By Rori Raye
What do you do when your man is having an emotional affair with another woman?
They are ‘just friends,’ and you trust your guy enough to know that’s ‘all it is’, but still somehow it feels like crap knowing he has this deep emotional connection with a woman, that’s not YOU. What do you do about emotional infidelity?
It can drive you crazy and make you feel jealous and awful! I know, I’ve experienced it to the extreme…
I remember one important man in my life whose best friends were all women - and they’d all once been his girlfriends, too.
I can’t forget the evenings I spent sitting on the floor of our apartment, eating dinner off the coffee table in the middle of the room, surrounded by seven of his ex-girlfriends, one of which I knew he still had feelings for but I somehow accepted it because she was gay.
I remember NEW women friends showing up in his life all the time, and I remember how hard I worked to turn each one of them into MY friends, even if I had to push my way into a dinner that was supposed to be just between “the two of them.”
It always had something to do with “work,” and it was always “just friends,” but they got better gifts on their birthdays than I did, they got more attention than I did, and they got better conversations with him.
It’s no wonder that relationship finally didn’t work out - but it wasn’t because of those women.
It had nothing to do with them.
They really were just friends - and the fact that he seemed to care for them more than he cared for me had nothing to do with them, either.
The problem was that I was unable to be with that man in a deep, connected way. Not only could I not express my feelings, I couldn’t even find them.
If you asked me then what I was feeling, I’d look at you, puzzled.
It took me a while to turn all that around, but with the techniques and Tools I developed to help myself and my clients, you can do it so much faster and easier than I did.
Here’s a letter from Emily, who’s stuck in a push-pull stalemate with her husband over his “friendship” with another woman:
Q. “Dear Rori,
I’m having trouble trying to understand my husband. He’s distant with me… He has a lady friend at work, which I don’t like because whenever she has problems she calls him and my husband tries to be there for her. I keep telling him 'she has a husband, why does she have to tell you her problems?'. We are having problems because of her. I try to understand but my feelings and anger and hurt gets in the way… also trust. My husband wants to be family friends with this woman and I don’t want that - he just doesn’t understand me.
He calls her everyday even if they see each other at work. He doesn’t give me as much attention as he does her. He also told me he doesn’t love me or have feelings for me.
Ever since she has entered our life it’s been a problem. What do you think I should do? I’m very hurt and confused. I want him back to feeling the way he used to. Thanks Emily"
A. I just want to wrap my arms around Emily and hug her - and I also want to shake her.
I know you can see that everything she’s thinking about this situation, and everything she’s doing and saying is just making it worse - and yet I know that when you’re right in the middle of something that feels so awful, you don’t know what else to do.
Let’s pull apart what’s happening here, and why what Emily’s doing isn’t working:
Bottom line, the problem is not this woman, it’s in Emily’s inability to attract her husband to her in a deep, emotional, intimate and cheat-proof way.
First, Emily needs to understand that this is about her and her relationship with her husband, and take charge again of herself instead of complaining about this woman.
Next, she needs to stop feeling jealous and start looking at the day-to-day life she has with her husband. She needs to start seeing when and how he lost romantic interest in her, and then make some changes to get it back.
I’m not saying her husband’s blameless - but you can’t make a man feel something he doesn’t feel by TELLING him to. You can’t ORDER him to love you.
If he’s behaving in an intolerable way, and you don’t want to make the changes that need to be made to save the marriage, then you can leave.
You have to INVITE him.
And you have to invite him to romance you even if you’re feeling sad, angry, resentful, and everything else Emily must be feeling right now.
Sound impossible? It’s not. It just takes some new skills.
So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?
1. First - she can STOP talking about her at all.
That’s right. Not one mention. Not one complaint. Not one question.
If her husband should bring her up - such as "Let’s have her over for dinner, okay?" - Emily has to say what she feels and what she DOESN’T want in this situation.
