By Rori Raye
Do you sometimes feel drained by men and by all your relationships with men? Even first dates? Even the first e-mails and phone calls? Do you, like so many of us, feel you always have to be nice, courteous, and kind? And then beat yourself up when you’re not?
Now consider this.
What if a man, instead of exhausting you, could add to your energy?
What if a man can’t actually fall in love with you at all when you’re giving to him? What if, instead, a man falls hard in love with you when HE’S GIVING TO YOU?
What if this is the secret to keeping a guy interested??
Sounds easy, wonderful, delightful, everything you want, right?
The truth is, if you feel that relationships are draining and exhausting, it’s because you’re working at them too hard…
And being nice and kind doesn’t help at all.
Most of the time, in fact, working hard and being nice and kind actually pushes men away!
Imagine your relationship is a boat. Who’s doing the rowing? Is it you? Pretty much all by yourself? Are you doing all the rowing?
Most of us, if we really look at ourselves and our relationships honestly, would say “Yes, I’m rowing the boat.”
You may be smiling and pretending you’re not, but if men and relationships seem difficult to you, chances are you’re rowing hard, and he’s just enjoying the cruise (unless he decides he’d rather jump ship.)
I remember a letter I got from Cheryl. She was in the very common situation of being with a boyfriend she loved for over a year and a-half with no commitment in sight. He told her he was “just not ready to commit.” He said he needed “space,” he liked “living alone and that he didn’t know if she was “the one.”
He wasn’t even spending enough time with her – not even calling regularly. But Cheryl thought he was a great man, a great boyfriend, and would make a wonderful husband, and she didn’t want to give up.
When she came to me as a client, she felt she had nowhere to turn, no options other than to either leave him or to stay – exactly on his terms – and hope it would somehow get better. I offered Cheryl a third way to go – to stop doing everything she was doing that was pushing her man away, and begin to listen, speak and just be in ways that would draw him in closer.
Instead of trying to get him to commit to her, she would inspire and motivate him to want to commit to her. She would step back and let him step up to the plate.
She would stop moving toward him, stop trying to convince him to want to be with her, stop telling him what she needed and wanted, and give him the room to come toward her. And in the process, she would feel some of the feelings she’d avoided feeling for so long – the feelings she’d kept hidden from herself by working so hard to make the relationship work.
Intimacy Can Be Scary.
No matter how much we say we want it, we’re really all terrified of getting close to a man. We’re afraid he’ll see who we really are – especially the parts we don’t like about ourselves.
And some of us have so many parts we don’t like that we spend most of our energy trying to keep those parts hidden – not just from men, but from ourselves, too.
I asked Cheryl to begin to listen and speak in completely different ways… to listen and speak to HERSELF in completely different ways, and to stop working so hard at her relationship and instead to turn her energy into doing what feels good to her.
I asked her to appreciate and take care of herself, to listen to her own body, to speak to herself in ways that no longer undermined herself and her relationship and to treat herself as though she had boundaries.
I asked her to absolutely stop running herself down and beating herself up – to ignore the voice inside her head screaming at her, strangling her, telling her what she could and couldn’t do, could and couldn’t have, mustn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t want… I asked her to stop analyzing, processing and thinking about what her man was doing and thinking.
I asked her to pretty much stop thinking entirely!
And then I asked her to listen and speak to her man from her heart. This is a lot of asking… because she had to essentially change the way she was thinking, listening, speaking and using body language. I was asking her to change her perspective about everything.
And I was asking her to stop doing and to just be.
Sounds like a lot… Sounds like years and years of self-help books and personal growth seminars.
And that’s a wonderful way to go… Only, I was asking her to make these changes NOW. Overnight. And I was pretty much promising her she’d see RESULTS overnight.
And that’s what happened: Cheryl’s boyfriend switched gears almost immediately.
This process of going from DOING to BEING can get you the kind of RESULTS that Cheryl got with her man.
Just about overnight, you can change your relationship from being uncertain and uncommitted to getting the kind of intimacy that you really want with your man.
When Cheryl’s boyfriend switched gears, he started calling her more, he started seeing her more, they started having more meaningful conversations. And as it started to look as though she might actually get the kind of love, romance, attention and commitment she wanted, she could feel, for the first time, how truly scared she was of actually having everything she wanted.
And suddenly, she realized it wasn’t so much about her boyfriend’s cluelessness.
It was all about her feelings.
She had been doing, doing, doing all the time: rowing the boat of her relationship – trying to get it to the shore of commitment – while he just sat back and enjoyed the view. And all that doing wasn’t getting her anywhere in the relationship. In fact, it was pushing her boyfriend further and further away.
When I asked Cheryl to stop doing, and focus on just being, she did. She stopped rowing so hard.
And it was as though the boat stopped completely. No one was rowing. She and her boyfriend were just sitting there, looking at each other, wondering what the other would do.
