By Rori Raye
Do you feel resentful toward your man because he makes you feel “unloved” and “untouched” and like the LAST THOUGHT on his mind at times? Wondering how to be assertive about what you need, without causing more pain for you, or him?
This can be especially bad when you plan a special evening together, and he cancels on you, or acts distracted - and all the hopes you had for finally having a special, intimate night alone with him turn to anger and bitterness.
And then you find yourself giving into your anger and then suffering the pain that follows - because he gets angry back, storms out and slams the door, telling you he can’t "deal with your emotions?"
Or, some of us have just the opposite problem, so perhaps you hold onto your anger so tightly that it almost FORCES a man to get angry himself in order to relieve the tension, or he just withdraws because things have become so “inauthentic” in the relationship.
These are STYLES of handling our strong emotions and if you, like me, are using either of these two ways to “communicate” with a man about your hurt, disappointment, anger - even your DESIRE to have things be better - you’re getting worse than no results.
You’re pushing a man AWAY.
No matter what some of the books out there tell you about what “a man wants to hear,” or “how to be tough in order to have strong boundaries,” being a doormat or being a goddess isn’t all about the “words” you say.
Because saying “words” that don’t MATCH what we’re feeling - even if we’ve been TAUGHT that they’re the “right” words to say - they will KILL our self-esteem, and then right after that, KILL a man’s ATTRACTION for us.
I remember this happening to me over and over and over again. I wanted to be “nice.” I wanted to be “reasonable.” I wanted to be “sexy.” I wanted a man to SEE me in the ways I wanted him to see me.
But I wasn’t - NONE of us are - that good of an actress. And, somewhere inside me, and you, too, the IDEA of living my life PRETENDING, or arguing “who’s right” (even just a little) felt soul-destroying.
If you’re stuck in this same awful place I was, before I figured out how being TRULY MYSELF was the single most ATTRACTIVE thing I could be, here’s an answer and a solution for you…
Here’s a letter from Genna, who can’t “control” what she does with her anger:
Am I selfish? All I know is that when I don’t get attention, or affection, or sex for a long time, and then we have an evening that seems “perfect” for something romantic to happen, and then it doesn’t - because he’s got “other things to do” or just puts me at the back of his list - I just boil.
I don’t know what to do, and I start telling him off about something he did or didn’t do that has nothing to do with the fact that I feel so… “untouched” and “unloved.”
I don’t want to leave him - that would feel so ridiculous. Why can’t I just do SOMETHING that he could hear - and that would change the way he behaves toward me? Thank you, Genna
And here’s a letter from Stacy, who has trouble even FEELING her anger:
Sometimes I get so blue, and so bottled up when I’m not feeling loved by my man I feel like my head’s going to explode from trying to figure out what to do, and I’m going to just break apart from squeezing myself so tight.
I can feel my jaw clench, and my arms get like steel, and I just want to run away from him.
It’s so weird, though, because I want to grab him and shake him (sometimes I even want to kick him and hurt him… I feel bad about that and then it makes it worse…) and at the same time I want him to kiss me and hold me and make passionate love to me - it’s so CONFUSING and it feels awful. Can you help me? Stacy
A. These letters are total opposites, but they’re creating the EXACT same problem in their relationships - and, amazingly, the same exact situation for themselves every single time they relate with ANY MAN.
Genna and Stacy have different STYLES of relating with men that START from how they relate to their OWN feelings. They BOTH are having trouble being assertive in their relationship, in a grounded, feminine and healthy way.
The styles are complete opposites, but they create the SAME PROBLEMS. Both of these styles completely and absolutely UNDERMINE your self-esteem, and do the complete opposite of ATTRACTING a GOOD man: Both of these “styles” PUSH men AWAY.
Genna’s instinct, when she feels bad, hurt, disappointed, or angry, is to “let it out.”
Stacy’s instinct, when she feels bad, hurt, disappointed, or angry, is to “stuff it down.”
The IDEA of letting your true feelings out is great - it’s in the 'HOW' of how you do that makes all the difference.
And the IDEA of having some kind of self-control, so as to not “spew” powerful emotions all over a man - the idea of CHOOSING YOUR WORDS (part of my Rori Raye Mantra) is GREAT - but it’s in the 'HOW' of how you do that makes your man either feel powerfully ATTRACTED to you, or makes him care LESS.
Because just “letting out” your feelings all over a man by “telling him off” will only push him away.
And “stuffing down” your feelings and PRETENDING (to him, or to yourself) that you feel something ELSE will ALWAYS push him away. Because “telling him off” or “stuffing and pretending” is NOT TRUTHFUL!
And even if HE doesn’t notice it right off (and sooner or later he WILL) - YOU’LL know that it’s not truthful. And then, the moment we do something that does not FEEL like the TRUTH to OURSELVES, things go downhill.
Our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves - and the moment we say or do something that is NOT what’s REALLY going on with us, our self-esteem goes down.
And as our self-esteem goes down, our Degree of Difficulty goes down, and we become less attractive.
