By Rori Raye
If you’re feeling like you’re throwing away your energy, your heart, and your self-esteem on a man who just isn’t doing it for you - especially after he’s come on so strong and practically BEGGED you to give him a chance at the beginning - I can’t imagine anything more frustrating.
You might be thinking…
“We were having such a good time, did I do something wrong?”
“Was it just lust?”
“How do I know if I love him?”
It’s like your whole understanding of men and relationships goes out the window.
As hard as you try, you can’t figure out what’s going on with him and why things have changed.
And, if you’re like I was, when you two first met, you could have taken him or left him - you weren’t all that invested - but as time goes on, you just get so bonded, emotionally and hormonally and every-which-way, and you care.
You don’t have to give your heart away anymore, for men who seem to only be luke-warm.
There is a key factor that I learned how to tell the difference between love and lust - where you’ll never have to question again - ‘Do I love him?’ or ‘Does he love me?’
I was able to turn my love life around - and I was at the point where I was feeling so low and stupid about men I didn’t trust myself to tell a good man from a bad man… I didn’t even trust my instincts or my intuition. I was embarrassed for myself - especially when I was around women who were in good relationships (or even ANY relationship!).
But, that all changed when I started to figure things out I’d never even thought of before.
Here’s a letter from Alicia, whose heart is getting broken over and over again:
After a friend (who I had just began a relationship with) broke my heart, I went to Mexico to a friend’s wedding. I was convinced the week would be difficult as there would be tons of couples and I would feel so lonely.
Everyone said not to worry and that maybe there would be other singles and who knows I might even meet someone… Lo and behold, there were two single brothers and I began chatting with one of them and felt a little something… We both ended up having too much to drink and ended up going for a midnight swim and kissing in the endless pool.
The next day, I was so embarrassed by my behavior that I pretty much avoided him… but he kept trying to talk to me and ask me to go for walks, etc.
Upon returning from the holiday, I decided I should contact him and apologize for my behavior. He lived in the city a few hours away. We began dating and spent time visiting each other every weekend. However I wasn’t sure about him… he wasn’t perfect but I really liked him. When he asked me to meet his parents I freaked as I wasn’t ready. When he shared a personal story about his health, I freaked out again thinking “Uh oh. There is something wrong with him…” He stayed through my freak outs and I started to really fall for him. He did tell me at one point that he wasn’t looking for anything super serious and because I wasn’t sure about how I felt 100% I was almost relieved as that meant I wouldn’t hurt him…
But as I started to like him more and more, I could feel him all of a sudden pulling away. Then he said he wasn’t ready and he wasn’t sure he had feelings for me… how does this happen?
We tried to hang out a bit but it was too hard… weeks went by and I got an e-mail that he was feeling down about it all… but didn’t think he made the wrong decision.
I said we should hang out and just get to know each other without pressure. He said he didn’t know if it was the pressure that made him lose feelings or just that the feelings weren’t there… we talked for 1.5 hours and decided to meet up… we went rock wall climbing for three hours and afterwards when I asked him to grab some food and he proceeded to make up a bunch of excuses as to why he was too busy and said he was busy for the next month…
I told him that was weird and too hard for me and that I had to protect myself and walked away. Well, it’s been 3 weeks now Rori and I haven’t heard from him… I’m so embarrassed that yet another relationship hasn’t worked out.
I would appreciate any help you can give me… I’m about to send him an e-mail and I know I shouldn’t. I just want him to see what a great girl I am and I know we could have a great time together… I know if I could relax and he could get to know the real me he would fall for me… But I don’t know how to get him to spend time with me… Thank you, Alicia"
First, there’s the “friend” who broke her heart. Was he a friend who was ready to have a real relationship with her, or a friend who only wanted the “benefits” of a relationship to tag along with the friendship?
It’s hard to know. That’s why, if you’re considering turning a friendship into more with a man who seems totally into you, you can’t just start with physical intimacy. Especially if you haven’t given him a thought as a romantic partner yet.
You have to start with dating! Make him act like a suitor. Start with a kiss. Move slowly.
I’ve seen this kind of thing work out beautifully, especially if it was always the man who was in love and forcing himself to accept the “friend” role because it’s all the woman would allow.
But, I’ve also seen the “friend card” show up when you least expect it. A man can “talk himself” (just like we do) into believing his sexual feelings are love and get “confused.” All of a sudden he realizes he “loves” you the way he always did, but isn’t “in love” with you, and then you get your heart broken.
It’s not that she had a fling in Mexico (and it sounds like it was just some kissing), it’s that she’s embarrassed about it. She’s so embarrassed by her behavior that she pulls away from him.
This would strike most men as “childlike.” And also intriguing - which is why he chased her around. The simple thing she did, by avoiding him, was an authentic version of Leaning Back, which brought him toward her. (Notice, there is also an inauthentic version of Leaning Back… this would be leaning back with the intention of getting him to chase you. Not just because you are honestly wanting to lean back.)
The only thing that was missing was her. In other words, she was so busy avoiding him, worrying about being embarrassed and what he’d think of her, worrying about “hurting” him, and closing herself off to him, that there was no chance of any connection between them ever really happening.
So here she is, following up with him, not sure how she feels, dating him (and NOT dating anyone else) and feeling good about the fact that he says he’s “not ready for a serious relationship.”
She feels so good - because she’s afraid of hurting him - that she ignores what he’s saying. Right there, in the space between his “I’m not ready for a real relationship and I don’t know if I have feelings for you” and his actual pulling away - that’s when Alicia “falls for him!”
Alicia is so deeply afraid of intimacy that she chooses men who can’t or won’t do the job of a relationship, or aren’t sure they want to do a relationship with her.
