By Rori Raye
Jealousy is one of the worst things to feel, especially when it really gets its claws into us and we just can’t think or see clearly anymore. All we see is how our guy is being unfaithful, how he can’t be trusted, how he’s eventually going to leave us.
The problem here is that, unless he’s ACTUALLY done something unfaithful, he’s done nothing wrong - and this growing jealousy inside you will be the very thing that DOES push him away.
I’ve got a very simple practice to help you get over jealousy and feel empowered again.
Part of this practice is realizing that, again, unless he’s actually done something ‘wrong’, you gotta just practice TRUSTING him.
If trust is a huge issue for you and worrying about it is making you feel insecure and off-balance (and perhaps men have taken advantage of that and made everything worse for you) - try this:
What if we start out with a shocking idea - what if, instead of “building” trust - we try “Assuming Trust.”
Now, I know that “assuming” things is supposed to be a bad thing. It’s supposed to get you into all kinds of trouble. But for a moment, let’s look at it this way:
If you decide to trust that you are loved - to trust that a man loves you… what would that get you?
If you absolutely trusted that a man loved you, wouldn’t you feel completely free? Free to be yourself, free to say and do anything you wanted… free to LOVE him?
And… is there ANY way this can be a bad thing?
Well, the problem happens when we also assume somewhere deep inside ourselves (often without even knowing we feel this way inside) that we can’t trust OURSELVES.
In other words, we trust HIM with our hearts, but we don’t trust US. We don’t pay attention to things that say: Yeah, well, I can trust that he loves me, but I’m not too crazy about the way he’s TREATING me.
Can these things exist together? A man loves you but he can’t show it in any meaningful way, can’t commit to you, and can’t shower you with adoration and affection?
Trusting HIM starts with TRUSTING YOURSELF.
Many, many men love but can’t turn it into a “verb.” They love you, but they can’t DO anything that makes you feel good. Sort of like “House” on TV.
House is a doctor, a brilliant, charming, attractive man - who’s also simply an addict, has an infantile view of the world, and is so totally about himself that he can’t even see that there are other people involved. He can’t see that other people have feelings and needs.
He loves the Dean of Medicine - Cuddy - but he can’t ACT like he does. He can’t get past himself to give to her. He’s too wounded, too… not able.
In one episode, Cuddy finally saw that as much as she loves him, and as much as he loves her, he will, most likely, NEVER be “able” to love her as an adult, mature, together man. She can never truly count on him. And this breaks both their hearts, but that’s the way it is. He just CAN’T grow up. He can’t find a different perspective. And it’s not because he HAS these problems; it’s because he refuses to truly DO anything about them.
There are many addicts who successfully pull their lives together and become fabulous people - people who can care about others - and SEE others as something more than an extension of themselves.
So, Cuddy trusted that he loves her. BUT, when she finally “got” that HIS love wasn’t going to be enough for HER, she ended it. She trusted herself to know what she wants and what she needs - and she trusted that “love” and “her needs” are almost two separate things. Two separate issues we women have to deal with.
What I’m saying is that if you can assume and TRUST that you are loved, you can still make empowering decisions about a man if he isn’t meeting your needs.
And if you can express what it is you need and want in a way that he can hear, you stand a MUCH better chance of helping that man grow up, mature, and be ABLE to meet your needs.
First, he has to WANT to do all that maturing. Next, he has to be ABLE to.
Some men will very quickly ‘snap-to’ when you change your ways - trusting yourself, speaking your needs, knowing your boundaries and respecting all of this in yourself. Men who are ready and willing to mature will quickly respond to your self-trust.
Some men however, won’t.
Some men might not be ready, they might be confused, or it might take them some more time to realize they could lose you - an amazing one-of-a-kind woman - if he doesn’t get his act together.
Your job is simply to make sure that he WANTS to change and mature… and you do that by trusting him and his love, until you don’t want to anymore.
The best way to start trusting yourself with a man so you can experience him completely - down to your toes - and still KNOW if he’s ABLE to be a good partner for you - is to know exactly how you feel when you’re around him. And then know exactly what to say and do to stand up for yourself in a way that he can HEAR. A way that will AFFECT him.
It IS possible to turn around a “toxic” romance. It’s even possible to turn around a “toxic” man! The key is inside YOU - and your ability to know and say what you feel and what you will not tolerate.
You might be wondering though, where do you start with trusting yourself? This comes to some women easier than others. So many factors come into play with how easy or hard it is for us to trust ourselves.. And many women are used to being overly accommodating, understanding, ‘chasing’ a ‘toxic’ man and even mothering to our men.
One place to start if this is a challenge for you is to simply tune into how you FEEL - right now.
Your feelings never lie - though the STORIES that pop up about your feelings often aren’t true!
Take jealousy for example - if you’re feeling jealous, just sit with it for a moment. Notice how it makes you feel - angry, anxious, resentful, stressed, tense… just breathe with it. Let go of any stories that come up.
Then, ask yourself this question:
“What would actually make me feel better in this moment?”
It might make you feel better to go to the bathroom (or another private space) and ‘shake it off’. Journal about it, even vent to a therapist or friend.
Next, ask yourself this:
“How do I want to feel?”
You likely will realize you want to actually feel MORE connected to your man. You want to feel more intimate, in love, and close.
“What can I say or do to help feel more connected to him?”
Here, there could be many things you could say to him, “I’m feeling a distance between us and would really love to feel more connected with you.” or “I’m feeling insecure and would love some reassurance about how you feel about me.” or “It makes me feel so amazing when we do xyz together - would you like to do this together soon?”
The important part here is to use feeling words - this helps your man realize where you’re at, without you needing to blow up or be dramatic. And if he’s wanting to mature with you, he will quickly become present with you and do his best to take care of your heart.
And, the more you tune into how you FEEL, and follow this very simple self-inquiry process, you will quickly learn how to trust yourself - DEEPLY!
Learning to TRUST yourself is probably the most important, foundational thing to have a happy, healthy jealous-free relationship.
Trusting yourself may seem really hard to do. After all, you’ve been hurt by love many times before.
That’s where I come in. I share countless more practices, tips and tools in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter that help you build that relationship WITHIN so you can live your dream relationship with your man (or, know when to move on if he’s unwilling to mature!).
You don’t have to become engulfed in jealousy anymore.
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
In my newsletter, I also share:
As you learn to express yourself so that you feel HEARD and satisfied - and in a way that will actually CHANGE the way he talks to you and acts with you - you might even discover that he’s more ABLE than it looks like now!
The more you trust yourself, the more you can trust and respect a man. And the more you trust and respect a man, the more motivated he’s going to be to make you happy, and the more ABLE he can become to actually MAKE you happy!
I can’t wait to hear your success story in turning Jealousy into Self-Trust!!