That could look like: "I feel uncomfortable having her over. I feel jealous of her, and angry with you about her, and I don’t like feeling that, so I don’t want her in our house."
And then she stands there for a moment and listens to what he has to say. If he tries to convince her, she just sticks to the same words: “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to invite her over…” And then she can walk away from the conversation.
Or, she can go with "Sure." And let her come over so she can see for herself.
2. Next, she needs to use all my Tools to start fresh in her marriage. (My audio program Reconnect Your Relationship is perfect for this. It will help her “Change Everything” - her “vibe,” the way her husband relates to her - everything.)
3. This is all about changing her “energy”… from being “combative” and “challenging” with her husband because she feels so mushy and weak on the inside, to feeling so strong inside that she can be a soft, alluring, magnetic woman on the outside.
This is where Emily needs to get a handle on her own emotions.
If you’ve read any of these letters, you know I’m not about “hiding” your emotions, or “changing” them, or “distracting yourself” from even your most unpleasant feelings - instead, Emily has to dive in and become AWARE of how her feelings are hurting her and her marriage.
And in order to become aware of your true feelings, you have to feel them. And once you can feel them, in order to create true intimacy with a man, you have to be able to EXPRESS your feelings with him in a way that doesn’t push him away - as Emily is doing by attacking him, trying to get him to act differently… trying to get him to LOVE her.
Expressing your feelings in an authentic way not only lets a man see who you are and get close to you because of your vulnerability - it allows him to feel SAFE with you.
For most of us, this kind of instruction sounds like a direction to “have a serious talk about the relationship.” But that’s NOT what works.
Later on, Emily might be able to say "I feel bad about our marriage. It would feel so good to be close to you again…" But that’s WAY later.
Now, Emily needs to say things like "This feels so fun," whenever there’s a moment of fun between them. Emily needs to get into her own sexuality and sensuality and feel happy when she’s around him by finding things in her life that she can be happy about. She has to take her focus off of him and find a way to experience happy moments for herself.
And then, she can share them with him - like, “It felt so good to take a walk just now. I could feel the breeze on my face and the air felt so clean…”
There are so many things to express feelings about that have NOTHING to do with the marriage.
It’s ok if, right now, you feel afraid of being “emotional” - and so you’re stuffing down your feelings until they come out in ways that are actually pushing him away and making you feel jealous, insecure and worse. It just takes some practice, and before you know it, it’ll be totally natural for you. Start small first. And start with something easy - or with someone easy, like a close friend.
Start with the easy stuff… “I feel so alive after that bike ride together!”, or “The thoughtful gift you gave me made me feel so cared for.”
Then work up to the harder stuff… “I feel frustrated when you don’t respond to my texts all day.” or “It makes me feel unimportant when you forget what time we planned on meeting for dinner.”
The more you practice expressing yourself in 'feeling words' with the smaller things, the easier it will get with the bigger things (and honestly, the bigger things won’t happen as much - if at all!).
I know Emily can turn this around, and I know you can too.
Let me know how these Tools work for you, to bring your man close no matter WHAT’S going on - even if there’s another woman in the picture.
I believe that you’re incredible, and that, with my Tools, and the bravery I know you have just from the fact that you’re reading my letters, NO other woman is a match for you.
Sometimes you just need some support to remember how incredible you are! And that’s what I’m here for! In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I share my own stories of trials and tribulations, and success stories of countless women I’ve supported - all as inspiration for YOU to remember how amazing you are, and that you can absolutely have the relationship of your dreams!
I’ve got so many more tips, ‘secrets’ and practices on how to focus on YOU instead of him in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
When you sign up for my FREE newsletter, you’ll also learn…
Whatever you’re experiencing with your man, and the female ‘friends’ in his life, know that you are not alone! I’ve been there, and I know exactly how to get out of it and have a deeply enriching and fulfilling relationship. Let me show you!
I can’t wait to hear your success in turning your relationship around!