that you know what you’re feeling or that you’re comfortable in your own, feminine skin, he won’t feel comfortable or safe opening up to you, either. And if he can’t open himself up to you, he can’t fall in love with you. It’s as simple as that.
Here’s What Makes A Man Feel Un-Safe:
And guess what a LOT of women do wrong? Pretending to be more’put together’ than you are. Chasing unavailable men (this makes them LESS available!). Having an unspoken agenda while dating (men can sense your desperation and neediness miles away!).
It’s easy to feel confused about what magnetic and juicy emotions are, vs what is “drama.” A man wants to know you’re angry when you’re angry and why you’re angry. He just doesn’t like it when he thinks you’re angry, but he’s not sure, because you’re trying hard to stifle it or stuff it down. That, to him, is drama.
Put another way, drama is all the chaos that happens about the anger you’re stifling, instead of just being honest and direct about how you feel.
Because let’s face it. When we are angry, it shows. We withdraw. We pout. We shut doors a little heavier. We make passive aggressive comments. We aren’t as loving.
We act out, and he doesn’t know why. He just knows he feels bad being with us.
There are 4 major myths that women have been fed in modern society that have done us, and the men we desire to be with, a huge disservice. We women are told to be sexier, prettier, smarter and more understanding – and if we do these things, the men will be falling all over themselves to be with us.
But it’s just not the full truth.
While it is true that men experience intimacy through sex, and they value beauty, intelligence and a caring heart… if we’re’doing’ all of these things at the cost of being our real authentic selves, men won’t feel safe to be themselves with us either.
So let’s dive into busting these myths!
We’re told that being “sex kittens” is the way to attract and keep a man.
We can learn tantra, become experts in the kama sutra, take yoga every day, practice sensual dance and do pole dance classes, literally bending over backwards… And while these things are indeed fantastic in mesmerizing a man physically, you’ll NEVER get a man to fall in love, and STAY in love just by being the most phenomenal woman he’s ever had in bed.
But like with any play-thing, he’ll get bored after some time because there’s no substance or depth to the relationship. He may not be able to say this exactly, but he’ll feel how shallow the connection is, and will crave more from a woman. (This applies IF he’s a quality, caring man. If he’s still a boy-in-man’s clothing, he may stay with a sex kitten for a while… But still won’t fully commit with his heart.)
We think that we have to look like models and have the charisma of movie stars to attract a man or get his interest.
The truth is, yes, men are extremely visual. Men are going to be attracted to beautiful, charming women. But again, if that’s the basis for the connection, it is not enough to keep a man’s heart.
If you read how often movie stars get divorced, you’ll realize that looks aren’t enough to keep a man in love and passionate about you.
In fact, in very secure relationships, some couples are open about when they feel attracted to a person outside the relationship. Movie stars (who doesn’t have a celebrity crush??), or some stranger passing by. But because the relationship has depth, real heart-connection and isn’t based solely on physical appearance, there’s no worry about anyone acting on the attraction. It’s just part of being human.
We’re also taught that if we’re smart, successful and witty enough, he’ll be dying to spend time with us. And we live in a time where (thankfully!), now more than ever women have the opportunity for advanced education and amazing careers.
The issue here is that for women who are highly driven intellectually and career-wise, it actually puts you much more into your masculine energy. And this makes men feel either like you’re competing with them, or that you’re just another one of the guys.
Actually, if the only way you’re attracting men is because you’re so informed and intelligent, you’ll probably notice that you have a lot of guy “pals” – but not one of them is wanting to devote his heart to you.
While we live in this age of ever-increasing equality in education and work-force, it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.
There are also a lot of women that believe that if only we just make sure he knows how much we understand him, or empathize with him, or can have compassion for him and his troubles, he’ll change into our dream man and stay with us forever. Who wouldn’t want to stay when you show just how big of a heart you have?
But this is a complete turn off for a healthy man, looking for long-term commitment.
While this will surely attract men who have mommy-issues, and it may feel good for both of you for a little while, after the honey-moon phase wears off, you’ll be left wondering why you feel so depleted and he feels increasingly distant or rude.
You’re not here to be his therapist or his mom. And that’s not what he wants deep down anyway.
This kind of people-pleasing just leads you down a road of exhaustion and martyrdom, and will push any decent man away.
So if it’s not about being the best in bed he’s ever had, being the most gorgeous woman in the room, or the smartest woman he’s met, or loving him even when it depletes us, what do you do to make him commit to you?
A high-quality man has a deep need to feel safe with his woman.
How do you do this though?
You’ve gotta start with yourself.
And you do this by getting more in touch with your own emotions and feelings.
Because, the world of emotions/feelings is the domain of the feminine (just as the world of thinking/doing is the domain of the masculine), the more comfortable you get with your own feelings, the more he will sense that he can really relax and feel safe with you.
This means getting really comfortable with loving yourself – ALL of you. Even the icky feelings you so desperately try to avoid. The anxiety, the nervousness, the anger, the sadness… The more you learn to love these parts of you, the safer he’ll feel in your company, the more likely he is to want to be with you – forever.
No more judging yourself for feeling nervous or anxious. No more shaming yourself for feeling embarrassed or sad. And no more hiding when you feel upset or angry. You’ll just be totally, 100% yourself.
You will be like a breath of fresh air to him, amidst all the women out there trying to get his attention in all the wrong ways. You will be a safe haven for him to be with. He will be comfortable being his full self too.
All it takes is a simple shift in your energy, your words and body language to completely transform the way you connect with men, and I can teach you how to do this in my free love and relationship newsletter.
Because it’s one thing to understand that men want a woman to be real, and it’s another to understand the exact things to say and do to effectively win his heart.
When you subscribe to my FREE newsletter, I’ll show you a different approach to attracting and keeping your committed man without all the gimmicks, games and pretending. Yes, you can stop sucking in your belly and breathe in a big sigh of relief!
I’ll show you how to tap into your glorious feminine energy, so you can safely express your needs and desires in a way that draws him to you like a magnet.
Trying to sort through all the advice out there about what men really want in order to commit isn’t necessary. I’ve gone through every issue (and more) that I’ve shared here, and I’ve coached thousands of women. This is the ONE thing I’ve landed on, over and over.
When you learn to shift your energy into being the kind of woman he feels safe with, you’ll never have to do anything else to keep him. His heart will be yours, forever.