High Self-Esteem = High Degree of Difficulty. And High Degree of Difficulty = Attraction.
So, if we’re feeling hurt, disappointed and angry, how do we “let it out” TRUTHFULLY in a way that raises our Degree of Difficulty, increases his ATTRACTION to us, AND changes his bad behavior?
Because the more ATTRACTED a man feels, the more motivated he feels to CHANGE his behavior in order to win you and KEEP YOU.
So, telling a man off is useless. And keeping your feelings to yourself is useless. In fact, telling a man off or keeping your feelings to yourself are even WORSE than useless.
These are not “styles” that keep things “neutral.” These styles of handling your hurt, disappointment and anger actually do DAMAGE to your love life.
So try this Tool when you’re about to either “tell him off” or “hold it in” to actually INCREASE his attraction to you. I call it "SHIFT GEARS:"
Absolutely INTERRUPT what you’re about to do or say.
(This is actually you learning to be healthily assertive - with yourself first, which is where it has to start - with YOU!)
Whatever it is you’re about to do or say is OLD, it’s what you’ve BEEN DOING - it hasn’t worked, and it will never work - so STOP.
2. Sit Down
On the floor is great, on the couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is best - don’t go slink off in a corner somewhere so he won’t see you.
Just sit down wherever you are when you catch yourself about to do or say one of your two “styles” - the moment after you STOP.
Take a very deep breath, let it out, then breathe in and out 2 more times. Let the air go all the way down your body, and focus on relaxing each body part as the air touches it.
Most important body parts for this - let your shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If your tummy is dancing around - let it, that’s fine.
4. Find The Feeling
Come up with the feeling you were about to say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself - for instance, “hurt.”
Let’s say he didn’t call when he said he would, he didn’t show up at your house when he said he would, he made plans to do something elsewhere when you were hoping for a romantic evening… and you’re about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.
You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe, you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).
Now, find the FEELING by…
Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:
So, what DO YOU KNOW?
So, SAY IT!
5. Tell The Truth
Say, out loud, without saying the word “you” - and LEAVING HIM OUT OF THIS ALTOGETHER - the feeling you came up with.
Say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel angry.”
6. STAND UP TO HIM
This looks like: You don’t ASK HIM for ANYTHING.
If he apologizes, say “thank you,” and then say:
"I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or angry). IT MAKES ME FEEL TURNED OFF."
7. That’s It - You’re Done
Listen to what he has to say, and don’t DISCUSS his excuses. Don’t get into ANY discussion.
8. Stay With Your Feelings
Now you have to follow your feelings even more, because you’re going to have triggered yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting, attractive, UNUSUAL - and totally UNEXPECTED - behavior.
Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in and tell you that you shouldn’t have said that, or that you should have kept quiet. It’s going to try to make you second guess yourself.
9. Feel PROUD
Let the Nasty Voice talk, but don’t believe it, don’t do what it says, don’t defend yourself against it.
YOU are in CHARGE. Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice - “I’m in CHARGE of ME.” Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in this same way you stood up to your man - just follow the steps:
Stop defending against the Voice in your head, sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis and vagina.
Say to it - “I’m in Charge of Me,” and then - and this is important:
10. IMMEDIATELY Turn Away From Your Man
…And from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun, happy, involving, exciting, useful - do something that makes you feel good.
We’ve been taught all wrong about how to keep a man attracted…
And what have we all been taught about how to “get” a man hooked? We’ve been taught that we need to be sweet, agreeable, sexy, beautiful, smart.
If he’s not paying enough attention to us, that we should buy some low-cut outfit and try to seduce him into wanting us again, into LOVING us.
That if he’s acting uninterested, it’s probably because we didn’t get his attention with the things we talked about. So we work hard to find some fascinating anecdote to share, or some piece of gossip or news that we think will get him to listen to us and really PAY ATTENTION to us.
Meanwhile, he’s paying attention to some other woman and following her around like she’s some goddess… and she’s NONE of the things we have been trying so hard to be. She’s neither too sexual nor too beautiful or really all that interesting.
What makes a man feel like he can’t get enough of us… our time, our energy, our voice, our attention… is our authenticity.
And following the step-by-step process I outlined above is the most authentic, feminine and alluring way to be assertive with your man.
Your man will be stunned when you start showing up in this way - when difficulty and challenges arise, and you assert yourself in a self-respecting way.
He’ll absolutely want to do everything he can to make things right.
This is just one of so many tools I want to share with you - that’ll help you create the relationship of your DREAMS.
I know exactly what it feels like to go from dysfunctional blow-ups, excruciating break-ups and left feeling abandoned and rejected - to being blissfully married to an amazing man for over 20 years now.
I can help you get there too - because I figured it out for myself. I’m no different than you!
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
I invite you to sign up for FREE, where I also share tools to help with:
I care about you, I am here for you, and truly look forward to hearing your stories - both your successes and challenges.
When you try this tool out with your guy, write to me and tell me how it went!