By Rori Raye
If you’ve found yourself in a situation with a guy where you suspect he’s not being forthright… he’s hot and all over you one week, and then ghosts you the next… and you’re just trying to tell if he’s playing you - I’ve got some helpful news for you!
Maybe you feel an intense attraction to a guy, and you’ve had mind-blowing cosmic sex… but sometimes you go days, or even weeks without so much as receiving a ‘hello’ text from him.
Or maybe you guys even seem to have an emotional connection - he confides in you like he doesn’t do with anyone else. He makes you feel special and privileged, and even talks about future plans… but then other times he’s cold, distant and even treats you like you don’t exist.
He’s “busy” on Saturday night.
He’s checking his phone a lot when he’s out with you to dinner.
He’s hot and cold. And you’re just plain confused!
If you’ve ever found yourself wishing you could “get away” from the situation you’re in to gain clarity, but you just can’t stop loving your man, or you even think about falling in love with someone new… you’re not alone.
I remember feeling both desperately “connected” to a man at the same time that I felt desperately unhappy and wanting to run away from him.
It did me no good at all to try to think my way through it. I was just paralyzed. I’d watch him behave as if we weren’t even “together” and I’d still find some way to make an excuse for his behavior.
When he treated me that way, it was like a dagger to my heart. And I’d just keep trying even harder to get him to love me.
I just wouldn’t, just COULDN’T allow myself to believe what was happening to me right in front of my face.
But I finally discovered what I’d been doing that was paralyzing me and was able to lift my self-esteem just enough to SEE that I had other options.
I was finally able to see that it had nothing at all to do with me being “unworthy” of this man or the great relationship I’d imagined with him.
It had everything to do with the fact that the “relationship” did not even EXIST! I’d made it all up.
The man I was all tied up in knots over had absolutely no INTENTION - not EVER - of being in a relationship with me. At least not the kind of relationship I wanted.
And the relationship I’d signed up for with this man was so full of pain and longing and difficulty - I thought that’s what love WAS. I assumed that a relationship in which I WASN’T getting loved, in which I had to work hard to get loved, was all there was.
The thing is, so many women feel this way about relationships. I imagine you might too.
Many of us are unconsciously taught that love = pain, or love = rejection. So our bodies are then wired to actually seek out ‘connections’ where we will inevitably be in pain, or rejected… because then we will know ‘love’ too.
But this is all wrong.
That kind of ‘love’ is masochistic and isn’t real.
That kind of ‘love’ is destructive and utterly unfulfilling.
As soon as I realized this, I was able to turn things around for myself. I was able to choose men, not by how I felt about THEM, but by how I felt about MYSELF in their presence.
I’d like to help you turn your love life around, too - just like I did - by learning to treasure yourself first. Here’s a letter from a woman in very painful situations that we can work through together:
Q. “Dear Rori,
There’s a guy I met several months ago. In the beginning everything was fine. He would email me with sexy messages and then we hooked up one night, and then more times in 5 months.
Now after all of that he says he is not attracted to me, that he just wants to be friends. I just want to tell him in a nice way how used I feel. He says he has moved on and feels freaked out about our hook up.
He stated that it was a big mistake. How do I tell him the way I feel, when he still wants to be my friend and hang out with me? Thank you, Gloria”
A. Dear Gloria,
I know this is going to be hard to hear, but he only emailed you and asked you for sex. You said yes. And you had sex with him without any kind of discussion about relationship, or what it meant. It sounds like there was not even a dating situation - only “hookups.”
So, the question is - how can a man who “likes” us enough to want to hang out with us as a “friend” not be interested in anything more?
And the answer is hard to take: If we’re available for sex with “no strings attached” or even a regular “dating” relationship - then a man ASSUMES we’re fine with “sex as a sport.”
In other words, if we don’t REQUIRE an emotional connection before we sleep with a man, he ASSUMES there is no connection. And worse - he assumes we’re okay with that!
Most men haven’t learned how to relate to a woman. (Just like we women have to learn how to relate to men!) Men have different codes, different signals, different attitudes toward sex and different meanings attached.
Even if they’re decent guys and don’t want to hurt us on purpose, they won’t make us fill out a questionnaire about what we REALLY mean by having sex with them. They just assume it’s meaningless.
