By Rori Raye
Not knowing where you stand with your man is one of the most painful things I can think of. And being lonely in a marriage tops it all - because we have this idea that once we’re married, everything will be ‘happily-ever-after’ right?
If you’re like I was, you’ve given your heart to a man who did and said all the right things, treated you wonderfully and even proposed marriage to you, and then you suddenly realized - like waking up from a deep sleep - that things are stalled.
All of a sudden you notice you MISS the way things used to be.
I remember in the beginning of my marriage, once the ‘honeymoon phase’ was over, something shifted - and then suddenly “noticing” he wasn’t connecting with me as much as he used to, and I could feel my anxiety climbing and pretty much getting the better of me.
And then my upset and anxiety - no matter how much I tried to stuff it down - made me so tense that things would just get worse.
If this is happening to you, too, I know you can get yourself out of that horrible pattern the way I did… and so much faster and easier.
Here’s a letter from Gina, who’s struggling with this right now - so let’s pull her situation apart together so I can help you, too.
Ok, I definitely think you hit the nail on the head with this stuff and absolutely am starting to understand and implement it. My one question that keeps coming to me over and over and over again is this… let’s say once you catch the man… you get married… you then can’t date other men when he pulls away and you can keep yourself busy doing your thing yes but only to a certain degree… how then do you keep the marriage being super fabulous when he pulls away?
And what if you continue to take care of yourself, and the relationship just seems to fall by the wayside because men seem to just be fine with not being close or working on the relationship?
Another example to add to my confusion… I am dating a guy (6 months exclusive now, dated him while dating others for a year) and I keep up with my active life, I am a feminine girl and not calling him or chasing him and I am not always available when he calls but have also let him know how wonderful he is and all the feeling stuff… and yes he is still around and he is a loyal type guy but we are seeing each other less and less and he calls less and less and so I’m back to square one in the confusion thing.
I feel our relationship is more like just friends and (since it’s going backwards) I am just looking to leave… but again how do I keep this from continuing to happen to other relationships in the future? I must be missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere. I haven’t asked him about a future, I haven’t tried asking him if he’s happy with our relationship, I just sit here wondering gosh does he see what I see, is he going to let it continue to spiral down like this and for how long?
A. I’m going to answer both parts of Gina’s question -
I’ll start with Gina’s relationship. Here’s the missing piece -
Gina, ask yourself (and if you’re in this same situation - I want you to ask yourself, too) right now -
"Why am I exclusive with this man?"
Unless you are in high school or college, or are in a place in your life when you KNOW you don’t want marriage - that what you want is a “boyfriend” or a “lover,” for NOW, that you are in that relationship ONLY to learn how to DO relationship, how to be a great partner, how to use my Tools to get close to a man, to learn about intimacy and work out all your issues before you’re ready for a long-term commitment - there is only ONE reason to be exclusive with a man.
And that reason is MARRIAGE IS ON THE TABLE.
I have a whole segment in my Commitment Blueprint program about this, and I want you to take it to heart.
What I’m hearing here is that after one year of dating, you fell into an exclusive relationship with this man without any talk about marriage, living together, family, or ANYTHING.
So - you’re left with a relationship that’s gone on too long without this step to a serious long-term commitment. You do not mention a ring on your finger, which is part of the whole exclusivity thing.
Can you see that it’s the EXCLUSIVITY itself that’s causing the problem here?
Gina’s example of marriage is something completely different, and I’ll get to it later in this letter… for now, I want to congratulate Gina for considering leaving her man - this tells me she has possession of herself and isn’t feeling desperate - but on the flip side, it’s this casual attitude she has toward HER OWN WELL-BEING that is de-motivating HIM!
First, Gina, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with this man.
It is not the TIME that’s the issue here, though 18 months is plenty of time for a man to know what he wants to do with you - it’s the exclusivity.
You are now officially trapped. And because he has not made his wishes for a permanent arrangement with you known, and because you’re still exclusively with him, you’ve automatically downgraded yourself in his eyes!
Yep, you’ve completely reduced your Degree-of-Difficulty.
And - this is where we women get all mixed up. When we find ourselves in a situation like this - what do we feel?
We feel ANGRY. We feel angry, and frustrated, and we respond to that by either attacking him, or stuffing our feelings down and pulling away ourselves - which is what you’re doing.
What I hear is that you are as afraid of intimacy as he is. If you can go 18 months with a man with NO discussion of your future, you are afraid of intimacy.