She then doesn’t hear them when they say they’re not sure how they feel about her, but she continues to see them, as if she feels freed up by their potential lack of interest and can now give her heart to them - as if her current lack of interest will protect her heart.
This way, she’s always going to be sure to not ever really get close to a man. And the awful part of it is - this is all going on underneath what Alicia experiences as real to her.
This is all subconscious stuff. And the great, truly fabulous part of this is that now she can see it! And you and I can, too. On paper here, in her letter, it looks like a woman breaking her own heart on purpose - and she doesn’t have to do it anymore, and neither do you.
Alicia is being emotionally unavailable herself.
This is the key distinction: It CAN’T be love (yet), if you, or he are emotionally unavailable.
There is a difference between emotional intimacy, and chemistry.
Alicia kept her heart ‘protected’ by staying emotionally distant, ignoring what this guy honestly said to her, and worse, torturing herself by still allowing herself to get attached to the guy.
When we do things like this, like Alicia’s done, she’s actually projecting the love and emotion she needs to feel for herself onto this guy. And whenever we do this, it always causes heart-break.
At the end of her letter, Alicia is practically begging him to fall in love with her.
She says that she wants to show him what a great girl she is, and that they could have such a great time together, and that if she could only just “relax,” he’d fall in love with her.
She’s placing the responsibility of emotional vulnerability, intimacy and love onto the guy - instead of her being real first.
But, we can all see that it’s absolutely impossible to “relax” and “be yourself” when you feel so uncertain and confused, and when you want a man so much more than he “says” he wants you.
First, Alicia - please learn to date several men at the same time. Being serially monogamous (one man at a time) is great when we’re young and learning how to be in a relationship. But when dating one man at a time results in a pattern of heartbreak, the learning isn’t happening.
So, dating many men at the same time gives you a way to actually see what’s going on with you. Also, when you’re not tied and bonded to one man it’s impossible to pressure him. You automatically create some distance between you that’s real and has to do with the fun and fulfilling kind of life you have outside of your relationship.
This is authentic - and very different from the kind of avoiding and running away and pretending-and-yet-hoping that Alicia is doing in this letter.
Instead of making your life more difficult, it makes it simpler.
When a man says he’s not sure he’s “into you,” or “not feeling it for you,” run. Saying he loves you but isn’t ready yet for a serious relationship is way different than saying he’s “not sure of his feelings.” If he says he’s "not sure of his feelings", that would be the cue to get out of there.
But you don’t have to leave him completely - you can still date him. He may actually be feeling confused. But you waiting around while he figures it out will do you nothing but harm.
So, Alicia’s biggest mistake in terms of preventing her own heartbreak was her saying to this man that they should “hang out,” without “pressure.” That’s the kind of thing you say when you’re begging and pleading for a man to “come around” while you’ll do anything to impress him.
It’s the death blow to your confidence and self-esteem, and it is totally unattractive to a man.
My guess is that this man sensed early on that Alicia wasn’t interested in him, and so he felt both safe from ever having to deal with a “relationship” with her, and also challenged to see if he could get her. And, once Alicia started to have feelings, his interest dried up.
…To save her heart? Or, even better - how could she have created a real relationship out of this imaginary one by drawing him in so deep that he’d fall without ever knowing what hit him?
There IS a way to open your heart, be your genuine, true self and still be so unbelievably attractive to a man that before he even knows it, he’s falling for you.
The only REAL way to get to a man’s heart is through his emotions. Not through your body or “being sweet” or being so accommodating (or all the other wrong ways we’ve been taught as women to show him why he should love us.)
I used to do all those things before I met my husband, and time after time, I had my heart broken by men. I would actually lower my standards and try harder to get a man who really didn’t deserve me… only to have him slip away and marry another woman.
For a man to really be open to love and eventually commitment, is for him to feel safe to be his full self with you. And the way you make him feel safe, is for you to be emotionally available yourself.
We can see that Alicia’s heart was guarded - she wasn’t available. And when we try to date when we’re not emotionally available, we attract the same.
And then we get confused after a while, once we’ve gotten attached and wonder if we’ve fallen in love.
That is not love - that is lust, or attachment.
So how do you know if it’s love?
The simple answer is: You can fully be yourself. You can allow yourself to feel all your emotions, express them, be vulnerable and open - and in doing so, it just brings your man closer.
Now, putting into practice being fully yourself can be a challenge, at first, if you’re not used to being this way. But, practicing this way of being comes naturally once you tap into it. It’s at the core of our feminine essence and feminine power.
When you learn how to trigger that emotional connection with him through your natural ability to be mysterious and feminine, he’ll take notice right away. He’ll be drawn to you like never before. This is an amazing program that hundreds of women just like you have tried and loved. It has changed the way they experience their love lives.
In my FREE newsletter, you can benefit from all the years it took me to finally understand what it means to be magically, effortlessly alluring to a man.
The “usual” ways we have with dealing with feelings and frustrations in our relationships don’t work… and what simple changes to make that actually open up a whole new world when it comes to men!
It can help change yours for the better, too. Learn how to get to a man’s heart, and why the common strategies we women often use to make a man love us, simply don’t work.
Bottom line, it’s about being vulnerable on the outside, but strong and sure on the inside, so that a man finds you endlessly fascinating but knows he can’t mess with you.
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It’s about never losing sight of your real goal - Happy Ever After.
If you’re having experiences like Alicia and always feel like you’re at the receiving end of heartache instead of love, you can turn it around with being emotionally open and practicing the techniques I share in my newsletter.
It worked for me, it’s working every day for my clients, and I know it will work for you, so be sure to let me know every step you take and all the results you get.