And while Cheryl waited to see if her boyfriend would pick up the oars and pull their boat to shore, all of a sudden, the feelings she’d avoided feeling showed up. Anger. Fear. Confusion. She wrote me:
“Dear Rori, Thank you. Yes, my anger has always been a problem for me. I feel anger towards men period (inherited it from my family as well). I’m aware, don’t want to hate men, but I have anger. And sometimes I’m yelling, and sometimes I want to throw things. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m angry. I’m afraid I’ll get so angry I’ll scare him away. I know I feel anger towards my boyfriend for things he does and doesn’t do, but some of it is from past relationships and family attitudes. But I don’t want to be angry!! Cheryl”
Sometimes we’re angry because, really, we’re scared. And anger is a much more powerful, much better feeling emotion than fear. Anger can get us into gear. Anger can propel us to make changes. But, sometimes, we vent our anger on someone else (usually the people closest to us) because we’re really angry at ourselves.
We’re really angry at our own fear and lack of boundaries. When we’re closed off in some ways, we attract relationships that keep that kind of balance and tension – it’s just too scary to get closer.
As you practice just “being”, you may feel some barriers coming down, and you will feel him come closer to you – it may feel messy and scary and uncomfortable. Consider it a gift and as a sign that you’re on the right track.
Practice visualizing him coming closer to you while your defenses are down. Don’t let him come any closer than you’re comfortable, and take it slow – until you can allow him really close while you’re relaxed and undefended.
Also – right in line with doing less is SPEAKING less. We women are gifted communicators, but what I’m asking you to do is to learn to get comfortable with silence. Once you do, you’re half-way there.
In our work together, Cheryl learned to love her own feelings and her own life while her relationship righted itself. And as her relationship with her boyfriend blossomed, she experienced moments of falling back into old patterns, but the relationship kept moving forward.
She’d stopped rowing, and he was doing all the work himself – and feeling great about it!
And this happened FAST.
She saw completely different behavior from her man in days, and within two months he was talking about buying a home for them.
I want these examples to encourage you to give everything you’ve got to YOURSELF – to give to yourself FIRST, and then to simply GIVE BACK to your man when he gives to YOU.
If this is all brand new to you – you’re so not alone. So many women are in your exact shoes, and so many have turned their love lives around quickly.
So when you start noticing how you really feel, instead of filling the space up with talking, or doing – just BE with yourself.
When you’re spinning your wheels, wondering if things are gonna work out, or wondering what his deal is – STOP.
Notice how you FEEL in your body.
Are you angry? Scared? Frustration? Sad?
Whatever you’re feeling, just BE with it.
The more present you can be with your own feelings and emotions, the more your man will be irresistibly drawn to you – this is the secret, in a nutshell.
It’s simple – and it’s our birthright as feminine women – it’s where our power lies!
The way to a man’s heart is through emotional connection. This is what keeps him interested, and it’s what makes him want to commit to you – for the long haul!
Here’s an incredible success story from Kim, who was stuck in a pattern of pushing the men she wanted away instead of bringing them close – and how she completely reversed that practically overnight:
“Dear Rori, I just had to write you a big thank you!!! My story probably (when I think about it) started even in middle school, always throwing myself at boys and later in life men, and of course always getting hurt, except for the ones I married. They were as you called them “puppy dogs”.
I met a man this summer, wasn’t even attracted to him, not my type at all, older than me, hair on the chest, balding. But we spent a whole weekend just talking, and I was just so turned on by him, his lifestyle, and once again started throwing myself at him.
He was at a point in life that he didn’t know what he wanted, his wife of 20 years had an affair, and he divorced her. Well we did continue to see each other, having awesome dates. Then one night 6 months into the relationship I got the “I need space and time” speech.
It really crushed me, I think I cried for 2 days.
I have been reading your e-letters, and I finally bought your Commitment Blueprint program, started listening to them, would try the tools out when the chance came about, and WOW!!!!!
Everything you said would happen did, he really has turned around, and it gets easier everyday, not to call or to text, and he continues to come around, and we are so much better. He even stated how great things have been and he can’t put his finger on why.
The best part is how I feel about myself. I really like and am starting to feel a love for myself, and although I do not want to date anybody else, I know that no matter what happens, I’m going to be just great.
People around me (both men and women) have said to me “you seem different, your self confidence is way out there”
Rori I am so falling in love with myself, thank you for doing what you do.
When I find my guy leaning towards me, and I get comfortable and start leaning forward myself, I throw your cd’s in from Step One, and am able to take a step back, and it really keeps him leaning in and taking steps towards me. What a great feeling to wake up everyday and feel the way I do.
Thank you again Rori. Kim”
If Kim can make such an amazing turnaround, so fast, and with such CLEAR results from her man, I know you can, too.
In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I share countless tips on how to be more present with your own feelings and emotions, how to communicate them (when needed) so you never have to worry again about how to keep a guy interested – he just will be!!
He’ll be so enchanted by your natural feminine guile that he’ll never not want to be with you. I’ll teach you all this when you sign up for my free newsletter. And you’ll also learn:
I spent YEARS putting in so much effort, trying to hold onto guy after guy, only to see them slip away to be with another woman. It left me feeling as if I just wasn’t meant for love. I know the pain of this, I figured out how to get out of it and I know I can help you ‘keep’ an amazing man – without all the exhaustion and depletion!
I look forward to your success stories – every small step you take that feels good is a huge success!