When a man asks you for exclusivity, that’s the time to put everything on the table. He says I don’t want you to date other men, and you say - give me a reason why not?
You say - "I don’t want a boyfriend, I want to be married with a family. Is that what you want?"
In other words, he’s entitled to do whatever he wants, to date you if he likes, to even sleep with you if you’re sexually exclusive and you feel good about it (at some point you have to take this risk - all we can do is minimize it) - but he doesn’t get you ALL TO HIMSELF.
Resolving loneliness in your marriage is generally going to be much simpler than you think… it’s all about maintaining your Degree-of-Difficulty.
But, once a man has ASKED you to marry him, put a ring on your finger and set a wedding date and living arrangements and plans for a family for the rest of your lives together - how do you keep up your Degree-of-Difficulty?
Usually, the ring and the wedding date solves all that - because you feel secure.
And once we women feel secure - we relax, we become more ourselves, we stop feeling needy and desperate, and so we automatically help our men bond with us even more.
And as we open up more and more, our men open up more and more, and they become more deeply connected - and the MARRIAGE has begun!
So all you have to do is keep the Tools going.
What happens to so many of us (and this is what happened to me) is that the security of marriage BACKFIRES on us.
Instead of staying with our feminine instincts and continuing to use the Tools, we start moving back into our masculine energy. We use masculine energy to put together the wedding. We become logistical experts. In the middle of all the stress of creating a marriage, we forget to FEEL.
And we forget to express ourselves from our feelings, from our hearts, and we forget to use words that honor the masculine in our men - we go back to the masculine-energy behavior that we stopped before, while we were creating the connection in the first place.
And, dating yourself is all part of keeping sane when you’re married.
Don’t stop doing the things that make YOU happy - keep going to your dance classes, making art, going out with your girlfriends, volunteering at the dog shelter - whatever it is, continue to take care of YOU.
The missing puzzle piece here is being able to express yourself and talk to this man. There’s a big difference between ultimatums and accusations and authentically sharing your feelings and needs..
Does this make sense to you?
It’s not hard - it’s just a new kind of skill - and yes, it will trigger some of your own fears of intimacy.
And here’s where my programs and philosophy completely help you - it’s that triggering of your deepest feelings, even the fear and rage, that will HELP you get to where you want to be. By letting your emotions come up and show up, and be felt - instead of trying to smooth them over and be all “I don’t care…” you can TRANSFORM things.
YOU will feel different - stronger and more open and more connected to both yourself and to HIM. And HE will FEEL that difference, and be intrigued. He’ll feel inspired to move the relationship forward to get MORE of those deeper feelings and connection he will now sense with you.
It’s a LIE we’ve been fed that men don’t care about “closeness.” They want to be close as much as we women do. They so want to be close and intimate that they’re willing to give up their “freedom” - to give up all their options in women out there - just to be CLOSE to US.
Whenever you are with your man who can’t seem to be “close” - ask yourself - what’s going on with ME? If HE can’t be close - it’s fairly certain that YOU can’t either!
We don’t pick “closed off” men because we can be close, we pick closed off men because we’re AFRAID to be close. We’re happy to work hard to try to break him down - because inside we KNOW it can’t be done. And in doing this, we unknowingly cultivate a relationship full of loneliness and disconnection.
It makes us safe from intimacy. Intimacy is for the courageous - and I KNOW you have all the courage you need.
Understanding what’s going on here will help you tremendously. Your backing away from this man is only part of the solution. You must open your heart to him, and when he does call, and does show up, you have to be in full feeling mode. You have to be warm, inviting and soft.
And this doesn’t take effort. In fact, being feminine takes NO effort. Except for the courage - because being feminine is intimate and SCARY if you’re not used to it.
This is not a superficial “fix.” But it IS FAST!
And trust me, if I could do it and save my own marriage, I know you can too. It’s just a matter of getting back in touch with your heart, your feelings and what makes YOU happy and fulfilled - regardless of your man.
I have so many other Tools, practices and tips on how to stay in touch with your feminine energy, maintain your Degree-of-Difficulty and express your feelings in a feminine way to your man that will make him want to be closer to you than ever in my FREE Feminine Energy Newsletter.
Not only do I share these crucial tips on how to keep loneliness at bay in your marriage or relationship… but I also share other practices that help deepen your connection such as:
I know you can do this. If I did it, any woman can, and if, in my marriage, I can keep the fires burning even though I’m ALWAYS working with my instinct to go into masculine energy - YOU CAN, TOO.
Your man will love you like never before, and you can feel connected, supported and adored again!