By Rori Raye
What does it mean when he says he “cares” for you and “loves” you, but he’s not making any moves to get closer or commit to a relationship with you?
When he calls you all the time, but can never quite get into a routine of seeing you as often as you’d like?
When you know he’s not with you and you know he’s not at work and you know he’s not at home, and he’s not answering his cell phone?
Or you two are ‘exclusive’, but part of you senses he’s not all in, not really committed?
And it happens like that all the time?
When a man starts affecting you like this, it can creep up on you. It doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s sort of been unsatisfying for a while.
The awful thing is, we women almost instinctively jump to the conclusion that he’s losing interest, and then we blame ourselves for not being “something - fill in the blank here - pretty, sexy, smart, successful, sweet, nice, understanding, etc.” enough.
And it couldn’t be less true.
But once we’ve attached ourselves to a man, invested time and our hearts in him, it’s so hard to do anything BUT make mistakes.
It’s hard not to make excuses for him, allow him “space” and “time,” and be understanding about all the other pressures and stress in his life.
And at the same time - and this is the part that gets REALLY tough - we’re ANGRY!
So, how can we manage being angry and being understanding? How can we want to grab him and shake him and yet give him "space?" How can we love him, and keep our heart open to him, when we want to punish him?
It can get so confusing that no matter what we do, we end up feeling bad.
I would choose to hurt myself before I’d choose to hurt anyone else. I took this so far that if I even IMAGINED I could possibly hurt someone - especially not him! - I would do everything I knew to prevent it.
Even if he was doing something horrible - like taking time out from seeing me to see an old girlfriend who’d come to visit - I didn’t want to hurt him by ending the relationship. I’d turn every situation into something “understandable,” even though it wasn’t.
When that girlfriend left town, and my “boyfriend” called me again, I made it up that I was “big” enough to handle it (even though I wasn’t) and went back to seeing him.
What amazes me is remembering that I never dated any other man during that whole time I was seeing him.
Even though I KNEW he not only wasn’t committing to me, he was HUMILIATING ME!
I use that memory now to help other women and to help myself whenever I’m tempted to accept ANY kind of behavior that doesn’t COMPLETELY FEEL GOOD.
I’ve gotten very good at expressing my displeasure in a way nearly anyone can hear, and in a way my husband just adores. I’ve figured out how to talk to him in a way that makes him see the Goddess in me and instinctively switch gears and want to make me happy - no matter WHAT his mood is like.
You can do it too, and it doesn’t need to take you as long as it took me!
I’m going to give you a HUGE Tool here.
It’s more of an understanding, an attitude, a new way to think and communicate with men about what you want in a relationship.
Here it goes:
You don’t want HIM - you want a REAL RELATIONSHIP.
That sounds simple, doesn’t it?
But most of us do exactly the OPPOSITE. We express, and sometimes over and over and over again, with words, our body language and things we do, that HE is what we want.
And so he feels cornered, pressured, and his fears jump right up to the top of his mind, heart and body.
This is a good thing sometimes. We WANT to separate out the men from the boys. We WANT to let a man know where we stand, what we want and what we don’t want, and some men will run because they don’t want what we want - when what we want is a REAL, COMMITTED relationship. And these men who run are the WRONG men.
Sometimes. Sometimes we make men run because we TELL them what we want in ways that don’t work.
“I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m looking for someone to walk off into the sunset with and get married and have a family.” (Or what you envision for YOURSELF.) “And so I don’t want to get exclusive with anyone until that guy shows up.”
And that’s it. You don’t ask him for anything.
You simply REFUSE to close up your other options (except sexually, of course) until you’re SURE - that means engagement ring, wedding date, house in escrow - that he means to make you happy, forever.
The next step is to make it your job to make sure you DO keep your options open, no matter how emotionally involved you feel yourself getting with any one man. It’s your job to make sure that you DON’T get so emotionally involved with any one man until you’re SURE he means to make you happy forever.
You take it step-by-step, date-by-date, and you BRIDGE your way to a real relationship with a GREAT MAN. It’s like a marathon - you don’t just end after the first mile (or the first OK-ish guy). You keep going until you reach your goal - REAL commitment!
I didn’t say “this man.”
In other words, no man should EVER feel like he’s your man of choice, he’s your “One” or that you’re only seeing him. Not until he’s given you that REAL relationship commitment.