So, next time - before you have sex, follow the Rori Raye plan and make sure YOU know how you feel about the sex you’re having. If it’s meaningless to you, and just for fun, then you, perhaps, are one of many women who can enjoy sex that way.
If sex is always emotional and meaningful to you, as it is with most women, then make sure you discuss your relationship BEFORE you have sex.
Trying to move a situation with a man forward through physical intimacy and sex doesn’t work! A man won’t fall for you because you’ve slept with him.
He won’t decide that you’re a precious gift that he can’t let go of if you’re available to him anytime for sex with “no strings attached.” He’ll continue to sleep with you and enjoy his freedom and your company without giving a second thought to an actual commitment.
And sure…there are exceptions to this if there is particular attraction and chemistry and all the stars align, so to speak. But for most of us, simply having physical intimacy with a man is no guarantee of “happily ever after.”
The reason why we think that being intimate with a man will bring him closer is because that’s the way WE feel. Plus, we have this idea that we need to seduce and entice a man with our bodies and beauty so he’ll want to stay.
YOU are the prize that he should pursue. And since that’s the case, then a shift needs to happen. You can no longer be chasing after him…with your mind, your heart and your body…trying to “get him” to want something more special with you.
As the prize that HE gets to pursue, you’ve gotta get more clear about what really matters to you - and you’ve gotta communicate that with the men you’re dating from the get go!
You’ve gotta do a 180 here.
Instead of focusing on him, what he might want, or having sex with him whenever he texts, you’re gonna start being honest with yourself about what YOU want.
And for most women, emotional connection is what we really want. That’s at the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Men want that too, but they’re just wired differently and often don’t know how to make it happen. That’s where our feminine power lies!
It’s like two pieces of a puzzle - in very simplistic terms, the man prioritizes the sex, the woman prioritizes the emotional intimacy. And the two combined - that is a recipe for an amazing relationship!
If you guys are ONLY having sex - you’re going to start feeling used and played in the relationship.
And conversely, if you guys were ONLY connecting emotionally - it’d basically just be a friendship!
So, what matters most to you? How do you WANT to feel with your ideal partner? That’s what you’ve got to start prioritizing.
For now, please don’t hang out with this man, Gloria. Please just cut him off. No contact, no emails. If you see him around town, be warm, as you’d be to anyone, but stay away. He means you NO GOOD, and I care about you - so please, take better care of yourself.
The words you’d use would be “It feels awful to be around you right now. I feel (fill in the blank here with what you really feel - embarrassed, sad, frustrated, disappointed) and I don’t want to just be friends with you.”
And stay with those same words over and over again. Don’t get caught up in explaining things or analyzing what happened - just go out with new men, start having some real fun, get involved in things that are important to you, and stay away from him.
Let me know how it goes with the next man - I know you will take better care of yourself with him, and have much more success because when you love yourself, and care for yourself, you attract the BEST men.
When you start prioritizing yourself in dating, you will invariably attract better men! Better men that truly want you to be happy and fulfilled. The guys that are just out to play you will drop off your radar - you’ll realize how icky they make you feel and you’ll walk right past them.
You won’t even need to exhaust yourself, spinning your wheels wondering if the guy is playing you… because you just won’t spend time with those guys anymore.
You’ll realize you deserve SO MUCH MORE than a guy who’s just using you for sex. And there are so many great men out there waiting for women like you!
In my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter, I share countless tips, tools and practices to help you RAISE your self-esteem, and teach you how to truly honor yourself and express your needs in a way that’s incredibly attractive to a man.
I’ll teach you how to change the direction of your love life for the better, and take a stand for yourself in a way that will naturally change the way men respond to you.
I help you avoid players and users… and attract quality men. In fact, you’ll attract so many great men that you’ll wonder how you ever settled for crumbs and noncommittal men in the past!
Plus, you’ll also learn:
I know what it’s like, to give everything to a man… at least everything I thought he wanted… only to be badly burned by his inevitable rejection.
I’m here to reassure you, you don’t need to get burned like this ever again. Simply subscribe to my free Feminine Energy newsletter, and learn how to ignite your feminine power to become truly irresistible to the RIGHT kind of men!