This way you will NEVER become frustrated, angry, resentful, or heart-broken.
This way, you are POWERFUL.
You can be warm, soft and loving, and at the same time NEVER COMMIT yourself to him until he commits first. And I mean a REAL commitment, not just a “let’s go steady” commitment.
“Bridging” is the way to get your mind, your heart, your body, and HIM on board for the lifelong commitment you want.
My favorite story about how Bridging worked for a friend:
She was dating 5 and 6 men at a time until the evening her now-husband PROPOSED. That’s right. After she said “Yes” to him, she went home and canceled two dates with other men!
This is how you do it successfully.
You’ve heard me talk about The Relationship Timeline and how to BRIDGE across it to the relationship you want. When you date a number of men all at once, having sex with none, or perhaps only one, you are CONTINUING ON with your life and the process of walking across the Bridge to what you want.
The first thing that will happen for you is you’ll realize how much power you actually have in ANY relationship.
You know how it feels when you just LOVE being with someone? How you just “click” and you could stay up all night talking and making love with him?
Well, a man feels exactly the same way. If he’s excited about seeing you, the most withdrawal you’ll ever see from him is if he’s trying to “play it cool,” just as we might if we were afraid we were chasing after him.
Otherwise, he’ll be WITH you. He’ll be walking across that Bridge WITH you. He’ll be there at the end of your marathon. He’ll be calling you, texting you, following through.
A lot of men call and text often at the BEGINNING - but then it all falls away. They’re excited for a while, but when things get real, and both of you can see a bit more of who you both are, inside, they don’t want to trade their “Freedom” for a life with you.
And in order to make it across the Bridge and get what you want, you have to be able to take yourself “through” those kinds of men.
If you keep moving forward across the Bridge - even if men come and go, race ahead and fall back - it won’t matter.
Because YOU KEEP GOING!
And he WILL.
This is what my friend did.
If he wasn’t up for the long term, then good riddance.
No matter how much she liked him, no matter how much he’d talked about a future together, or how much he liked her, she taught herself to forget about him as soon as he’d said goodnight. If he wasn’t on the phone with her or in person with her, he almost didn’t EXIST for her.
She had way too much to do - with the work she loved, and her friends, and so many men she was having dinner, lunch, coffee, movie and concert dates with she could barely keep their names straight.
She had to WRITE DOWN these men’s pets, and friends, and everything they’d told her about themselves - or she’d forget!
She took everything every one of them said with a grain of salt - she stopped future-thinking about them and KEPT HER EYES ON THE PRIZE - a REAL relationship with a GOOD man.
And marriage, and children.
With all that practice under her belt, men completely lost their power over her.
She could hardly remember the days of crying, curled up on the floor over man after man.
She couldn’t even imagine herself as needy and clingy anymore, even though she could REMEMBER how needy and clingy she’d been.
She used BRIDGING, and dating men as the biggest part of it, to teach herself to relax around men.
You’ve just got to remember: Stay strongly connected to what YOU WANT - a relationship, a commitment, marriage, family, a house… and do not settle on one guy until your GREAT man is giving this to you.
Don’t confuse the guy you’re dating with the true relationship you desire!
This whole process of feeling strong inside and yet warm, open and inviting on the outside is the most POWERFUL thing you can do for yourself.
Learning to approach dating and relationships from a Bridge perspective - as the marathon that you’re running - will help you weed out the boys who aren’t for you… and attract the man who will want to give you that REAL relationship commitment. In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I share everything I know to help you do this… and so much more!
You’ll learn the secret to becoming magnetically irresistible to ANY man, and how to make him fall madly in love with you… and stay that way.
My advice is about finding the man who will treat you like the Goddess you are for the rest of your life… not just in the heady early-dating phase or even the honeymoon phase of marriage. It’s about finding a man who will make a lifelong commitment to making you gloriously happy, and I’ll give you the Tools to inspire him every step of the way!
You’ll also learn…
I know it feels so awful, trying to go out with other men when you’re “hung up” on the one you’re seeing.
But, I promise you, it will pay off in all kinds of ways you can hardly imagine. For one thing, imaginary relationships will be things of the past. Your heart will stay OPEN, and yet it will stay with YOU until a man demonstrates he’s ready to give you HIS.
Let me know how your marathon goes!